I am so confused, not sure what hand I am playing

[GoingForward]

Neecy, why are you at the computer again today?!! Kidding!

I'll reply again later - I have to take my boys to MIL's now so I can go to work.

Have a great night, and if things are going very well with H this evening, why not treat the two of you to some fun?

Don't push it - just be a little playful, flirtatious, and see where it leads. Only if you're comfortable with it, of course.

[GoingForward]

I did get an email from a friend in another office of my work today saying that I was right about the rumor mill(y I want no one to know) she heard today that I must be sick because I am getting so thin.

What a way to lose weight, huh?!!

"I see so many positives in your sitch. Your H seems to be giving quite a bit of effort towards repairing the R." It is because of this that I am afraid to have the boundaries discussion which is going to seem controlling (see #1 complaint) It is hard to set the boundaries when i am not sure that there are any being broken.

If you're not sure, then I think it's safe to say that no boundaries are being crossed. If they were, I don't believe we would be seeing these positive steps coming from your H.

But again, I don't know what your limits are so it is hard to say.

Perhaps the best thing to do...for now...is to do nothing at all. If things are going fairly well as they appear to be, then why rock the boat?

However, when the time does come to talk with your H about your boundaries, you will want to do it calmly and with confidence. You want to be sure to explain to H that you have no intentions of controlling him; he is a grown man who can make decisions for himself. Your boundaries are not ultimatums; they are merely your own personal limits. There are things you will and will not tolerate in your M as well as your life, and H has to understand this.

Having this type of discussion with your H will most certainly be one of the toughest, and perhaps scariest, things to do, but once it happens, you MUST stick with your boundaries, Neecy. If you don't, then they mean nothing to anyone.

Yes the boudary was blown out of the water by texting from our vacation, but has it happened since? Who knows?

Right. Who knows?

Time for thought-stopping. Work on your PMA and towards your goals. Focus on you.

I do know he should delete her as a friend on facebook, which he hasn't but he says she doesn't even have a computer now that she moved out. Doesn't want to be the bad guy.

Personally, I agree. I feel that he should delete OW from his list of friends. It would help to "erase a link", delete further possible contact, and it would definitely help you with feeling more secure once the perceived threat is gone. Reassurance.

This might be something you'd like to bring up in MC. Explain how it makes you feel when seeing OW's name on facebook. It's a constant reminder of something you wish to eventually forget (for the most part). When discussing this, don't become angry or lash out with something like, "Why can't you just erase her name?! Do you hope to still talk with her?!" NO. Again, explain how it makes you feel. Express something like, "When I see (OW)'s name on facebook, I feel very insecure, scared, afraid. If her name was deleted, it would help to reassure me. I would feel safer."

Hope this helps, and I hope D4 soon feels better!

[Snow White]

What a way to lose weight, huh?!!

Sad thing is I did lose a lot of weight and was getting a lot of compliments prior to finding this all out and now when and if it goes public everyone will think it was all because of this.

If you're not sure, then I think it's safe to say that no boundaries are being crossed. If they were, I don't believe we would be seeing these positive steps coming from your H.

But again, I don't know what your limits are so it is hard to say.

I have been purposely not looking up the info on the cell phone, the bill should come in by the end of the week. I am nervous, I know there will be texts the night of the super bowl, I know there will be texts from when we were in FL. I am afraid of seeing calls again,(tehre were none for Dec-Jan) he says there are none, but he will consistently deny anything to avoid the current conversation. I am afraid of seeing that there were calls the days I was at my parents house when he claimed he could not get his answers because she was refusing to speak to him based on my text. I am trying not to be afraid and just waiting for the bill. I am going to suggest to him that when the bill comes we sit down together and look at it and discuss anything that is on it. My wish is that he would tell me before I see it. What has happened up until now is I have waited until he left then looked up stuff and went near insane when I found things. At least I have a plan.

Time for thought-stopping. Work on your PMA and towards your goals. Focus on you.

Ok I actually sang in the car this morning. And called the radio station, and got through, and thought for sure I won but I gave the wrong answer, what do they know??? Don't you think that 92% of people eat or drink while driving??

This might be something you'd like to bring up in MC. Explain how it makes you feel when seeing OW's name on facebook. It's a constant reminder of something you wish to eventually forget (for the most part). When discussing this, don't become angry or lash out with something like, "Why can't you just erase her name?! Do you hope to still talk with her?!" NO. Again, explain how it makes you feel. Express something like, "When I see (OW)'s name on facebook, I feel very insecure, scared, afraid. If her name was deleted, it would help to reassure me. I would feel safer."

I believe that his reason for keeping her as a friend is because he is nosey and wants to see what other people are doing on her profile, I don't think he is talking to her on there - but he does on occasion go to her page and see if other people have given her gifts ect. Still doesn't make me feel great that he even cares.


On a brighter note, I got a tea again last night No phone calls the entire day but at 8:20 a text asking if I wanted a tea on his way home from work and then a call at 8:30 since I hadn't responded to the text. He talked a lot, about work, but still a lot last night. She came up once during the conversation but not even her name just as the "she" who conned his friend from another store out of a couch and that he was riding his friend about it all day because he was beaten at his own game. another plus, to me at least, is the new guy that transferred into his store he likes. He was having a real issue after she left that the 3 people in the store he did not get along with and she was his only point of contact who he could talk to about the 3 because she worked with them too. Now he has a new, male, partner in crime.

[GoingForward]

I have been purposely not looking up the info on the cell phone

Some may disagree, but neecy, I think that's great!

"Snooping" can be very harmful to you emotionally. Snooping can drive you crazy! It's another form of obsessing - the constantly ongoing feeling of needing to know all the facts, real or not. If you don't find anything to be worried about, it's like an enormous relief. However, if you do find something questionable, or even devastating, it erases every single positive thing your H has done. It puts any progress made in the R right back at zero.

The choice of whether or not to snoop is solely yours.

I am going to suggest to him that when the bill comes we sit down together and look at it and discuss anything that is on it. My wish is that he would tell me before I see it.

I think that is a reasonable, good plan. Give him the opportunity to "come clean" before you open the bill, and be prepared. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. IF he admits that there have been more calls, there's no doubt you'll be hurt again and might even become angry, but you MUST do your absolute best to remain composed. DO NOT blow up and try your hardest not to cry. Be strong, neecy.

Acknowledge his admission, then give yourself plenty of time to take it all in and process your thoughts. Say something like, "Ok....Thank you for being honest with me.....I need some time to myself now please." Go to another part of the house if you have to or go for a drive.

Again, IF any of this occurs, this is a boundary that will need to be addressed. You have to make it clear to your H that the unnecessary contact with OW hurts you, you do not feel safe, and you are not ok with it. You understand that he has to work with her, but any contact that is not related to business matters is unacceptable. This is one of your personal boundaries, and you would really like for H to respect that.

Ok I actually sang in the car this morning. And called the radio station, and got through, and thought for sure I won but I gave the wrong answer, what do they know??? Don't you think that 92% of people eat or drink while driving??

I know I do!!

I believe that his reason for keeping her as a friend is because he is nosey and wants to see what other people are doing on her profile, I don't think he is talking to her on there - but he does on occasion go to her page and see if other people have given her gifts ect. Still doesn't make me feel great that he even cares.

Ok so which is it?

Do you believe he's just being nosey or do you think he cares?

"I don't think he is talking to her on there - " That said, I vote for the former.

On a brighter note, I got a tea again last night No phone calls the entire day but at 8:20 a text asking if I wanted a tea on his way home from work and then a call at 8:30 since I hadn't responded to the text. He talked a lot, about work, but still a lot last night. She came up once during the conversation but not even her name just as the "she" who conned his friend from another store out of a couch and that he was riding his friend about it all day because he was beaten at his own game. another plus, to me at least, is the new guy that transferred into his store he likes. He was having a real issue after she left that the 3 people in the store he did not get along with and she was his only point of contact who he could talk to about the 3 because she worked with them too. Now he has a new, male, partner in crime.

H brought you tea again, he shared his day with you once more, and he's excited to have a new friend to work with.

Excellent!

[Snow White]

Feeling blue today. No real reason, just am. Had another very silent night last night. H hardly spoke. He talked if I talked to him but very little just enough to respond. He left for about 20 min to go to his moms house, around the corner, and check the toilets.

Today I am off and he didn't work until 11 so he was around this morning. Quiet again but at least he started a few convos. I asked him if he wanted me to call the MC to set up an appointment for next week, and he said why? I said because she is supposed to be helping us, you aren't even talking to me. He said, I am just tired. I said you have been sleeping well now, why are you so tired? I don't know I always am. I then told him my plan with the cell phone bill, again, acting like he didn't know why I would think the bill might be an issue. But agreed to sit with me to open it.

Just got back from the Dr. and the pharmacy, D is on her 3rd different antibiotic in the last 4 weeks.

H just called from work to say he has to work an hour later - his store closes at 8 but now because of the open house they decided today it would be open until 9....

[GoingForward]

Hey, neecy. As you know, I'm in a bit of a fog myself today , so unfortunately, I don't feel that I'm in a position to offer any sound advice at the moment.

Just wanted to lend some support, and I hope you're feeling better as well as your little one.

Enjoy your weekend and focus on you, not H's moods. Continue to work on your PMA. Act as if everything is looking up. Be cheery and upbeat, whether H is around or not. Take care of you!

[Snow White]

I know you are in a fog and I hope that whatever decision you make that it turns out for you.

It is hard for anyone to offer advice on some of this stuff since I know my H and I have a hard time reading.

He sent me a text tonight saying he might go out with his best friend after work. Heres the sitch, this is either great progress and he is trying or it not and who can tell. In the last 12 years if my H was going to stop at the bar on the way home from work I wouldn;t hear boo from him all day then I would be waiting for him to come home and he wouldn't answer the phone. So that he let me know 5 hours ahead that he might go out for a few after work is a good sign, separate of everything else.

I guess the flip side would be, come on! You haven't hardly been able to speak all week can you throw me a bone here and give me some companionship instead of your buddy? Don't you know we are struggling??? I mean he was just out till all hours of the night Sunday following a hockey game. Are you taking advantage of my efforts to get along?

[Dr LOve]

Hey Neecy,

Do not try to read anything into this phone call. I have been there done that too.
Look at the positives girl. He called. Leave it at that. It's hard believe me I know. I have been going thought this for almost a year now. I am now where near the end but things are 100 percent better than when this first started. Try to keep a PMA. If he didn't call you may have said ' look he is back to his old ways" when he does call you again look at it as a negative. Take all of the positives you can get. It seems that it's takes about 10 positives to take over a negative. In other words.. 10 great things can happen and then one negative and you feel like you are back to square one.

This is a positive.

Take care
Dr Love

[Snow White]

Thanks husband, I have been following your thread and I can see how good you are at the wole DB thing and how it has worked for you. I think by venting on here I prevent myself from saying a lot of what I want to say and screwing things up. Except for those times when it just comes at me too fast :-)

[Dr LOve]

I can see how good you are at the wole DB thing and how it has worked for you.

Don't think I am very good. I slip too.

I think by venting on here I prevent myself from saying a lot of what I want to say and screwing things up.

100percent right you are. this is the place. sometimes as you type you find the anser to you own quetions..or see how stupi you thought was. (that's me)

Except for those times when it just comes at me too fast :-)

Been there done that..

Smile I have been told this over and over and it is true. IT TAKES TIME....How much time? how ever long it takes

Smile for me...

later

Dr Love (husband)