H never came back from Iraq, part 3

[MichelleLT]

That's exactly it! I like the different languages thing!

I think my H shows it more with actions, I show it more with words??? But if things don't change to how he thinks they should be, he doesn't see it as a "real" apology because it's just words??? Whereas my darling H has rarely uttered the words "I'm sorry" since he was 7 and his stepdad told him to quit apologizing and just stop doing it! Apparently H took those words to heart lol.

So far, on the letter, I think it's gonna start like this:

H,

The things that have happened in the last eight months have opened my eyes to a lot of things and forced me to reassess my priorities.

I tend to let myself get caught up in things. It is easy for me to push through stress and difficult times by telling myself it will be over soon. But as a result, I bury my head in the sand and ignore a lot of other very important things.

I am sorry that you felt ignored and unloved when I went back to school....that's where I start running out of ideas. I'm trying to figure out if I want to go into specifics (the fact that I dragged him to a lot of things he didn't enjoy, invited my friends over whom he didn't like (but didn't tell me that), and did not make time to do the things we used to enjoy) and list a lot of things or whether the details will just make it bulky and boring.

[klm]

It may not be a bad idea. I did this about a month after I moved. I apologized for the way that I reacted to the whole situation as well as other things I thought I did wrong. I remember the counselor telling me that H was lost and had forgotten who he was, so she suggested that I remind him of who he is, so I also did that in my letter. I don't know if it played any part in him changing his mind...but I do know that it got him thinking.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I know I was apologizing, and I'll bet she was, but neither one of us could hear the other! And now, I don't know if it can really be fixed. I guess you are there too!

I have to think about your letter a bit. I really like the idea, though. The good thing is it doesn't have a deadline! Though we might want to make one up, or it might never get done!

(((((MichelleLT)))))

I hope your next trip to Arizona is a good one!

[MichelleLT]

klm - Out of curiosity, how long did your letter end up being? I am worried that if I branch out it will get too long, but I don't want to leave things out either. I'm not sure where the balance is.

And do either of you know of others on this BB that have attempted similar things that I could steal some tips and strategies from?

[klm]

I know I was apologizing, and I'll bet she was, but neither one of us could hear the other!

This is why it is good that some time has passed. If things are done in the heat of the moment or out of desperation then nothing will be heard. But, time has passed, you have cooled down, he has cooled down and you could really put some thought into this.

Mine was actually an email. It wasn't too terribly long, probably would have been about a page and a half if printed. You need to be very careful of what you say though. Take some time and put some thought into it. I think it is good to let him know that you don't blame him for everything that is wrong.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Michelle! You just reminded me, I also wanted to write a letter, apologising for similiar things to you..I wrote three they got better as they went on, but not yet sent one (I dont know his address, LOL! well, not funny actually). I think its a great idea for you...in your sitch, I cant see you have much to lose right now, he is already withdrawn and being fairly uncommunicative and yuo need to maybe do something drastic!?

I too wanted to go into specifics...but the third letter did so less, but concentrated more on the WHY... I, like you I reckpn, have been the strong one in the R, I wanted to go back to college, I didnt think about the effect it would have on him (I paod for it, but that meant I was poor! Which affected us as a couple and ability to be spontaneous and go on holidays and stuff). I also hatched alot of plans for us and didnt really consider how he felt about as I was too busy being go getting and confident and SURE it was the right thing for us... so my letter ended up being, basically.. I am sorry that I didnt listen to you. I'm sorry that becuase I was strong and confident and sure of myself, and sure I was doing the right thing for us, that meant that I wasnt listening when you tried to voice concerns and doubts, or I brushed them aside and tried to convince you it was the right course of action. I can see that this meant I effectively controlled the R and was rather domineering, without realising it at the time, and over time, you must have felt increasinly ignored..and like yuor needs werent getting met, or that I wasnt considering how decisions I made were effecting you. You leaving me has been a very humbling experience and I can see now that its not right to conduct a R this way and I have learnt alot about my own behaviour and where I behaved badly and would like to apologise..

I dont know if that helps you at all !?

I didnt send it. Maybe it was tooo blamey on me? Afterall, my BF concealed things, he was a bad communicator, so he often said he was ok with stuff, rather than speak up and say he wasnt.

Ali
_______________
Me: 36
H: 34
T: 9 years
ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07
Own apartment: 26 Jan 08
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1370039&page=0&fpart=1

[MichelleLT]

My H is also a people pleaser and doesn't like to argue. So he'd often say "okay" even if he didn't want to do things. I've since come to realize we have different translations for "okay". For me, it means yes or sure. For him, it shows ambivalence. I missed that though, and he never corrected me.

I like some of what you say there. I think I may steal some of it.

I am set on handwriting it for a number of reasons. My H always wished I would write him more letters, especially when he was deployed even though we talked on IM nearly every day. He also is pretty bad about checking his e-mail lol.

[FLTC]

Michelle,

First of all, thanks for always visiting my thread. I love getting a woman's perspective. Not a lot of that here! Secondly, as I once told you, several other posters have stated that Iraq just exacerbated some latent stuff that was already there with your H. I'm not sure how much you need to apologize. You went to law school for???? To make a betterlife for you and your husband, before kids entered the picture. He needs to suck it up. I feel neglected?? C'mon, dude.

The OW is actually the OC, other child. I've said this to you before, she will outgrow him in due time. Plus, a cutter with a guy who's still married. The layers of pathology are too much to comprehend. This "R" was doomed from the beginning. He is in for a hard fall. Keep your eye on the ball!

I really liked your response to my last post. Thanks!

[klm]

FLTC, I don't think Michelle would be apologizing for the things she did to better herself...more for not noticing that he felt neglected or lonely. Also because things may have been swept under the rug with the thought of we can deal with this when school is over (I totally get that by the way) or things are less stressful.

I also think this would be more for Michelle to get some things off her chest rather than trying to get a reaction out of her H. I know that it helped me to detach and try to move on. There were just some things I needed to say and I don't think I would have let it go until I did.

[MichelleLT]

Lol, I'm not sure about the woman's perspective sometimes. My H and I always had some weird role reversals, I blame the stars (i.e. the fact that I was born in a male sign and he in a female).

As for OW. Yes, one of both of them will outgrow the other soon enough. I have no delusions about that. If they stay together any length of time it will be out of a desparate desire to make things work in order to justify their past indiscretions.

My H has every right to his feelings, whether or not I agree with them. Just like I have every right to mine. He has sucked up a lot of pain, death, and loneliness to get to this place in his life. Maybe he needs an equal amount of time to be selfish and figure out his life and happiness?

At any rate, there are two sides to this stitch, and this letter is about my side. Yes, his deployment exacerbated some of his insecurities, and I was too busy with school to be there for him, didn't attempt to understand what he was going through, and certainly wasn't there to listen when he needed me. That doesn't excuse his behavior in any way, shape, or form.

And yes, he is being a selfish child at the moment.

I am not apologizing for going back to school. And in many ways it's not even about the past, it's about the things I would like to be different in the future, whether with him or not. I don't expect that he will read this letter and toss OW to the side and come back. I want to get some things off my mind and hopefully give him something to think about as well, that's all.