The spouse opens up their mouth and lets the words about potentially reconciling come out.
Just to clarify - it was me that opened my mouth and it was a deliberate, calculated move on my part.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
It's just my experience, but the WAS actually doesn't beat around the bush if they are considering reconciling.
Let's hope this is correct; something I get consistently from this board is "we don't really know". And when they are forthcoming back off a bit and be really cautious.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
Maybe you should detach a bit, avoid negative interactions (since those are usually pretty easy to spot), focus on what you are doing, and wait to be hit on the side of the head when/if she's making a giant leap.
Yes, that's about all I can do really; been doing this the last 4 months; but I do not want to go "dark" again as long as things are positive overall even if I feel eaten up on the inside.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
Sometimes things on here slow down quite a bit and responses aren't real quick. If you feel that being on here though is holding you back from detaching, then take a step back. Post infrequently.
In my case, no responses cause me to want to not post, feel negative, throw in the towel, give up the fight.
Any take on why the WAS goes from consistently angry to generally friendly? I'm guessing we don't really know?
Yes it is a downer when you don't get a lot of responses. When that happens to me I do as Kalni suggested and kind of just post for me. If nothing else it is a record of how I'm feeling or journaling something that has taken place.. and it's good to be able to look back and see what's happened so far and how far you've come.
As for your W. I have no idea why she's so angry. Have you thought about getting the book "For Men Only"? I'm reading the one "For Women Only" and I have to say I'm kind of beating myself up for not realizing what my H needed from me and I wasn't giving to him. Anyway, maybe there would be helpful information about when women get angry or something like that in that book?
Keep posting.. we're all in the same boat here and for me it helps a lot to know I'm not alone.. and neither are you!
Just wanted to stop in and see how you are doing.. I saw what you had posted on Ann's thread and I really liked what you had to say. You do have a lot to offer other people on the boards, I hope you know that.
any news? Did you have any contact with your wife. I answered your question on my thread the best way I could. Did you think of what you have in common (besides your kids). That could be a good exercise and a starting point to explore other possibilities you may have missed so far... Think about it...
Thanks W2G and Kalni (or is it Blondie now) for stopping by; please continue to do so or I may just give up this fight. I appreciate the empathy and intuition that comes so naturally to you women whereas I tend to be so slow on the uptake.
No new interaction with W after my last call to her 2 days ago which I kept positive (apparently doesn't mean anything other than "limbo"). Emotionally I'm still stuck in a valley on the roller coaster ride. For me the ride feels like a bottomless pit - I wonder if there'll be a ride like this at DisneyLand some day to really scare people who want to get married?
What do we have in common besides the kids? I don't really know at this point. We hail from the same town, culture and religion. But in nature and values we seem to be mostly polar opposites and we play mostly traditional H/W roles: I'm introverted, she's extroverted; I do the finances she does the shopping; I'm a saver she's a spender; I mow the lawn, fix stuff around the house, she cooks; I'm cautious and logical she jumps to conclusions; I'm neat she's untidy; I'm very honest and diligent she takes shortcuts; I'm more serious she's more fun loving; sexually I can match her any day but I'm shy going about it; the list goes on. Earlier I felt we were attracted to each other like magnates more as a result of the differences than the similarities and I know couples like this who get along very well and live more complete lives rather than if they married someone just like them. But once kids arrive or other stressful events occur then incompatibility grows whether there are lots of similarities or not. So Kalni, there you have it.
Hey there fb2 - Just checking in and wanted to say hi... I've been kinda out of here lately and then tings go crazy and I feel like i can hardly be giving others advice...
I know it's hard when people don't post. I personally was taking a break from posting. It got me down and i just kept thinging about a lot of negative things. Certainly glad to have the support though now, when I need it.
An idea on Ws anger based on my own in the past - For me, H kept doing little things to hurt me, not help me, disrespect me, etc... each offense on it's own, didn't bother me, but added together, it became a big issue. I remember trying to explain it to him when I told him i wasn't in love with him. that no, he didn't always make me unhappy, but looking back over the last year or so, I had more moments of misery than of peace. I think, at least for me, that I try to think of specific instances that i remember feeling like that. He says how was i disrespectful and I say, it was in the way you talked to me and treated me... He says i don't know what you mean. I try to bring up something specific, but it may be years old... We forgive those things, but we don't forget, so when we start feeling similar to that again, it's easier to get back to that moment of hurt/anger/frustration like it just happened.
That is a possiblity, but i also think she's probably struggling with her M being over. From a mother's POV, if i leave, I'm taking responsibility for my pain, his pain and the pain of my children. Your W, at one point, felt it was worth that, but still has to struggle with it. I'm sure in her head there is a lot of, "why couldn't you be this way when we were M, then I wouldn't have had to leave" She may not voice that, but I'd say she thinks it.
When you asked her about the R, she blew up... IMO - she's thinking, see, this isn't so bad, we can talk and still be friends. We'll all be ok. Then you ask her about getting back together and she's faced with the effects of her decision to leave. He is still hurting. He's not getting over it. This is never going to work. I feel stuck, this isn't fair... I'm not saying that her thoughts make sense and I could be totally off base, but i know that, especially if she doesn't deal well with difficult situations, that this could make her panic.
I am glad that she seemed to get over it fairly well, but I agree with Just Me... don't let her ability to get over something be a trigger that anything has changed. It's not to say it hasn't, but no expectations...
I think they can go from upset to happy to angry and back so often because they are dealing with the emotions of this as well. I think, for my sitch, i tend to be too accomodating and understanding of H. He gets angry and I justify it in my head and deal rather than confronting him like i should, but I do think that it is vital for everyone to understand that the WAS is probably hurting too. I think their POV is slightly warped, but it's probably just just like us... they have good days and hard days....
Don't stop posting unless you feel you need a break.
Take care!!
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Ann, You are a stranger to my thread; I always learn a thing or two from your posts so thanks. Yes, I'm still in limbo for all practical purposes.
Originally Posted By: Ann
We forgive those things, but we don't forget, so when we start feeling similar to that again, it's easier to get back to that moment of hurt/anger/frustration like it just happened.
Yes, I realize its like some one-way switch going off in a women's psyche and its impossible to turn back on. Harping on these small things from way back only serves to keep it off. That's why I urge you to fix the communication before that happens to you. I wasn't a doormat: I got defensive when she complained, attacked or was disrespectful and that didn't help either.
Just a fellow limbo-er checking in on you. I see that you mentioned no contact with W for a couple of days.. How often are the two of you usually getting in touch.. either by phone, in person or over email/txt? And which of you tends to go out of the way to speak to the other?
I see that you mentioned no contact with W for a couple of days.. How often are the two of you usually getting in touch.. either by phone, in person or over email/txt? And which of you tends to go out of the way to speak to the other?
During Jan and Feb '08 I've kept up contact by talking to her on the phone and arranging brief meetings about once every 1-2 weeks in a cafe/restaurant. I've arranged ALL the meetings mostly to suit her convenience and they've been on the pretext of S7's progress at school; she's never refused to meet though so I thought it was a good thing. She been friendlier since late Dec or early Jan. In January SHE did most of the phone calls almost every day and chatted about shoes, ships and sealing wax; but of late she does not call much so I have to keep up the contact but I call very sparingly in order not to push.
During Nov and Dec she was much more hostile; I could not talk to her on the phone for more than a couple of minutes without having to call a timeout much less meet in person. She does not respond to or acknowledge e-mails except if they make her really mad which has happened very rarely so I've stopped e-mailing except if its something I need to have a paper trail of - like a reminder about a doctor's appointment for the kids. I persisted in setting up the face-to-face meetings nonetheless and took it on the chin till she calmed down.
From Jul-Oct there was almost total darkness; she moved out of the house in June.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
