Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

I'm really encouraged by what your W is saying. Of course, we're told to not believe anything we hear and only half of what we see (funny, my Great Grandmother, who lived to be 93, full of P&V the whole time told me that when I was very young). BUT, your W's actions are: she's awake when you're there, she is talking to you & asking questions (I'm assuming she hasn't talked much about D lately - another action/inaction) and she's asking others about what you are doing/who you are seeing. You've definitely created some mystery!

It's wonderful to see your kids getting on board w/ what you are trying to do, but in a subtle way - they sound like wonderful people (a reflection of you!) and that they really do care about you and your W's happiness. I know that if my D was older, she would be doing the same.

Bet seeing yourself w/out the goatee must be like looking at another person. Alot of women have strong opinions about facial hair on their men - I'm not surprised your W thinks you did it for someone else. More mystery!

Yesterday evening I finally talked to H after no word for days. He was cautiously excited about this job - he has been told he will have a written offer by Fri, but I know he is afraid that it could all blow up in his face. But I was encouraging and supportive and excited for him as he told me the details of his conversations w/ the recriuter. I mentioned that I had been worried about him since I hadn't heard from him in days, and I was afraid that the news about this job had been bad and he was upset. He said that he wanted to talk to me about that later, since I had dinner plans w/ D's friend's family and had to go.

So I called him back after D had gone to bed. We first talked about D and her behaviour challenges (I did so w/out blaming him, though I suspect he is aware that alot of her issues are from our sep).

I hadn't intended for it to turn into an R talk w/ him, but it turned into one, though not by my initiative. He asked me if I had plans for the rest of the week and I said, "yes, why do you ask?" He got defensive and agitated and said, "never mind, it doesn't matter." I asked him what was going on & where was this coming from. He said, "I get it. You are being cautious, not telling me anything. It's my fault." I asked him if he wanted to ask me to do something with him and he said something to the effect of I should have known that was what he was asking. So I ended up telling him what my plans were & who with. He asked about my friends and mentioned that alot of my new friends are single or divorced. I didn't respond. I also ended up making plans to see him as he asked me to come over after D goes to bed today and wanted to come to the school event on Fri. I also mentioned that D was sleeping over at her friend's next week, did he have any plans and would he like to do something w/ me. He said yes.

I know, these things were not what I had planned to do or say to him. I didn't create mystery and I did jump at the chance to see him. But you know, I think those were the right things to do. I hear him reaching out to me, and I think that it would be helpful for him to feel rejected by me right now. I believe he is broken, guilty, afraid, depressed, overwhelmed by how he has completely destroyed so much and doesn't know how to fix it. He said he feels like he has nothing to give D and I, he wants to feel like he has some value. I said I understand why he would feel that way. I also said that he needs to know that his value to us is not only monetary. I said I don't go to sleep at night wondering when H is going to start making money - I go to sleep at night wondering when I will stop going to bed alone every night. He said he thinks about both of those things every night.

Then I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about that he mentioned in our earlier conversation. He said that he calls me and calls me and often doesn't get hold of me. But when I make one call and don't get him, I say something like what I said in my vmail msg yesterday and he feels like he has screwed up.

And that's when I told him that I'm trying to give him space, that I'm trying to guess what he needs b/c he's not telling me what he needs. He had told me about a month ago that he needs to be away from me sometimes in order to feel comfortable around me (hmm poking in and out of the tunnel?). I reminded him of that and that I interpreted that as him needing space. I don't want to push him away by trying to pull him closer to me. If he needs me to call him more often I will, but I didn't think that's what he wanted. I asked him if he would be able to tell me what he needs from me. He said that I used to know what he needed. I said tell me when that was. Then he said I used to know what he needed, I would hold him and talk to him, and I just knew. I wanted to explain that we need to tell each other what we need, but I stopped myself and instead said that I wanted to do these things for him.

He said at one point in the conversation that he's afraid someone is going to walk into my life and walk away with me, if that hasn't already happened. I let a long silence go by, not sure what to say. Then I said that I didn't want him to feel that way.

I also told him that I understand that this job/career thing consumes all of his thoughts. He said it does. I told him that I believe in him. He said "I guess I just need to hear that." I said that I'm not afraid b/c I know that he will make things alright again.

There was alot more to this conversation, but I feel actually really good about how it came out and what was said and how it ended. This time I said ILY first.

So I'm still going out tonight after work, but I'll stop in and see him afterwards. Tomorrow I'm going to be out late. Friday I will see him at the school. I don't know about the w/end, but he is taking D skiing again. I'm still wondering about OW, but our talk makes me doubt her involvement now. Yeah, I know, I keep flip flopping on that one, and I guess I will for awhile.

Thanks for keeping me focused on the good things and keep up the good job you are doing - it seems to be producing the desired response. Just be ready when she reaches out to you to cautiously reach back. That's I guess what I need to start doing a bit more of, again, as you suggested earlier.

FA