H and I talked a little yesterday. He came by to say hi to the kids and took S12 and S8 to their martial arts class for me.
Anyway, with the D date coming up this Tuesday, and taking into consideration that H hasn't moved back in, I asked him if he was going to be there (in court) since he'll be coming off graveyard that very morning.
He looked a bit stunned and said, "Yeah....I'll be there.....So this is it? There's no way now?" I again went into how he hasn't come back, that all I receive are words. No actions have been taken to show me that he really wants to move back in.
He said ok then left to take the kids to their class.
H called shortly after leaving and dropping off the boys, and we basically had the same discussion. Nothing resolved.
H called again this morning, wanting to talk about the sitch. He asked me if it was too late. I said no, it wasn't. It's never too late, but maybe we should just go through with the D for now, and IF we both still wanted to try, while putting in a conscious effort, then we could do that. Who knows? If things turned out well, and we wanted to remarry one day, perhaps we could have an actual ceremony this time with family there (we M'ed in one of those all night chapels up in the Tahoe area ).
H said he doesn't want this D to happen. He doesn't want to go through with it and have to worry about who gets what and blah, blah, blah, and he doesn't like the thought of earning six figures and then having nothing to show for it because of the D.
I didn't really have much else to say other than I understood how he felt and was sorry.
After a short while, H talked about us doing things together on the weekend of March 8th. I reminded him that I already had plans for that weekend; I've had these plans for a few weeks now. He said ok and continued talking about how he wants to spend time with the kids, with me, all of us together as a family again. He wants to take the boys to the snow on the 8th. I said there was nothing wrong with him taking them himself (my plans are for that day), and he said yeah but he still wanted me to be there.
Silence for a moment, then H said, "Well I think I'm going to give (friend) next month's rent. I can't just give him 2 days notice and move out without giving him anything. It wouldn't be right." I said, "Yep, I agree," while of course thinking to myself, 'Ok, but I'm not counting on it.' (Sorry, but I've been through these types of convos sooooo many times. I will not believe any of it until I see it.)
Then he said alright and had to get back to work, so we said goodbye.
When I got back home earlier from picking up the kids from school, I found this e-mail from H:
Sorry xxx(my nickname), I thought the clean sweep day was this Saturday. As you can see, it is not. This sucks, if I could of worked this Saturday it woulda set me up for 7 days in a row, big mutha f n money. I don't think I will be working Saturday but I will let you know b4 this weekend. You are very very pretty. I want to make you happy. I want to make the kids happy. I want us both to be happy. I am sorry I have taken so much time. I don't want this divorce to happen. I still love you very much. Please try to be happy every second of every day. It makes me sad when you are not. You are still very beautiful. You are a very good Mom too. Enjoy the rest of this beautiful day. I will talk to you later.
I haven't responded. Don't think I really need to.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
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