Good bye friends

[cat03]

Just came from our last counseling session, we didn't go in an attempt to try to talk things through, he basically "came for me" he said, and I went to get things out of my chest one last time.
It was a blood bath. Old stuff came out, issues from when we got married and shortly afterwards, of course he brought up the never-dying argument in which I told him I didn't see myself marrying him and the wedding night in which I told him he "had got his fill, i wont' have sex with you tonight" which set the tone for the entire M and he has never EVER forgotten and which he says told him how the whole M would go. I admit I was a drama queen back then and said some shocking stuff, but not as bad as he puts it.

I always wondered why he wasn't angry about me going birthcontrol and then we got prego (in my mind, if I didn't stay in birthcontrol then we wouldnt' "do it", we always felt guilty about that, we both went to church & knew it was wrong to have sex before marriage. And now he brings it up, how self-righteous I was which let to the pregnancy, how he married me so I wouln't abort the baby, we've been through this before-I did say at the time I found out "I can't do this" and that's it, I never EVER seriously considered abortion, but this argument has come up before and nothing is going to change his mind that he saved the baby from abortion by marrying me, that he most likely was going to break off the engagement since all we did was fight (we did argue, but he always always made sure we made up and told me how much he loved me).

And the C? fine, thank you very much, he just sat there as we argued & H yelled. I brought up MLC 3 times, the C just said "but what if it's true, this is what he is feeling right now", never ONCE addressed MLC as a possibility, neither depression.

Things went downhill fast, H told me how he put up with my crap for years (yes, I admitted to my faults before) and that that's why it is not too hard to go through this, to take my crap to another person that he wasn't having it anymore.

He never EVER forgave me for any of my mistakes, even as I ask 4 his forgiveness last year and the yr before that one.We went to C the year he came back and last year, he never brought up those subjects at all, if they were so ingrained in him and the core for his unhappiness, why didnt' he just say so?
He said from then on (the M) things were just bad, that the 6 ,7 (couldnt remember) years before he left were misery.

Whatever love I had for him has died today. I can see tons of MLC but I also see that he does mean for real some of the stuff he said (resenting always me for getting prego and me giving him crap hence he also "gave me a reason" to give him crap about.

I amost want to agree, that the whole thing was a sham to him, our whole lives...almost, they sure never were a sham to me. There were good times which outweighted the bad by far, but perhaps he's always been this person I see now, afraid to speak up and instead covered up issues with lies and pretends, it does make sense.

I'm truly done now, if I thought for a few fleeting secs that at some point this year before the D he'd say "I made a mistake" I 'm so over my M now.
I got 2 txt msgs from him, the first one said "I really need to talk to someone other than my friends, please call me, I feel really bad" and I thought it odd since our communication is short & to the point now, I responded but never got an answer (they were old msgs from yesterday which I didnt' see until today"
Today I check my phone and it said "3 people from work left me messages so it necame full again... i'm sorry ur right i should hav deleated some on other phone..." hmmm, I wonder who they can be for? He told me right before the C session that they were meant for someone else (before I read the last one) for whatever it was worth I told him not to have that woman near the kids until we D, for all I know he's back with ow , I dont' give a damn anymore

It was horrible, I cried, he was horrible. He's now apologizing in various txts, that he didnt' meant to say it that way, that I deserve better, but, you can't take back words of that nature, he's never hurt me like this before, he just thinks I'm mad about the other woman, the A pales in comparison to what he spewed out of his mouth.

Something broke inside me, I truly want nothing with him and told him so, that i didnt' want him, that the person I had in front of me wasn't not someone I wanted to be with.

My H's dad was almost a psychotic angry awful person who'd beat their family and abused them verbally, made the mom's life heck, at some point left, had an ow, she had an abortion, but came back and put a front until he died 9yrs ago. H's mom told him he had outdone his father by a whole lot by the way he's behaved.

This section of the board is for you who have lots of hope and millions of chances to have a solid M, I have nothing to do here anymore, I love you all for all the support you have given me, but now I'm only a horrible example of how awful a sitch can get. But remember, not all of you married in the circumstances I married and not all your Ss have the deep issues and self inflicted scars and mental problems my H has.

I've been blessed by your support, one day when this awful world comes to an end I hope to meet you face to face, for I know this suffering on earth is only for a little while, I will feel better eventually, will still lurk of course. Love you all)))))))))))))

[Starshyne]

Cat,

I am SO sorry to hear of the pain you have gone through in the counseling. I don't know what to say, but I am just really heartbroken over reading about everything that has recently happened. You have been such a source of help to me, and I appriciate your kind words. I wish you much luck and success in whatever the Lord brings your way. I will keep you and your children in prayer.

Sara

[Sara]

Cat,

Please don't leave us now. It doesn't matter what forum you post in. We are your friends on this board and we care about you. your journey is just beginning now. Getting that conflicted, negative person out of your life is just the first step. Yes, it's painful and awful, but you are not alone in that either. People here understand what you have been through and know how strong and kind you are.

Please stay on the board and post. We want to be beside you every step of the way until you post like Mea Again did this week, that you are happier than you were before any of this ever happened.

[ediemarie]

(((CAT))) Not good-bye, friend. How about see ya later? Take a break. Take a rest. Lurk for awhile. Take some pressure off. But post again, when you gather strength. We are all here for you. We want to share this journey with you. To give you strenght and encouragement. This is the tough stuff of life - we're all here for you.

Hugs,
Em

[Holly06]

Cat,
these forums are for lots of reasons. I too was headed for D, and found lots of support and advice here. MLC or not, hurt or not, you will need someone friends who can be here for you.

I propose you stay around and see what happens.

[cat03]

don't want to cramp your style guys, lol, thanks so much, guess I'll stick around as a leech here and there

[Aud31]

DITTOS

Be sure to let us know where you're posting so we can keep up with you. Circumstances change, but our concern and support for you never will.

MWAH!

[trytoohard]

Hey Cat-your H sounds sooo much like mine. We have now been S 2 1/2 years and been piecing in some form or fashion for over a year but he has not come back home (I'm not ready yet either). H has had such spew fests at me over the past few months, one was in the C office just like you described.

I got pregnant w/D a month before our wedding, didn't find out until 2 weeks after the wedding. H has said that (among other things) 1. I forced him to marry me (he proposed and we were engaged 13 months) 2. He has been unhappy the whole time, we aren't good for each other and we would both be happier if we just moved on 3. that his R w/ow was over 6 months before it was truly over 4. his R w/ow didn't end until ow and I met and talked for several hours at her request 5. my H's ow told my H that I was a wonderful woman and she would honor my marriage to H and move completely out of the picture, not even friends anymore 6. It's my fault that she won't talk to him or even look at him at work 7. that he is sober now so he has changed all his issues...YEAH RIGHT! 8. I am still stuggling financially at times therefore I haven't changed at all...YEAH RIGHT!

We have been reconnecting now for over a year and despite that fact, I am moving further and further away from him and from our marriage. He is having to make most of the effort to see me or spend any time with me.

I finally realized that while there is so much about him that I love, there are certain qualities that I can no longer live with and that I agree, we will be better off friends.

The qualities I cannot live with involve integrity and character issues that will only lend themselves to more deceit down the road and I am not signing up for that.

I haven't re-filed yet but feel like that is coming in the next few weeks.

I am a much different person today that when I first came to these boards so long ago. DB has been a God send, even though my marriage will not be one of the success stories.

[cat03]

TTH, i'm speachless! you might've as well be taking about my sitch. And Alien (not H anymore) was also furious that ow and I talked, that I was the one who helped her see he was lying to her all the time and mad that his web of lies came to light.
I was wondering what were the factors that made Alien decide that past hurts were the big reasons why he wants to D now.
He still is trying to get to ow, I received 5msgs by mistake, him groveling about her obviously being mad that his vmail was full, it was pathetic, the stuff he hated from her happening all over again, she is harping on him and still he wants to talk to her. Good riddance I say.

I am a much different person today that when I first came to these boards so long ago. DB has been a God send, even though my marriage will not be one of the success stories.

YES and yes, I am too, I've grown so much,which is more than I can say about Alien, I pity him.

[LoginName]

before I read what everyone else has said, I want to respond to your post.

First, I feel for you Cat. I empathise. I want to make it better, but know that I really can't. I can listen.

You know, some people are so crippled by their past that they can't have or maintain a good, real relationship. Your H seems to be one of those. You did what you could. You saw the good that could have been. But you can't fix him. I'm sorry for both of you that it turned out this way. It's probably for the best. You can't fix him. He can only pull you down with him (unless and until he fixes himself, which you can't spend your life hoping for).

Don't let his idea of the past affect yours. His view is his view. That doesn't make it real. When my W told me the last 10 years were awful, that she concidered suicide it was so bad, I was shocked. How could it all have been a lie? It wasn't. Neither was yours. You know the truth.

If he can't let go of those early arguments, he's got some real problems. You have to let go of the past. You can't change it. You know this, and you've moved on. He hasn't, and may never. My wife is trying to get over a couple of things I did way early in our M. When she got preggo with our first, I freaked in a way. I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't thrilled. I was going to get out of the navy, I had no job, I had no idea how to take care of her and a child. She needed and wanted me to be happy. It still bothers her how I acted. I love my son so much. I'm so happy we have him. I can never go back in time and do it over. I can apologize and explain and apologize forever, but I'm tired of apologizing. Either she'll get over it or she won't. So far, she is. You're H isnt' letting go of it. Probably to justify his own bad choices. (if he ever faces the consequences of his bad choices, he'll really be floored.)

Cat, you can stick around the boards. We all like you for you, doesn't matter if your married, peicing, divorced, whatever.

I think you'll really find new strength, joy, hope, and power. I think you'll end up loving your new life. If you're ever in Colorado, let me know and I'll show you around.