I am getting so weary of this struggle. I need to let her go, and have been trying to do so, but unfortunately our two S's are now caught in this tug-of-war between us. I need to stand my ground, but I cannot allow that to begin to harm my S's. It's such a delicate balancing act. And as W's ire and hostility level increases - for merely the simple fact that I continue to persist/exist -- I panic, make too many mistakes and backslide. I am too slow of a learner in the arts of passive resistance and psychological judo.
I am also too stubborn in adhering to my convictions. W wants me to say nothing about "adult matters" to our S's. That's fine. Except she includes in that anything that relates to our family status in general, which I, however, feel is fair game for sharing with our S's. W really just wants me to say nothing at all... about anything to our S's. The problem is I just can't do that. These are momentous, life-altering events happening to this family that will affect our S's gravely for the rest of their days. I can't ignore what is happening and leave my S's to try to figure out how to cope with this, or worse, go along with W in trying to make this destruction all sound so matter-of-fact, proper and even desirable. I am not going to participate in "selling" this D to my S's.
I still love my W, and I used to cover for her when she would come home late (before the bomb) or call our S's late (post-bomb). I used to talk about how hard Mommy worked or how long her day must have been. I can't do that any longer -- the words just stick in my throat. But for my children's sake, I have to say little or nothing at all, lest I say something contradictory to what W might say to them herself. That's the impression I'm getting from her.
