Finding Supermom - #4

[saffie]

Frighteningly I have to say my guess would be that is the REAL IC wearing Miss IC's thong. Sounds like IC but the description of what a thong feels like is definately written by someone who has worn one!!!

IC - will you stop at nothing? You devil you!!!

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi Jenny--

I have not checked on you in awhile and i am glad to to see that you are ok for the most part. I am right there with you about the anger and resentment. How do you let go of that? I hate to keep crying about things being fair or unfair, but I really do feel like H gets to walk away and I get left trying to hold it all together. I have to hold it together for me and my son. I guess this is a down day for me because i have failed yet another test in class. I know that I should not call H to discuss, but hard not to because he was once my best friend and the person I commiserated with. Anywho when I told him he was very bland. He simply said "I am sorry you failed your test". I know I should not expect more and really what more can he do, but the fact of the matter is that part of why I feel like I am in a daze and screwing up is because of our situation. I don't blame him, but he plays a big role in it. He does not get it. That is where the anger comes in. I'ts kind of like you could not have waited until I was done with school to pull this sh!t. I now have to focus my prayers on becoming strong enough to finish school (in May) and trying to have a means to make a way for S and I . Anger, Anger, Anger. I know better and I have good days where I am able to move past it, but when I do poorly on tests and I know much of it is because of this madness I get furious. All you can do is say "sorry" and go about your day. Must be nice. I need to go dark! Sorry Jenny I stole your thread I just got on a roll and needed to vent. Send me some of your good advice if you can cuz I surely need it today.

[blindsided1]

I hope that you got some sleep last night. It doesn't matter how old we get, when my Mom hugs me, it makes everything better. It's wonderful that you have her for that. I'm sorry that it's a difficult time for you. It will pass. I hope you have a great time out tonight. Hope your day is going well, too.

[JennyF]

This cold of mine is dragging on forever! Sorry if I haven't been as up on everyone's posts lately...things are a bit crazy.

Last night I had my work function. Now I'm not one for bragging, but I gotta tell you...I looked good. I wore a size 8 dress, my new hair do and NO nursing bra (I wore a bra...just not a nursing one!). I wish I knew what was running through H's head when I came downstairs. As far as it looked...nothing. Although he wasn't making much eye contact with me.
Anyway....I went to my work party. It was good to see people in the real world again. Many were suprised to see me and I got a lot of compliments on my appearance (the last time most of them saw me I was 8 1/2 months preggo.).
I come out of the even...it's snowing as usual, and low and behold, I have a flat tire. Yep....bring it on God! One of the guys I work with helped me put the spare on (ok...I watched a guy I work with put the spare on...) and I got home. H didn't seem to care much when I called him to say I would be a little longer because of the flat. It's so weird because I keep waiting for my H who has concern for my well being to come out when these things happen...but nothing.
He left as soon as I got home...and I might add the I looked even better when I got home because I had to pump!
Anyway, this morning I took D to school, went to my counselling appmt...then to the tire place to get it fixed. What I thought was going to be a $30 repair of tire....has turned into $1,650 for all 4 struts and all 4 tires. Apparently they were so bad I shouldn't have been driving on them. Great with 2 small kids huh? Nice to know H is driving around in the nice SUV!!!
I don't have the money and am panicked about putting it on credit. Bring it on God!!!
If he only gives me what I can handle...he must really think I am Supermom.

H seems to have gotten a bit more distant or cold since our little talk last week. I expected it...but it's such an obvious pattern. I'm feeling ok again knowing that IF the seeds of doubt are planted in him it's just going to take time for them sow.
My C appmt today was good. It was very constructive.
I was supposed to drop off the papers to my L today, but because of the car trouble, I'll have to do it tomorrow. I'm going to meet with her to discuss on Monday. I'm looking forward to getting some things figured out so I have an idea of what is next. I just pray that the finances will work out such that H will not benefit from selling the house or me buying him out. I'm hoping that it will actually cost HIM to do so and that will slow him down. Plus, I know money is a huge thing for him right now so if he starts to see the terrible no so lucrative reality behind this whole thing then maybe that will help sow those seeds.
So hopefully I'll have those answers soon.
S & D are gone with him tonight...no tears this time. Just tears for the F&@%ING $1,600!!!!
*SIGH*
J~

[blindsided1]

Don't you love that? It's great that you looked marvelous, sucks about the flat. H sounds like he's almost going out of his way to be mean/rude/cold/non responsive...whatever. If he were really happy with his life, don't you think he would be treating you well, also. I don't think he's happy with himself. It is hard for me to believe that he wouldn't be concerned with the well being of the Mother of his children. Unless...he's actually upset with you because you are doing fine without him. Who knows what's going on in his head. But, honestly, if he's moving as fast as he is, being cold, being unresponsive, then it sounds like he's trying to convince himself that what he's doing is the correct thing. And, if you need to convince yourself, then you KNOW it's not right.

Hang in there. Keep being okay with or without him. And, keep looking your best around him. He'll break, I know it.

Last night I had my work function. Now I'm not one for bragging, but I gotta tell you...I looked good. I wore a size 8 dress, my new hair do and NO nursing bra (I wore a bra...just not a nursing one!). I wish I knew what was running through H's head when I came downstairs. As far as it looked...nothing. Although he wasn't making much eye contact with me.

Awesome! It sounds like you had a good time. Don't worry that your H didn't get excited about how you looked. I'd be willing to bet that he doesn't find much of anything appealing right now.

H seems to have gotten a bit more distant or cold since our little talk last week. I expected it...but it's such an obvious pattern. I'm feeling ok again knowing that IF the seeds of doubt are planted in him it's just going to take time for them sow.
My C appmt today was good. It was very constructive.

Does your H have a predictable cycle or pattern? I'm debating going back through my previous posts and trying to find the cycle my W runs on. I don't know if it will do any good at all though.

Did you make any fun plans for yourself while your H is watching D&S?

[lizzy]

Sorry for the big bag of suck as Brit would call it. Glad you had fun with "real people." I know I was going nuts at home in the summer and it helped when I got back to work.

Size 8. I won't tell you what I called you when I read that!

[W2G]

Hi Jenny,

Good luck at the L tomorrow. I too hope that you find out it's too expensive for your H to rush into any decision about the house.

As for your car. That was a pricey repair for sure. Those always hurt.. somehow, and I don't know how it happens, but the money is found. Leave it in God's hands and he'll provide. At least now you know that you are driving around in a safe vehicle.

Were you dreading the 10 to 15 cms they were calling for last night? I know I was! I woke up with morning expecting to have to shovel.. and there was barely anything on the ground.. I gave a little woo hoo in celebration. I can't wait for spring.

I'm glad you had fun at your work party.. and I too am envious that you're a size 8. I don't think I could ever get down to that size. You looked smokin' and felt great. Too bad your H is in such a bad place that he can't find joy in anything at the moment. His loss in my opinion.

I'll check back in on you tomorrow.

W2G

PS. Big kudos to you for not crying when the kids left. I have a hard time letting D2 go for overnights so I know how you feel.

[phbear316]

Jenny

I agree with lizzy, you won't believe what i called you too. Size 8.

GOOD FOR YOU, YOU GO GIRL!!! WHOO HOO

glad you had a good time at your party

bear

[JennyF]

LOL. Thank you guys for your 'unkind' words about the size 8. I am 3 pounds away from my weight before I had my daughter (it's almost 4 years ago I was pregnant with her). I can say it is the only good thing that has come out of this whole mess.
My mom keeps asking me if I'm eating! I am...but the stress just seems to melt it off of me.

Well, off to drop off the papers at my L today. I hate this so much...I have an appmt with her on Monday to discuss them.
Everyone please say your prayers and keep your fingers crossed that it will work out in my favour! Meaning that it would be financially stupid for H to sell or have me buy him right now. I just want to buy some time!!!
And money seems to be a big thing for H right now, so if it puts in a bad position...wheels might start turning.

HEY....has anyone else heard of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle??
I've started reading it and anyone who is looking to put and maintain the focus on themselves...it is a must read.
Hope everyone has a good day!
J~