Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

I am home alone with H tonight and it feels awful. I'm tired and it's cold out, and I went out last night to a club with friends, so I don't feel like GALing out of the house. Kids are at grandma's. I have never felt this awkward and uncomfortable around H and it is making me so sad because now it seems like it's too late. We can't go back to being loving and affectionate and relaxed with each other because he has resisted all my attempts at that and I have stopped trying. Our conversations are stiff and formal. I want to say "c'mon, let's have a few drinks and pretend we're 27 again" but I won't because he would refuse that.

How horrible and sad and lonely this is, to feel awkward around someone you've known for so long. How does this happen???

[seekpeaceofmind]

I know what you mean - it's a terrible feeling. This may change in the future, but there is still the tunnel or whatever it is to pass through. Sometimes I find strength and comfort myself by thinking of the success stories.

I'm home alone tonite - didn't get around to making plans and didn't really feel like going out to a movie or anything else, really. Little bit of depression, but also my way - I tend to be a homebody. I used to love my alone time and would often read for hours. Reading Infidel for book club right now - not exactly Sat nite fare.

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks, spom. The evening turned out OK. We had a drink (always helps lately!) and watched a movie on TV and then we played Boggle. H made me an omelet for dinner. When things feel normal like that--which they do a lot--I almost forget what's going on. We read in bed and then went to sleep. I would have been up for ML, but that's been off the menu for months now. We don't even kiss each other good night anymore. The more those things become the status quo, the harder it is to imagine ever doing them again.

[cw68]

It does seem impossible that things can ever change, but I suppose we all should embrace that they might. It's so hard to be hanging out together now and I wonder how I did it all these months between the bomb and him moving out. I guess with him still there I thought there was more of a chance we could start to fix us? Who knows.

[newnamenewlife]

[quote=cw68 I guess with him still there I thought there was more of a chance we could start to fix us? Who knows. [/quote]

From your recent post on your own thread, it seems like your H is more receptive to working on the M now. I think they can only experience the loss when they actually separate. I wish there was a way for my H to leave so he could see what he's missing.

[newnamenewlife]

My H seems to be going "deeper into the tunnel" these days, as they say. He's more remote--physically and emotionally--than ever. He doesn't even peck me goodbye or hello anymore or say good night when we go to sleep (same bed) unless I do first. Should I continue doing those things, or stop? It scares me that the more neither of us does anything H&W-like, the more we establish how non-married we are.

Today he had lunch with a former colleage, a woman. He told me he was having lunch with her. I've never met her. He left me a phone message a while ago saying he was going to go straight to his chorus rehearsal later without coming home first.
Now, the fact is, he is unemployed and he does spend a lot of time in the library or a cafe with his laptop, and that is most likely what he will do today. But for the first time, I started to wonder if he's having an affair with this woman. I honestly don't think so, knowing him. He works in an industry with more women than men and has always had female friends. And as shi**y as he is being toward me lately, I do think he would not cross that line. Should I ask him directly?

My first impulse upon hearing his message was to call him back and ask where he was going to be for those hours in between lunch and chorus, since our Ds would ask. But I stopped myself. I think he just needs "space" like crazy lately. I want to give it to him, but it hurts so profoundly that the only thing he needs space from is ME. It makes me feel like some castrating b**tch, which I know I am not, even if I have my flaws.

[Nature Girl]

But for the first time, I started to wonder if he's having an affair with this woman. I honestly don't think so, knowing him. He works in an industry with more women than men and has always had female friends. And as shi**y as he is being toward me lately, I do think he would not cross that line. Should I ask him directly?

lmg,

I know this will hurt to hear this, but I would have never guessed in a million gazillion years that my H "would cross that line". I'm not saying your H is having an A, but maybe you should prepare yourself for the possibility.

My H was being sh***y to me. I thought he was stressed at work. My bomb was me asking my H point blank if he was having an A. I was joking and using it as an opening to ask him why he had been treating me so bad for the past few months. His first answer to the A question was no, but ... I am unhappy, something is missing, etc., etc. (nothing related to work, it was all me). I was devastated, I had no clue there was anything wrong with our R. We talked about his unhappiness for the next two mornings and I never asked anything more about an A or an OW. Then at the end of the third morning's conversation, he said he was in love with another woman and that nothing physical had happened. And my story continues to this day almost a year later.

So, be careful what you ask if you aren't prepared for what he might say. And then again, you know he is in mlc, so he may not tell you the truth anyway.

(((hugs))) lmg. I know it isn't what you want to hear right now.

[newnamenewlife]

Yeah, who knows? I really doubt it (since he emailed me a while ago, so he is probably at the library.) At this point, I'd almost be relieved to find out there was some explanation. If it is an A, I would guess it's an EA. I have asked him point-blank several times and he has said no--even in front of our MC. She has also indicated to me in IC that it seems unlikely.

I know, it seems like I am in denial. My H was so incredibly shy with women before he met me (and I was more of the aggressor) and is such an Eagle Scout type who remains basically responsible, that it would shock me, even under the circumstances. But, yep, it's always those types, isn't it?

I don't understand where people find all these men and women out there willing to have affairs. Honestly, I am a very attractive woman and no man has EVER come on to me anywhere! It just boggles my mind when I read the posts here and everyone's spouse seems to have an OP. Maybe it's because I'm a freelancer and I work at home alone? I don't even know where I'd begin if I decided I wanted to have an affair (not that I would).

[seekpeaceofmind]

At this point, I'd almost be relieved to find out there was some explanation. If it is an A, I would guess it's an EA. I have asked him point-blank several times and he has said no--even in front of our MC. She has also indicated to me in IC that it seems unlikely.

I know, it seems like I am in denial.

Although many are having affairs, not all are. I don't think it's "denial" if you have no evidence to the contrary. A lunch meeting that you are told about is not such evidence. You've asked and he's answered and I think it would be counter-productive to ask again.

I know what you mean that it would almost be a relief to have an "explanation" - but MLC probably does explain a lot of what is going on in your sitch, even if there is no OP involved.

[Nature Girl]

lmg,

Well I think you hit the work at home thing on the head. Apparently many affairs are somehow related to work, if not co-workers, then maybe other sales reps or however people interact in a given profession.

Also, from what I can tell from what my H has told me, and it meshes with what I have read about As. Most unfaithful people, did not go looking for the A. It is usually a friendship, that turns into more when one or both of the A partners are vulnerable (mlc unhappiness, or a truely unhappy M, or just feeling bad about life events, but the at home spouse is too overwhelmed with life to notice).

I don't think it seems like you are in denial, you know your H better than anyone (at least until he was abducted!).