No really, you're doing great. You didn't perturb her, you introduced CONFUSION. "Yeah, baby...sure you wanna leave this? Look at me...I am MAGNIFICENT!"
Absooluutely perfect.
And yes...there will be many times as you detach that you will wonder what the hell you're doing putting up with this BS. Just like Grace said.
And you know what? You can leave anytime you want. Maybe next week, maybe next year, maybe never. It's up to you. Your call. Time is on your side. That is the one small little bit of power that you have in this whole MLC nightmare...knowing that you can punch out whenever you're ready. And when you realize that, you realize that you can hold out for a long, long time if you have to...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Thanks Grace and Bomb. Today was the best day I have had since December 5th (bomb). I think in a small way it had to do with her annoucing she was going to Philly this coming weekend. When she goes away the house is so calm and everyone is so relaxed and happy. When she went on that Cruise for 12 days in January and i stayed home and took care of the kids it was the best vacation i ever had.
Had a good night tonight, I missed dinner w/ the family but all went to the kids basketball game together. My PMA is driving her nutts. She feels something is changing and is a little off. I took a close look at her today and she is looking much older. Very pretty girl but something is killing her. I feel bad. I wish I could help.
"And you know what? You can leave anytime you want. Maybe next week, maybe next year, maybe never. It's up to you. Your call. Time is on your side. That is the one small little bit of power that you have in this whole MLC nightmare...knowing that you can punch out whenever you're ready. And when you realize that, you realize that you can hold out for a long, long time if you have to... "
Even if you get separated or worst? Don't forget her L sent me a letter in December saying that she was hired to desolve the marrage. I can only stay or hold on until she boots me. Right?
Tree, I love your attitude, man!! You will not only survive, you will thrive! Think of the strength you have gained in such a short time. Good on ya mate!
As for holding on after separation, or maybe worse.... Sure! You can hold on as long as you feel it's right. Separation is just a step. It's not the end. In some people's minds, finalization of divorce is only a step. you can DB through divorce. (I think there is a forum for that)
For me, I think finalization of divorce is most assuredly past the point. If she signs the papers, I will have let go. My situation has already "gone on long enough" if you know what I mean. The MLC childishness, selfishness, accusations, and so on. That has gotten old, yes it has. So I am separated, moving forward with financial separation. Moving forward on the practicals of divorce - new house, child custody and so on. Once we settle all that, if we settle all that, I will calmly accept divorce and I will dive into a new social life.
Who knows? Up until now, me wife has stepped back every time the heat got turned up. Every time the actual reality of divorce got closer, she stepped back. We were negotiating custody in email, when she sprung the Domestic Violence protection order on me. It is clear she feels very threatened by the consequences of divorce.
I guess what I am saying is, we cannot know, we do not know what the future will bring. You can only go with your heart. if your heart is done, then it is time to move on. Like Wise Gracie says.
I love this thought: We all deserve love and compannionship. We will all have it. Right now our choices have lead us to fight for these lost souls that we love. it sux esp not knowing how it all will end. I do know that in the end I will be cherished. So will you.
I know this is true for me. I did honestly cherish my wife, and when I told her so, before I found out about her cheating, she wouldn't believe me, couldn't accept it. That's ok. She doesn't accept my gift. I will find someone who will accept my love and return it. Maybe my wife. Maybe someone else. She's out there. Somewhere.
ps: Grace, your thread just locked.
Last edited by SirPrizeMe; 02/27/0804:48 AM.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Boy, you take the afternoon to make a 5 hour round trip drive to midtown (50 miles away...), and look what happens on Tree's board!!!
Sometimes, it's ok to keep score on a day. Not always, because some days are bad, but yesterday, you scored big. Here's a recap:
Diamond Comment: Score: -1 for W. REason: It's ALWAYS been time for her. It's not necessarily your fault that she didn't make the time for her before. The fact that she has to be in your face about it, AND that you didn't react to the bait actually scores -1 for her. Score: W -1 T 0
Endorfins: Good Job! 1 point. Net Score, T 2, W 0
Meeting with Psych: Neutral. More on that later.
Being stopped by friends telling you how great you look: 1 pt for each occurance, 5 pts / day. Net score: T 7, W 0
GP Visit: Multlple points here... Personal comments from Doc: 1 pt. The fact that Doc is a Woman!!!: 1 more pt. The good report (at 48): 3 pts. Net score: T 12, W 0
W noticeing PMA: 1 pt that she noticed, 3 pts that she got Pi--ed!!!! Net Score: T 16, W 0
W commenting that she's going to Philly (SO THERE): 1 pt for T... T offering to Drive her to train: PRICELESS!!!!!
So, you won yesterday. Now don't get cocky about this. The problem is, points don't hold over day to day, so you start at 0 / 0 today and everyday. No extra credit for scoring big yesterday, you have to do it all again today, tomorrow, etc. Your job is to score big always!
Comment about Psych (applies to D attorneys as well). Psych's job is to get you to feel better, not necessarily to help you save your marriage. Some will in fact push us to end the marriage because it's causing us pain. Kind of like cutting you leg off if you sprain an ankle. Divorce Attorneys are similar... Their job is to help you with the legal aspects of the final separation. They measure their success by how many divorces they get each year, and how much of the marrital assets they secured for their client. Their job it to get you DIVORCED. When ever you deal with either of these animals, it's important that you remember (and they also) that they are working for YOU. You need to be very clear with them about what your goals are and hold them to helping you meet those goals. If they can't/won't, fire them. I saw a MC with W who actually told me that she couldn't see me any more until W was in a better place to work on M. I know that 2 weeks later, she told W to "get this divorce going and finished as quickly as possible, otherwise it would take years..." This from a COUPLES THERAPIST. I also have consulted with divorce attorneys and was very clear with them that I didn't want a divorce, but my wife was talking about it, and I needed to know my rights. Only 1 of 5 was sympathetic to my goals and helpful. The others couldn't finish the interview quickly enough, and one even insisted that I should want to file by the end of the week, to get the upper hand on the proceedings. The point is, these professionals are conditioned to help you alone reach the goals they have been trained to provide. Be very careful with them.
First, a few boring statistics... I'm going by memory to make a point. Please don't quibble about a few % points here. We all know approx. 50% of all marriages fail. 2nd marriages fail about 62% of the time, 3rd about 70%. I've read that approx 80% of all married couples are separated at sometime in their marriage for 2 months or more. (I know I've been separated by work for a month, and by emotion for months, even tho she never left). 14% of all divorced couples eventually remarry EACH OTHER!!! 2/3rds of all divorced couples would choose to stay married to each other if they could have solved the primary difficulties that led to the breakup. Many people who are divorced never seriously try to save the marriage before the divorce.
Secondly, no matter what happens, you will have a relationship with W for the rest of your lives. There will be graduations, marriages, grandchildren, funerals, countless events that will keep you bound together. How you handle your current relationship conflicts can greatly affect the success of the future relationship. Secondly, a separation is simply a time apart. You were separated when she went on her cruise, will be when she goes to Philly, have been when you have gone away on business. Some people separate by saying they are moving to Mom's house for a while to clear their head. Others feel compelled to get a lawyer involved and get a legal separation. It is also possible to have a completely protected separation (avoiding future charges of abandonment) by making a simple written agreement about the terms of "moving to Mom's", including a time frame, a time to re-evaluate, financial details, visitation details. There are lots of books on the subject. Point is, none of this is ever final. It's just a new chapter in an evolving "love story".
Hang in there. You are doing the right thing being here and holding strong. You will be stronger as a result, and your relationship and family will be better off as a result. I promise.
You guys are great. I read your responses many times. I am having another good day. Two in a row. I am really working on detaching and she is really starting to notice. She actually came and sat by me at the basketball game and I did not say one thing when she was texting and once walked away to talk on the phone. When we got home last night she actually came in my room at 10 PM ( she only had a short t-shirt, butt out, which drove me nuts) to say very kindly good night. No kisses or hugs lately. I think the next time she trys to kiss me I may pull back for i don't like the feeling of kissing my grandmother. If she wants a real kiss that is fine but a kiss on the side of the lips or a one second peck does nothing for me. I am letting her drive that train. What I would have done to ML last night. BTW I am keeping a large bottle of Vodka in my room for her (I don't drink anymore). I think I feel so good because she is going away this weekend, way in the back of my mind I feel the OM is in the mix somewhere this weekend but who cares, if she wants to do that so be it and there is nothing I can do about it.
I am going to have a great day and I am a good person!
Had a great call with my coach Jody today. Her message was to detach as much as possible. She said W is beating me up because she does not want to give up yet and she is trying not to validate my positive changes. She is not done with me yet for these reasons. She said I need to add some humor and not listen to the same old stuff over and over. She wants me to find my passion and move into the friendship stage. She said not to spend time alone yet because that is when she beats on me and to empower her. Tell her she is great at the things she does and so on. She really wants me r=to reduce contact with her until the anger is gone. She also said she does not like all the changes that i have made because it does not validate her actions and drive to S or D. She also said this is not a good stage for MC.
Detaching is hard. I am doing really well with it thought. W knows something is up but can not quite figure it out. I am PMAing all over and basically avoiding her as much as I can until the anger is gone. Hopefully soon. She seems kinda moapy around the house. Really trying to bother me by being on the phone, i have decisided that will not bother me anymore. She is seeing new MC today. Coach said now is not time for MC because she is still so angree. I feel good today but something is up with her. Maybe something to do with L or trip this weekend. God bless her and may she get better soon.
