She's Gone - No Contact

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Nik.

What does everyone think about sending a "thinking of you" card -not "I miss you", just "generic friendship"? Someone advised me about a month ago to send one in a month. Should I send it this weekend or wait another month or what? I am so afraid that this time she will write "return to sender" on it.

FYI: Haven't seen her since Nov. 2.
I sent her a Thanksgiving card (none from her).
Haven't talked to her since Dec. 12.
I sent her a Christmas card and took a gift to her house (none from her).
Haven't communicated via text since Feb. 2.
Found out Feb. 1 she had a "for sale" sign in front of her house.
Haven't heard anything from her from anyone (we don't have common friends). Have no idea what's going on in her life.

Thanks to all! K

[NikB]

Hey K,

Tough one. I think since you are so anxious about the response (the "return to sender" thing) that it's too soon.

All the cards and gifts and such on Thanksgiving and Christmas were a lot of pressure, and it really hasn't been all that long since your last text contact. I think your anniversary is coming up soon too right? I'd maybe wait until after that (if you're emotionally ready at that point) - so that you're past all the "usual" card occasions and it won't be tied to any of those. Remember how we were talking about her both expecting and dreading a V-day one? I think there's a good chance she might also feel that way about your anniversary.

Just my thoughts.. will be curious to see what others think, as well.

[Kinlovewithm]

Hey Nik: The anniversary is not until May 5. My birthday is in March though. I don't expect to hear from her on that either. Thanks! K

[NikB]

Hi K - Ahh ok, thanks! I was thinking March.. hey do I get some credit for remembering the first letter correctly?

Hey happy almost Birthday! Can I suggest making some very fun plans to live it up so that you DON'T dwell on who "isn't" there??

So with that time frame, my new thought is, what about sometime after your BD but before April? (if you're emotionally strong enough for whatever her reaction or lack thereof might be). That way it's nowhere near any traditional "card exchanging" day, but it's not waiting quite as long as May. What do you think?

[Kinlovewithm]

Hey Nik: Thanks. Yes, I will have a good birthday. We were "newly broken up" last year on my birthday and I was a basket case so this year will definitely be an improvement.

Well, I appreciate your advice. I might wait that long. Actually my birthday is late March so it would be April 1 before I sent the card. I was looking forward to "breaking the ice" sooner than that. I sure wish I knew what was going on in her mind.

On one hand, I'd like to send it and see if I got any response. If she responded, great. If no response, maybe OK - more waiting. If she returned it, I'd know definitely to move on. On the other hand, IF she's missing me or "coming to terms with the religion thing" or "forgetting about the arguments/not getting along", the card might give her a good reason to make contact with me. Of course, she knows I still care about her and since I instigated reconciliation the other 30 times we broke up, she can pretty much bank on me "waiting" for her and still being available. I don't know.... It's all so crazy. I'm about to ready to forget it.

Anyone else out there????? I'm wearing out poor Nik. Thanks Nik.

K

[NikB]

not wearing me out, but certainly it's good to hear alternate opinions!

If she responded, great. If no response, maybe OK - more waiting. If she returned it, I'd know definitely to move on.

I think it's a good time to think about what you mean by "move on."

To me.. moving on is letting go of the OLD R and moving past that. And I think now IS the time to do that, no matter what she says or does.

If something is to happen in the future.. treat it more like a "good lead" on a possible date, as opposed to an intense R you'd like to re-start. REALLY start from the beginning.

I guess I'm saying maybe reach out with care but NOT with the intent of re-starting your old R. Think about restarting something new, and see what happens.

EITHER way you can work on moving on.

[Kinlovewithm]

I guess what I mean by "move on" is assume she isn't coming back. Period. And make an attempt to try to find someone to date (not easy around here). I know you all have told me to enjoy being alone but I really want a partner to share life with and I'm not getting any younger!

IF she called, I would be able to "start anew." I think that is the ONLY way things might ever work between us. I have accepted that - a "new" relationship must be started, starting with "friendship." We would NOT be able to "continue" the old relationship. It's been too long since we were "together" and neither of us would want to assume anything.

On the other hand, you can't forget the memories (the good ones) and the way you felt about each other. The sexual chemistry will still be there and the attraction.

I am depressed. I've been thinking about her all day. I've been hoping and praying she'd call before March 1 and I guess I'm disappointed and frustrated and lonely. Not lonely as I have nothing else to do, lonely as in I want someone to hold, kiss, sleep with, say "I love you" to.

I had in my mind that she might call by March 1 because it has been 4 months since I've seen her and the last time this happened, it was 4 months between the time I last saw her and the time she called. Last time it was 7 weeks that there were no telephone conversations and this time it has already been 10 weeks. I'm feeling VERY discouraged.

Anyone have any advice? Thanks. K

[MichelleLT]

I too have been tempted to set timelines in my head. Oh, this person's WAS was willing to reconcile in 6 mo. Or, the affair should be over by now.

Every stitch is different though, and your current one is different from previous experiences with her. It's always a blow to pass those times, but it's what happens.

Especially since she has a LOT to work through to decided if she'd even be willing to have a R with you because of her religious stuff.

Just remember, this is about her. She is not doing this to you to get a reaction, as a wake-up call, or to try and fix the R. It is about her, her feelings, and her issues.

You can only control yourself, so work on being happy. If that means moving on with your life and finding someone else, that is your decision. You will know when you are ready.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Michelle. I feel better already.

Actually, the last breakup (summer) had religious stuff too. But, this time it may be stronger. I hadn't thought of that, a different situation this time.

My shrink says if you want to be with someone bad enough, the "excuses" will fall away, even religious ones.

Thanks for reminding me that this is all about her. I have trouble remembering that. (One of those boundary issues I've had trouble with before.)

K

[NikB]

K - great advice from Michelle, especially on the timeline thing. It's hard to get out of your head but it's much better if you can.

Interestingly, though I can't read her mind I'd bet that she has some timeline "stuff" going on in her head, too.

My H was acting just plain WEIRD during the whole month before and after our "bombiversary" and then the holidays were right after. Once all that passed it was like we both breathed this deep sigh of relief and things were calmer.

Yes, it IS all about her - you only control you.

As for the moving on/dating question.. I think as long as you want an R with her it's probably unfair to you AND any potential GF to begin dating, at least seriously. Just adds a level of complexity and possible hurt that's tough to work through.

But - if you are ready to truly move on, go for it. Make sense?