Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

so what am I complaining about? Things are going well. She wants me. She wants me to move to AR and be with her. She misses me. She IM's me, calls me, emails me. She ML to me when we are together, so why aren't I feeling totally ecstactic?

I think it's because I was getting used to the idea of being alone. I was enjoying myself, being myself. I resent having to call her sometimes. I resent having to be happy on the phone. I resent that I feel that I have to be on my best behaviour. I bet she's feeling many, some, of the same things. Oh well.

Also, sometimes she bores me. Despite everything that's happened, has she changed much (have I?)? Sometimes, like tonight, I'm disappointed after talking with her on the phone. I'm bored. I tried to be entertaining, flirtateous, fun, and tried to bring her to that level too. I partially succeeded, but at the end, I was left feeling that it wasn't worth it.

After detaching, finding yourself again, starting to enjoy who you are, it can be hard to re-attach.

My challenge: find a way to keep being me, enjoy myself, and still merge with her somehow. Did I get enough time alone to really know myself and to find my own voice? I feel I was just really getting started. I'd really let go of her in my mind and my heart. I was looking forward. And just as I start to enjoy it, Bam, she has to go and say she loves me. (I know, you all feel really sad for me).

I'm saying this a little tongue in cheek. I know I've got it good and many would give their eye teeth to be in my sitch now. But just a warning. It's easier, not as painful, but there are still problems and issues. If you start to peice, as you get over the obvious problems (the OM for instance) then you are still left with many of the same old problems you had before the bomb.

Hopefully, we're better prepared, and at least aware of the issues, so we can deal with them better this time.

It just hit me (which is why writing is good, it helps you think) that patience is still called for. It won't happen suddenly, or at least not all of it. It will take time, there will still be mistakes, it's still work.

To continue my critique of myself: was I expecting too much, or the wrong things, or not telling her what I want? Is the answer to just talk and say how I feel? I know I've got to get a handle on any resentment I'm feeling, that's a real relationship killer.

Well, best to all. Even when it's not as fun, even when you stumble, it's still one hell of a trip.