Oh Ali, I felt sad reading how tough this last stretch has been for you. I hear the distress and frustration and panic. I've been moving back and forth through these same kinds of feelings myself. You've got these external stressors too with the tenants who need to be institutionalized. I bet this whole thing feels so incredibly unfair.
I hear the part of you that wants to fight against the messages of hopefulness that others are showing you here. It can be so hard to see light in the midst of so much sense of loss, and the positives that are there just seem to fall so far short of what your heart is yearning for. It's very painful and takes tremendous courage to keep your heart open for someone you love when it's not feeling reciprocated.
I do support what others are saying here that there is more positive in the big picture (remember: zoom out--waaaaay out). But I want to invite you to--in the midst of the horribleness of the loss--to appreciate your heart and gutsiness and loveability. It's super painful that he's not able to demonstrate that caring right now. I suspect he's much too confused and fuddled...certainly from what you've written, it's a stretch to conclude that he's operating from a calm, sane, rational basis. He's distracting with alcohol, trying to avoid his own hurt. Why do you think he's drinking every night--often by himself?? Because he is hurting. Why is he hurting? Because this is a big loss for him and he cares about you. It's not going to be easy for him to reach out directly to you right now.
Please consider appreciating yourself a little more...when I've been following along with you in your journey, I feel like you are a compassionate, loyal, and caring woman. I think you may not be giving yourself enough credit for how well you've been handling all this madness!
((((((Ali))))))
We're all here for you, Ali. Breathe and lean on us. As a combined group, we're strong.
