Walk Away Fiancee

[nate75]

I did not respond to Amy. By total surprise I just received another text message from her:

Just so u know - i'm subletting Kyle's apartment for 6 months while he's in Iraq and the rent is paid by the airforce...we needed to open a joint account so that I could access the rent money

I was totally wrong. My next move could be critical...I am leaning toward doing nothing and letting her make the next contact. What do you think? I really need your advice.....thanks.

Nate

[NikB]

I can't say it any better than Fish has been so instead of re-hashing it all, I'll just suggest that you re-read Fish's posts throughout your thread.

You are right that your next move could be critical - but I hope you will really look at the situation and make the right move FOR YOU. Not with the goal of saving an R that (in my opinion) is never going to be what you want/wanted.

[fish]

WHAT THE FU*K?

NATE ... A couple of Soprano looking guys and I are about to get in the car, drive to Albany or wherever you are and kick your ass! By the way... I am 5 minutes from the real Soprano house and I can give you a tour of all the sites... Green Grove nursing home, Tony's moms house is within walking distance, Tony's place, Ba Da Bing, etc. etc.

That's what you need Nate. Go out with your friends tonight to some strip club and forget about Amy!

This chick is BAD news. Stay the fu*k away from her.

I told you she would start reaching out to you... you cracked the door open and our little mouse peeked her head out and said, "Nate where is my fuc*ing piece of cheese."

Get ready dude... this chick is going to knock on your door real soon. She's got some pride, so she waited for you to make the first move, now that you have, she is ready to strike like the Cobra. Listen to "Self Esteem" by the Offspring. Really listen to it dude.

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over and I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert

Oh I know I'm being used
That's okay man cause I like the abuse
Oh I know she's playing with me
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem

NATE - I am not letting you go back to Amy. I am going to save you from a life of misery and a trip to DB University and Child Support Alley.

[nate75]

Fish...as miserable as I am...you fricken crack me up. You 'da man...I appreciate it.

Nate

[fish]

You are like the little brother I never wanted - only kidding.
Don't be miserable -- go have fun.

Just pretend that Amy is dead. Have a funeral for her with your buddies - that could be a hell of a lot of fun...

Here lies Amy.. the love of my life.. the woman who pushed me to the absolute edge.. the girl of my dreams.. who almost had me locked up.. a real doll... with a drug problem and $100K in debt.

I will always love her - Nate75

[NikB]

See, I knew Fish would say it better.

Nate - what are you going to do to help yourself STOP being miserable??

I kind of like the funeral idea, too. Either jokingly with your buddies, or more seriously - write her a eulogy and say goodbye! It really did help me when my H was moved out to think through "What if he had died suddenly, what would I be doing to grieve and move on?"

[NikB]

How's it going, Nate?

[nate75]

Not feeling very good lately. I have not contacted Amy since I told her that she was removed from my insurance on Monday.

I am beating myself up pretty bad over the past couple days. I know am taking more responsibility for the failed relationship than I probably should....but....

I am reading Codependent No More and I am seeing the situation that I created. It is all part of the "Drama Triangle".

First I was on the "rescue" leg. I was the caretaker and fixer. I tried to do everything I could to help her out. I loaned her money, I helped her consolidate debt so she could get out of bartending (then she eventually went back), I helped her get professional clothing, I helped her write essays to get into school, I supported her desire to go to school, I assisted her with her homework, I walked her dogs when needed so she could go to school, I picked up dinner when she needed it, I took care of her dry cleaning, I paid her bills for her (she had a habit of paying them late with her busy schedule which killed her credit card interest rates), started a plan to get her out of debt to the sum of 100k, I did a lot of things (not all) that she wanted to do (going out, plays, comedy shows, movies), and I took her on her life long dream vacation to France.

Next, I went to the "persecutor" leg. This started within the last two months. I was doing all this stuff for her. And what was she doing? Everything for herself...volunteering (when she was in no position to volunteer because she didn't have enough money), school twice a week, coffee shop on sundays to do school work, happy hour with friends, karaoke with coworkers at a gay bar until 3am and 4am (a couple of her coworkers are lesbians and the gay bar is next door to where they work). Where was I? In her brothers basement, miserable that I had been there for almost a year and a half, recovering from my New Years Eve assault...alone. I was negative and going through a rough time. I was no longer the better option so she went out with her friends more....this snowballed and made me more irritated. I then "persecuted" her for not being with ME. This led to her resenting me and feeling like I was controlling her and "keeping her in a box".

This brought me to the final leg where I became the "victim". I yet again became the victim and she left me. Looking at the situation from this perspective...how can you blame her?

Then on the other hand, I look at al the things that I did do....combined with the fact that I treated her really well, that I was fairly romantic (mix tapes, flowers, etc.), that I know I have pretty good bedroom "skills" (several times I made her cry from happiness when being intimate...I was the first person she was with that didn't make her feel dirty about sex), workout 5x a week (6'3", 195#, shaved head, blue eyes, very athletic)....

How could she find better than me?

Who would want 100k in debt?

I thought I was the total package?

How did she stop loving me? I tried my best....

But apparently there is something so horrible about me that she felt it necessary to walk away...it must be my codependancy

Nate

[Pinkribbon]

You are going through the ringer right now. I do hope you will feel better but it takes a lot of tears and time to get to that stage. I don't have any words of wisdom because I am struggling everyday with my WAH and his decision but this is a good place to come and vent, hash and rehash things out. People are excellent. And BTW they are right there are tons of women who would love to have a decent, good man so don't let go of him inside of you.

[NikB]

Nate - don't beat yourself up too much. I'm glad you're seeing what went wrong, so you can work on ways to fix it.

Wanted to comment on the very first part of that - the "rescue" leg. I see exactly what you mean in terms of the pattern that played out in your R. My question would be, though, if you're breaking that pattern of co-dependecy, would you CHOOSE someone who needs you to 'rescue' her?? My bet is, probably not. And please don't take 100% of the blame - remember that co-dependency takes BOTH of you.