Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

[inmyplace]

Pam, I am a man. What angle do you think will appeal to me!

[cagzmom]

ok imp!! Careful now!! =) this is a clean thread. And remember..I am a woman and my h has been gone a very long time!

enough..on to other items.. giggle giggle smile smile boo!

[cagzmom]

[quote=Underdog]Cagzmom,

I think many of us were fuzzy on the boundaries and not very wise in knowing the difference between a threat and enforcing a boundary. I often sat around wondering why I would tolerate behavior from some people that I would NEVER tolerate from my children. Then I began to realize that if I didn't stand up for myself all of the time, nobody else would. Basically, I was teaching others how to treat me by the way I treated myself.

Probably one of the main reasons I have moved forward (or tried). That in SHOWING my children that a HUMAN deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

Just an example, and maybe this will hit close to home for some. Why would I allow someone to lie to me when I would hold someone else's feet to the fire?

Yeah - funny how they "make" their way into your life so that the lie becomes the norm. The truth a surprise...

Good for you in enforcing the boundary for friendship. That's a start. It's unfortunate that he chose the way he did, but it's better that you honored yourself by taking better care of you after he made that choice.

Where do you need more support in this regard?

I guess I know what I know. He said on Saturday that when he made the choice to go with ow that he had decided he needed to "Stick with the original decsion he had made..." what the H***! Support? I dont know..I just wish I could really really see him through the eyes of my friends and others and not mine.

How do you switch your heart? Thats what I want.

[cagzmom]

YOU did not drive him away, YOU did not cause him to make the choices he did, YOU did not make him quit counseling. He did all of these things. Enforcing that boundary did not cause all of this, Czm!!! My best guess is that if you hadn't set that boundary (which, in my opinion, was a good one), he may have done the counseling thing for a bit, and would have most definitely seen OW behind your back

.

Agreed in the head...just the heart. It is wierd. ITs like the first time I do something FOR ME right? AND I did it NOT to get him back - not to coherce none of it. IT WAS FOR ME. YET in setting the boundary I lost him. I know he was gone mentally already. AND to be honest I was in a good place for a couple of days....but telling him I couldn't do it..giving him his house key back..telling him he was free. Him crying...it was sad. And now today look 5 months later...he is gone. He hasn't grown or changed. He hasn't worked on himself. He is still running.

I know in my old ways of thinking, I would have taken responsibility for it also, so I am not trying to jump all over you here. I would have thought that the counseling would have "saved" us, and I messed up that opportunity.

YOU HIT IT ON THE HEAD....this chance. THE CHANCE...it is gone. (at least that is how I feel)

Pam you are right on. I know I can not save him. He doesn't want me to and he dosen't want to be saved. One thing I can tell you for SURE about my h. He does NOTHING that he doesn't want to...NOTHING.

So- I am here - trying to work on me. I am here trying to let go of what I dont even have. I am here.

[inmyplace]

c,

My motived were pure.

But to the good stuff.

Your posts have been very introspective and the answer you are finding are quite wonderful. It is so easy to lose yourself in this nonsense. Self-loathing becomes easy and failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have seen it over and over again. But the truth is that no matter what happens if you find yourself and learn to love yourself again, you are success. And you are a success even with the every day struggles that we humans must endure.

Keep moving forward.

IMP

[cagzmom]

ok imp - forgiven oh pure one!! =)

Thank you for the insight. I have been trying so hard NOT TO FOCUS on H. That was the motive for this thread. About me NOT him. AND it is KNOWONES fault before. So many have tried and do try to get us to focus on OURSELVES and not the one who has left us.

It is hard though- as I know you know. Shoot IMP - I am watching American Idol and the stupid song was "Hopelessly devoted to you" and I freakin' started crying.

The every day. Yes that is the struggle. The mind - the day. UGH!! The fears of being alone forever. Same song. New verse. Even today - I thought man I jsut want to talk to someone. (yes a male) but I was thinking...I have puked on my friends...I am over "putting it on them." Even this weekend. H was an idiot..layed in bed with d11 and bimbo bitch.. (started watching a movie and then of course she planned to freakin' sleep there!!)

My d11? She says "daddy this isn't working for me..." so THEY get up to go to another room. When informed bimbo says..."oh I will just leave." It is the stuff like that!! I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!! I hurt - I HURT!!! (then tonight he drops off a freakin' little package at our front door for d11...and he spells her middle name wrong???!!! WHAT THE H!!)

Sorry...just needing to vent - cry I dont know what anymore!! MY GOSH it has been a year since the bomb...coming up on our new anniversary. I AM SICK OF IT!!!I HURT I WANT TO MOVE ON AND GROW AND JUST FREAKIN GET OVER IT!!! I MEAN IT!!

I am so tired! So tired of being sad. So tired of thinking "if he would just..." So tired. I feel like a failure spiritually, I feel like a failure as a woman. How can I say anything about marriage..mine failed!!! MINE! I PUT MY HEART into it!!

And yes - I lost me. BUt why find me now? What is the point?
Sorry I am moping yes. I am sorry. (and yes I think it may be pms time...)

[inmyplace]

Oh my goodness, c. Moping. You must be human!

But you are saying so many of the right things. There are people who came on with me who still can't articulate the thoughts that you put forth here. Now that's sad.

Speaking of talking. I used to talk to my SIL for hours. She was my lifeline for a couple of months. And she had just lost a brother to suicide. And the next person I spoke with was my uncle who had lost my aunt 6 months earlier. Finally, I spoke with a friend who I hadn't spoken with for 10 years. I was in graduate school with this fellow. He had gone through a similatr things years before I met him. These were people I trusted and respected and their messages were all similar. Basically, be the best you can be. You will come out stronger and a better person no matter what happens.

And even with all that help and then finding this board, it was still difficult not to be a mess. I had a quick girlfriend who told me how wonderful I was, then told me she needed me...argh..and that was that. I was angry, angry because I was hurt. But I always told myself to move forward. Of course, my former Mrs know not to bring a certain someone around. But as long as you do have a forward direction, things will work out better than you can imagine at this point.

Good luck. You have taken some big steps in your thinking.

IMP

PS - You have some great counsel with Pam, Betsey, and Meredith. And remember...there's no need to fear...Underdog is here!

[CMNM]

Cagzmom,

I know how you are feeling. I can remember all the times I wished for a way to make my memory disappear like in that "Eternal Sunshine" movie (Jim Carrey), because then I wouldn't have to hurt so much.

I also know that almost 2.5 years later (yes, my H moved out that long ago) I can look at it all and be thankful for all that has happened. I didn't want them, but, man, I needed some of the lessons I have learned along the way. Now I wouldn't trade them for the world.

You are not a failure! Why, why, why do you look at your H with those rose colored glasses, and yourself under a microscope???
I just wrote a bunch of stuff about your H but erased it. This is about YOU. YOU...the girl who is smart and funny (my observations) and all of the other things that you mentioned earlier!

I am going to ignore your question about "why find me?" because I understand what bad Olivia Newton John kareoke will do to a person. So, go take care of your sniffles, as we all take a step back there every now and again. But, tomorrow, my dear, is a new day, and we will be right back here working on YOU.

Czm, I don't say a lot about my sitch anymore, but if you had any idea what was going on over here maybe you would be able to understand better just how much I do understand. I am not that far removed from where you are. I have just learned, in all of this time, that my H's actions have nothing to do with who I am.

Hey, do you get Oprah magazine? If you do, read this month's article on happiness. It is awesome.

And, did you Youtube the Matt Damon video yet? If that doesn't get a smile out of you, I don't know what will!

We're here for you, Cagzmom. I know that having Mer and Betsey on my side made my life sooooo much sweeter. Hell, you even have IMP here! Honey, you're doing something right!

Hugs to you,
Pam

[inmyplace]

Thanks, Pam.

And speaking of YouTube videos, here is my absolute favorite. This always makes me smile.

Frankenstein

Enjoy.

IMP

[cagzmom]

[

quote=inmyplace]Oh my goodness, c. Moping. You must be human!

Ah yes - I guess I bleed red just like everyone else. Isn't it funny how it seems as thought the LBS is the one that forgets they are human.

But you are saying so many of the right things. There are people who came on with me who still can't articulate the thoughts that you put forth here. Now that's sad.

IMP I have read many of your post. You have a nack for making the "truth" be shown. I think the truth of LETTING ourselves go forward is something that we (OK I) are afraid of. All the freakin' what if's...and all they do is hurt.

These were people I trusted and respected and their messages were all similar. Basically, be the best you can be. You will come out stronger and a better person no matter what happens.

Yes this is what I have been told - and I have even experienced already. As I have said there are GREAT things for ME that have come out of this. What you say?

I have learned (am learning) boundaries.
I don't have anxiety anymore (funny what happens when a manipulator leaves the house).
I have learned that my father doesn't walk on water -- and that is ok.
I have learned that being a wonderful wife doesn't mean letting go of what you truly believe in.
I have learned that serving doesn't mean salvery.
I have learned that to love my son means letting him go and grow and make stupid choices. That controlling his "way" doesn't help him but it hurts him.
I have learned that my daughter and son are WATCHING me like a hawk --- and I truly AM a walking talking testimony DESPITE the lies that the devil throws at me.(AND I AM NOT even going to post those because we all know what they are and I don't need to affirm that sob!!!)

But as long as you do have a forward direction, things will work out better than you can imagine at this point.

Ah yes the wonders of forward motion. I CANT WAIT (and that is part of the problem) TO LOOK BACKWARDS and see that I went forward - walked in and out of ugly ditches, dirty messes, overextreme mountains, through low valleys and steady on green beautiful grass and did get to the other side.

You have taken some big steps in your thinking.

thank you - and as you know it all starts in the freakin' mind!! (and we all think it is a heart issue! pshhhhst) Pam that is suppose to be the air thing!!