I talked in length to my H last night about what the therapist had to say to him. He wanted to tell me, and I was very interested in what she had to say. I found out some very interesting stuff and it has helped me understand abit better why my H is the way he is.
She dates it back to his childhood. Coming from divorced parents at an early age, his mother an alcoholic. Other things, basically all this points to my H having separation issues with people. She said that most people have 4 voices in their heads...moms voice, dads voice, your own voice and everyone elses. Basically she told my H he didnt have a voice. She said she bet that our marriage ended because he had lost feelings. She said that we had gotten into a grove or habit and that lead us to where we are. She told my H that he didnt know himself at all. He had no idea who he is. She told him that he needed to be alone for sometime so he could find himself. She wants him to get a hobby. He doesnt have any. She said SHE would find one for him. She said he is the type of person who clings to other people.
Thats all I remember getting from him last night. He said there were alot of things they didnt talk about yet. We talked for an hour and a half last night. Trying to understand each other.
For some reason I cant stop thinking that the world is against me. Why wont anyone help us? Help me? Why are people quick to offer solutions on how to move on, but not work on a marriage? Im not saying this is what his therapist is doing. I know she told my H that they were there to talk about HIS feelings and no one elses. She is trying to help him understand why so back and forth and what brought us to this point.
I want to know what we would need to do to make things work. After he got to know himself that is....I brought this question up to him and he said it was a good question and he is curious to the answer she may give him. Not that he is looking for the answer he says, but is curious since I brought it up....???....?
If she cant tell him how to make the feelings come back....can she tell me how to make them go away?
I told my H that his parents divorce has had a domino affect on there kids, and even the grandkids. It has to stop somewhere, right?
I feel like things are hopeless. My last little threads of hope are breaking.....I dont know how to feel. I want someone to talk to about it.
Im thinking about maybe calling this therapist for myself.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
?anyone have anything for me...I need a hug or something.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I like that he needs to get a hobby. It's something that will allow him to think while being busy. Sounds like some introspection is in order here.
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Why wont anyone help us? Help me?
The world isn't against you sweetie. I think this is the time to learn to help yourselves, sperately. You have us here and while we can't solve it for you, we can listen and suggest. Re-read Lin's post. I find what she tells you really valuable. Yes, it's hard.
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Why are people quick to offer solutions on how to move on, but not work on a marriage?
You two aren't in a place to work on the M. I'm not either and it hurts and it's sad. It doesn't mean giving up, it means you're not in the right place.
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I want to know what we would need to do to make things work. After he got to know himself that is....
Umm, you're falling into lines of thought best left alone for now. Time and keeping busy with becoming the best kissak you want to be will help with this and the feelings you're dealing with.
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I feel like things are hopeless. My last little threads of hope are breaking.....I dont know how to feel. I want someone to talk to about it.
If you want/need a C for yourself. Do it. It does help to have someone to talk with. They have alot of good suggestions and it will help you to find you own just by using them as a sounding board.
I will say that even though their experience can be really helpful. ultimately you will have decisions and choices that are your and you have to own them and their ramifications.
Isn't this a good thing, if he is listening to her? He DOES need to find himself and love himself before he can truely have a real relationship with anyone.
We all need to find ourselves.
try to look at the positives in it
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
I'm not sure what about that conversation would make you feel like things are slipping away, that the world is against you. To me it sounds like his counselor made pretty good ground in trying to understand who he is and why he is that way.
I would hope that his counselor, realizing his tendency to cling, would not allow him to cling to HER in order to find his answers. She can point him in a direction, but he needs to get those answers himself.
As for the future, well, as Grace said, you're definitely getting the cart in front of the horse so to speak.
Your husbands issues, and your issues quite honestly, have led the two of you to this place. The often ignored positive side to these crises is that BOTH of us get the opportunity to fix things inside of us and make adjustments that potentially serve us well in enjoying our future together.
The commitment of marriage is plenty strong enough to weather a season apart. Some of our most insightful time, some of our most beneficial introspection occurs during what some would call "lonely" times. Both of you need to take advantage of this time. I believe you have and you need to continue. Perhaps now your husband is beginning to as well. Allow him that opportunity.
This is not the time to plan your future. This is the time to ENSURE your future by allowing things to happen at their pace and in their time.
Focus on you, your work, your children. You can remain a friend to this man that you love, but don't try to claim any more than that right now. The other woman is not even an issue here and should be ignored.
Stay strong, stay patient, always try to see the forest for the trees. Good stuff takes time.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thanks grace...Im just feeling down today, needed some encouragment.
Nature Girl...Yes, he has agreed with what the therapist is saying. We both find it all very interesting and I am seriously thinking about calling her for myself.
My fear I guess is that the therapist will make him come to the decision of not wanting things to work.
Sorry, just my fears today. I hate not knowing what will happen.
Im really thinking about calling her.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Thank you Bill...I hope all that you say is right on. I am one for putting the horse before the cart. Just dont like not knowing how to plan for things in the future.
I just really need a break from it all. I really do need to talk to a counselor I believe. Im wondering if I should ask my H first if it is ok if I talk to the same one he is.
Should I ask or just go without talking tohim about it??
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
She wants him to get a hobby. He doesn't have any. She said SHE would find one for him. She said he is the type of person who clings to other people.
Hmmm...am I the only one who thinks this is odd? She says he clings too much to other people, but SHE is going to pick out a new hobby FOR him?????????????????????????
kml...I am hoping that the reference to her getting him a hobby might have been miss stated...because I thought the same as you...he needs HIS voice!
Kissak...
DO NOT CALL HIS COUNSELOR!!!
You can't manipulate, control, inquire, figure out, or any other adverb of interferance there...what that counselor is doing for your H...it is NOT up to you to decide if she is the right one...
I agree that your H has seperation issues...I could see that from the back and forth bouncing he has done between you and OW...he needs to find HIS voice...I agree that he is lost and he doesn't even know what he feels...sounds very much like my H except my H suffered very severe abuse as a young child...along with being taken by his abusive father and not even knowing his mother until much later in life when I found her...
Also...it is okay to listen...but you started directing the conversation with him by asking what it would take for you guys to make it work....WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too early to even ask that...he has to get better FIRST before you both can better in a R!!!...So listen...if you must...but keep your opinions and questions to YOURSELF....personally I think it would be better for H to keep this stuff to himself and process it on his own...my H shared very very little with me...What he did tell me is that he needed to deal with his drinking before the C would deal with his past issues...they sort of need to work backwards...like untying a knot...you have to retrace the process to the knot exactly in order to get it undone...if you skip anything...you still have a knot!!!
Please, Kissak...give him room...give his C room...don't get involved in HIS healing...if you NEED a C...get one...but leave H out of it!...Let him learn to understand his own voice (feelings)...he really really needs this and it sounds like the C is on the right track...
The drama has died down and now you are feeling like you are spinning out of control...I think you felt more comfortable with drama because you thought you knew what was going on...now that it is quiet (for now, anyway) you don't know how to handle it...get a grip...or could really do some major backsliding here and this is really a critical point in this process...
D does have a domino effect...it isn't just 2 people seperating...it is 2 families...and the generations to follow that are effected...BUT you can't control what another person does...you can't control how another person feels...what you can control is how you take care of yourself...and this has the greatest power on those around us...especially our spouses and children...and no matter what happens...even if it is D...our actions and care for ourselves can create an environment that is not so destructive...we can create strength in ourselves and our families...this is what you need to be interested in...NOT because I think you are getting D'ed necessarily but because I think this is where your personal work should be focused!
