SH I dont know whats going to happen to most of us or out M I cant see your H staying with her out of pity he will leave when hes done the odds are not good for these A she is obviously a lowlife seems like a lot of the mlcers leave the A
when we all look at facts its dismal look deeper try and sense your next move peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi sh- It would be so nice to have some kind of test to tell how long our spouse's crisis will last...but even if we knew, there is no guarantee they would come back to the M. Sometimes the more we read about MLC, the more confused we get about where our spouses are at...the bottom line is, it takes as long as it takes...and that is not the answer we want to hear.
You are fine...just having some ups and downs...which means you obviously aren't done yet. The only option seems to be just to give yourself more time to let things become clearer.
I hope you and your boys are doing well and having lots of fun together.
SH, sorry you are having your ups and downs. It happens to me every month, ha ha.
I can see how your H's mom (and family) can prolong his MLC. Unfortunately that's something you have no control of. The good side I can see from this is hopefully H can see the negative side of the family's history one day and realize that it is not a life he wants to live. If/When he has that awakening, he will come back and most likely for certain.
peace: Really? Do you think a lot of them leave the A's? Is it just a matter of time? Does what is said about men not leaving Rs unless they have someone in the wings only apply to marriages? I know - all counter productive questions. And I actually CAN see my H staying with the ogre out of pity. Remember, these MLCers are cowards.
UD: Seriously - wouldn't it be great to know ANYTHING for certain about the triggers, the time frame, the outcome of our H's MLC? The unknown is what's so frustrating. We THINK we know what's going on, but the majority of the people out there, our H's included, think we're just crazy.
OC: I think H's family's ways are so deeply ingrained in him that he will never see that they are wrong. It's how he's grown up, how his mom raised him - it's all he knows. I agree about the awakening and him coming back for good, but I don't think the chances of it actually happening are good.
I feel like I'm giving this more time out of moral obligation only and not really any desire to actually be with my H anymore. My attitude and general unfriendliness towards him aren't pro-DB. I had to contact him today about problems with credit card and my upcoming trip. I did it through a text message and he texted me several times and called me about it. He was nice and is taking care of everything for me (or is somehow putting it through his company, which I don't care to know about). He called again later but I didn't answer, both times. By the time I finally called him back, he didn't answer my call (although I specifically called when I thought he wouldn't pick up since he'd most likely be with ogre). For me, I didn't do it as any sort of game - I just really didn't want to talk to him.
I question whether I've done a decent job of paving the way back home for him. I've definitely given him time and space and stopped asking any questions whatsoever. Like most of us here, I was the only one trying to hold the (non-existent) R together by being friendly and trying to do things as a family. When he rejected all my attempts, I gave up and now there's *really* no more R. Guilt, sadness and acceptance are setting in, but in a much different way than before. Now I feel these things because I feel like it's truly the end of the M. Before, my emotions were directly related to H, but now they're about the M. Have I achieved detachment??? Am I making any sense??? Insomnia is taking its toll on my brain cells.
SH I dont know ive thougth Ive reached acceptance only to realize im not done I dont know about this either but you said your kind of not friendly to H do you think its worth one last shot to be friendlier more available. and consistanly ..give it 6 weeks .not pursuing but start/be apart of a converstaion if that becomes available smile or do some behavior more friendly and different than what youve been...thansking for something. or affirming some decent thing hes done for you making it a bigger deal than usual..like this favor he did for your trip..being happy and upbeat when you see him..telling him thats a nice shirt??? i dont know
im friendly..to mine ..it obviously has done nothing to restore my M but the door is open..H knows he can talk to me and I wont ridicule or reject him regardless of what he is into
do you have anything to lose you can always go back to being less available peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi sh- Is there such a thing as doing a decent job of paving the way back home?...isn't it ultimately (as long as we are still willing) up to them to finally put forth the effort to confront their fears...put forth the effort to move toward us and away from the bandaid.
I believe this is really just a waiting game...because there are many MLCers that do figure things out...it just takes time. It is up to us to decide if we want to give them the time knowing that there is no guarantee.
It is completely up to you to decide if you want to give it more time or if you are done. If our spouses could at this moment put 1/1000th of the effort we LBS's put into our marriages, many more of our marriages would be restored.
So, what more do you think you could do? I think living your life and being happy while being open to possibilities would be the best path you could pave.
peace: How many times have I said, 'Ok, I'm gonna give it one more shot."? I should go back through my post and count. Maybe it's less than it feels like. Since it hasn't worked in the past, maybe it's time to do things this way - although this really isn't a tactic I'm using, but how I feel. Actually, the last time I made an effort, it paid off a little, only to send H running back in to his tunnel.
UD: I'm definitely open to possibilities, but that is starting to include possibilities that my M won't work out, possibilities of an R with someone else. I'm sure that's not what you meant, but that's where I'm at now. It's a tough place to be.
SH I know, we all tried countless ways many times with no results.. you do have to follow your heart some friends have told me I will know when Im done I dont know what that would feel like or look like to be done b/c im clearly not trust yourself..take your time peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I went back to being nice to H. Not overly nice, not obviously trying - just nice. I'm not mad at him for anything, I just feel like we have no R whatsoever. He returns the gesture in his own way. This time I was asking about some computer stuff again. He said he'll look for the programs I'm looking for and give me something I need from the office because they're not using it there. He's said it before but doesn't follow through.
The boys and I leave this weekend to see my parents. H hasn't offered to send us to the airport. I know better than to expect him to offer, but it would be really nice of him if he would. Unlikely.
I was around the area where his new apt is. Drove around to desensitize myself. The area is cr@p and not a place I would ever imagine H to live. Overcrowded with sleazy bars (and people) everywhere. Nothing like where he grew up. He doesn't fit in (or maybe he does). I wonder if he ever gets tired of his new life.
I've been praying more for my situation. I figure I have nothing to lose. I had hoped it would bring me some peace, but instead I find myself more troubled. I'm suffering from insomnia and getting more confused about what it is I should do. When I do sleep, I often dream about H. Mostly it brings me a feeling that he's back to being his normal self and we are able to work through this...which gives me the tiniest bit of hope in an otherwise hopeless situation.
Can't believe I'm only a few months away from hitting 2 years of S, and still with no end of A in sight.
