Well, even with 50-50 I'll be getting far more back than what I would have by myself. So, on the one hand, I'm okay with that. On the other hand, it's hard for me not to consider such things just one more small example of how selfish and inconsiderate he has become.
Lol. Of course, it's all speculation at this point since he can't even bother to call me so we can sign the stupid things.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
This week I have been dealing with a lot of graduation stuff. We are starting to get all the advertisements for class rings and graduation announcements.
It's got me kinda philosophical. I've been a student off and on for most of my life. I met my H in college, we got married when I finished college, and now as we both are coming up on graduation we are facing a huge crisis in our M.
At a time when we should finally have a shot at being a real married couple instead of being separated because of the Army or both working and going to school and trying to scrape out time for each other, instead my H is contemplating D as the "answer" to our problems. It seems so silly in many ways because so many of things that he wants to change ARE changing, because of circumstances if nothing else. It just seems like such a waste to walk away when he's finally getting what it seems he was never able to ask for.
I look at OW and have to shake my head. A lot of my reading says that people have As with people either very screwed up or very much like the LBS used to be like. OW seems to be a weird combination of both. In some ways she reminds me of myself (albeit at 17/18 instead of her biological age of 21) but with so many issues. I wonder if H isn't trying to go back and find someone that reminds him of me, but more malleable and more needy, that he can mold into the person he wished I was.
But then I shake my head over the whole thing, because he's got me in a position where he could set the terms for a R (other than going NC with OW since I have no interest in being part of some screwed up love triangle) and create the M he wanted, and he won't take advantage of it.
Anyways, like I said, it just seems like a huge waste.
And it's hard not to think about all this as I am facing a big transition point in my life in general, even w/o the possibility of D looming over my head.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Oh, and let's not forget that I have to go back to AZ this year for training, which is where my H took his mid-tour leave and came to see me for our first wedding anniversary. Plenty of good memories there, which now just leave a weird empty feeling.
This isn't how it was supposed to work out. I just want my H back..
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
(((((Michelle))))) One thing that I have figured out in the short time I have "known" you is that you are going to come through this ok! You understand yourself so well, and that's at least half the battle.
As far as H, well.... I think the deployment triggered, and worsened, some things that were already there. He needs to get help, but you can't make it happen. So all you can do is wait. I also think that while you have grown and matured in the six years you've been together, I'm not sure he has. And maybe the deployment has something to do with that, too. But he is going to have to mature in order to be with you. From here, I get the feeling that he thinks he is inadequate compared to you. He sees your successes, and his failures. You can tell him it doesn't matter until you are blue in the face. It doesn't matter to you, but it does to him. Unless and until he can get past that, I don't see him coming back. Everytime he sees you, he sees all the things that he is not, and he takes it personally. All you can do is give him the space to see that it isn't really a problem. But he will have to grow up before he can get there. He is acting like a teenage boy, he HAS to be better. (I have 3 of those, I see it every day!)
Hang in there Michelle, and do what you need to do. In ther meantime, maybe he will get some help, and do some growing. Maybe he'll see that you show what's possible, that it can be done!
You will be ok no matter what the outcome of this is. You are strong and can take care of yourself. I have said this before and I really think your H feels inferior to you. As Jeff said, you (through no fault of your own) remind him of his failures and all the dreams he hasn't accomplished. Maybe he feels superior to OW...she sounds like a mess. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this. He has to work through it. Maybe he will. One of the things my H said when he came back was that he realized that OW and her friends were the same type of people he hung out with when he was younger, before the AF, before he tried to make something of himself. He said they had no drive in life, had nothing to offer...they were just kind of "there", taking up space. Maybe as time goes on and your H sees that he is still not accomplishing these dreams of his...he will realize that you weren't holding him back. He needs some time to grow.
I know this is all so tough. I know you'll be ok though!! Sorry about the weird AZ memories. Maybe this year you can make some new ones just for you.
About the tax thing - as a practical matter - if you D everything will be split 50/50 in our state. So while I agree it's unfair, it's probably not a battle that's worth fighting.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
As much as you are confused about what you want, your W is probably just as confused with her own feelings as well as with your actions. I know in my case I thought my message was always consistent. I wanted to make the marriage work. But, my actions were not always in line with that. She was confused, I was confused and we were confusing each other.
Also, there was mention of OG not being the issue. This was mentioned at just about every R discussion I had with W before we began patching things up. Yes, I understand that initially the OG or OW is not the issue. There are underlying issues with the marriage that result in the OG or OW coming into the picture. But once that happens, OG/OW is very much an issue and will be until they are removed completely from the picture. I very clearly remember our conversation at the point where she made the decision to really work on things. She did admit that OG had been the problem with her being able to have any desire to work on the M. How can a spouse make a rational decision about fixing a marriage when they are heavily involved with another person? How can H be the right man if W is / was in love with OG?
Love is a decision. Forgiveness is a decision.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I am thinking of writing my H an apology. The goal here would be to convey no expectations, but just to validate his feelings about what went wrong the last couple years and to do a 180 on several fronts.
He was always the letter writer. Granted, it was always romantic stuff. But he was always the one to do those things, and he was the relationship temperature taker - I never had to think about things because for me, this whole R was easy and natural, things just seemed to be going along smoothly. Plus, he has accused me a couple times of never apologizing for anything. This makes me very defensive as I can list off numerous occasions, recent and not so recent, that I have apologized, but can think of few where he has. However, I also realize there are many occasions where he felt slighted but I did not apologize because I didn't think I had to. Not terribly mature of me.
At any rate, my going to law school put a HUGE strain on our R. I was always busy with school and always wanted him to attend functions with me instead of doing the things we used to enjoy together. Last summer he finally told me how neglected he'd felt and that I put everything and everyone else before him.
So, that's the topic I'm thinking of for this letter. A real letter, that I would either mail or drop off at his place. But I want help writing it of course because I'm crappy at editing my own stuff lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
It might be a good idea. I think you'll get some good help here.
The apology thing is interesting.... W thinks I don't apologize, I'm sure I so. She rarely does, a least that I hear. It's almost as though we are speaking different languages. I apologize, but she doesn't hear it, and it seems to work the same way in reverse. (I don't here it, but I am going to assume that she does.) I don't know what it means, but it sounds like the same thing happens to you.
