kml...I am hoping that the reference to her getting him a hobby might have been miss stated...because I thought the same as you...he needs HIS voice!
Kissak...
DO NOT CALL HIS COUNSELOR!!!
You can't manipulate, control, inquire, figure out, or any other adverb of interferance there...what that counselor is doing for your H...it is NOT up to you to decide if she is the right one...
I agree that your H has seperation issues...I could see that from the back and forth bouncing he has done between you and OW...he needs to find HIS voice...I agree that he is lost and he doesn't even know what he feels...sounds very much like my H except my H suffered very severe abuse as a young child...along with being taken by his abusive father and not even knowing his mother until much later in life when I found her...
Also...it is okay to listen...but you started directing the conversation with him by asking what it would take for you guys to make it work....WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too early to even ask that...he has to get better FIRST before you both can better in a R!!!...So listen...if you must...but keep your opinions and questions to YOURSELF....personally I think it would be better for H to keep this stuff to himself and process it on his own...my H shared very very little with me...What he did tell me is that he needed to deal with his drinking before the C would deal with his past issues...they sort of need to work backwards...like untying a knot...you have to retrace the process to the knot exactly in order to get it undone...if you skip anything...you still have a knot!!!
Please, Kissak...give him room...give his C room...don't get involved in HIS healing...if you NEED a C...get one...but leave H out of it!...Let him learn to understand his own voice (feelings)...he really really needs this and it sounds like the C is on the right track...
The drama has died down and now you are feeling like you are spinning out of control...I think you felt more comfortable with drama because you thought you knew what was going on...now that it is quiet (for now, anyway) you don't know how to handle it...get a grip...or could really do some major backsliding here and this is really a critical point in this process...
D does have a domino effect...it isn't just 2 people seperating...it is 2 families...and the generations to follow that are effected...BUT you can't control what another person does...you can't control how another person feels...what you can control is how you take care of yourself...and this has the greatest power on those around us...especially our spouses and children...and no matter what happens...even if it is D...our actions and care for ourselves can create an environment that is not so destructive...we can create strength in ourselves and our families...this is what you need to be interested in...NOT because I think you are getting D'ed necessarily but because I think this is where your personal work should be focused!
