I appreciate what you are each saying. I will admit that haven't always shouldered my pain well, even in front of my S's. S7 has Asperger's Syndrome (AS), and yet he is still very perceptive of how his father's interactions with his mother can affect him. I am sure he sees me one moment light-hearted and enjoying my time with he and his little brother, then the next moment I have some form of interaction with his mother -- both of our demeanors change. Even if Daddy holds it together, S7 can probably tell how it still gets to me in the most subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways. I am just not the kind of person who is accustomed to faking my emotions -- I can suppress them certainly -- I am good at that (for a while at least)-- but I have great difficulty in disguising or falsifying them. And even the suppression of one's feelings telegraphs so much to others.
Even so, whenever I speak of their mother to my S's, even if I am upset with her behavior, it is always with compassion for her and respect for her love as a mother to them. I always make it perfectly clear that they should always love and respect their mother, that she is a good person at heart who also deserves their honor and respect.
Unfortunately for us both, it is all too obvious that this separation represents a serious rift between us, no matter how much we might try to sugar-coat it. Our S's each understand that when they fight or disagree with each other, that leads to them being separated as well, but that is but a temporary thing. The fact that the separation between their parents is so lasting bespeaks of a serious conflict that is not being repaired. There is not the expected "kiss and make up" that concludes the time-out.
My W uses this to instruct our S's that Daddy's anger and bad behavior is the cause for this rift, and why Mommy can never live with Daddy ever again. This puts me in the position of being the bad guy, and I cannot say I tolerate her spin on this situation well at all. In fact, it upsets me greatly and I tend to go overboard in countering this impression. If I say anything that counters this, however, S7 realizes the discrepancies and he has the natural tendency to want to conclude that one of us is not being entirely candid. And somewhere S7 got the impression that it was I who wanted to separate us (I suspect it was the MIL.) So I have taken the policy of telling our S's that I do not want this separation or the D -- this is their mother's decision -- and that I still love her and want this to work out, but it is not likely right now since the final decision is not in my control.
S7 hears these conflicting points of views and conflicting information and concludes that one must be false. I think for the long term sake of my S's, I have to find someway to attenuate the appearance of this disagreement. I have to detach even more and refrain from sending an opposing message to my children, if my W insists on this. Sadly, I am beginning to feel that I will have to relax my grasp on my place in their lives lest my W rip them apart between us. This is so hard. Our S's need us both -- why can't she see that? I am trying to find a balance, but it is becoming so much more difficult the more my W panics.
I have to work on this, for the sake of my S's, if nothing else.
