Good bye friends

[cat03]

Just came from our last counseling session, we didn't go in an attempt to try to talk things through, he basically "came for me" he said, and I went to get things out of my chest one last time.
It was a blood bath. Old stuff came out, issues from when we got married and shortly afterwards, of course he brought up the never-dying argument in which I told him I didn't see myself marrying him and the wedding night in which I told him he "had got his fill, i wont' have sex with you tonight" which set the tone for the entire M and he has never EVER forgotten and which he says told him how the whole M would go. I admit I was a drama queen back then and said some shocking stuff, but not as bad as he puts it.

I always wondered why he wasn't angry about me going birthcontrol and then we got prego (in my mind, if I didn't stay in birthcontrol then we wouldnt' "do it", we always felt guilty about that, we both went to church & knew it was wrong to have sex before marriage. And now he brings it up, how self-righteous I was which let to the pregnancy, how he married me so I wouln't abort the baby, we've been through this before-I did say at the time I found out "I can't do this" and that's it, I never EVER seriously considered abortion, but this argument has come up before and nothing is going to change his mind that he saved the baby from abortion by marrying me, that he most likely was going to break off the engagement since all we did was fight (we did argue, but he always always made sure we made up and told me how much he loved me).

And the C? fine, thank you very much, he just sat there as we argued & H yelled. I brought up MLC 3 times, the C just said "but what if it's true, this is what he is feeling right now", never ONCE addressed MLC as a possibility, neither depression.

Things went downhill fast, H told me how he put up with my crap for years (yes, I admitted to my faults before) and that that's why it is not too hard to go through this, to take my crap to another person that he wasn't having it anymore.

He never EVER forgave me for any of my mistakes, even as I ask 4 his forgiveness last year and the yr before that one.We went to C the year he came back and last year, he never brought up those subjects at all, if they were so ingrained in him and the core for his unhappiness, why didnt' he just say so?
He said from then on (the M) things were just bad, that the 6 ,7 (couldnt remember) years before he left were misery.

Whatever love I had for him has died today. I can see tons of MLC but I also see that he does mean for real some of the stuff he said (resenting always me for getting prego and me giving him crap hence he also "gave me a reason" to give him crap about.

I amost want to agree, that the whole thing was a sham to him, our whole lives...almost, they sure never were a sham to me. There were good times which outweighted the bad by far, but perhaps he's always been this person I see now, afraid to speak up and instead covered up issues with lies and pretends, it does make sense.

I'm truly done now, if I thought for a few fleeting secs that at some point this year before the D he'd say "I made a mistake" I 'm so over my M now.
I got 2 txt msgs from him, the first one said "I really need to talk to someone other than my friends, please call me, I feel really bad" and I thought it odd since our communication is short & to the point now, I responded but never got an answer (they were old msgs from yesterday which I didnt' see until today"
Today I check my phone and it said "3 people from work left me messages so it necame full again... i'm sorry ur right i should hav deleated some on other phone..." hmmm, I wonder who they can be for? He told me right before the C session that they were meant for someone else (before I read the last one) for whatever it was worth I told him not to have that woman near the kids until we D, for all I know he's back with ow , I dont' give a damn anymore

It was horrible, I cried, he was horrible. He's now apologizing in various txts, that he didnt' meant to say it that way, that I deserve better, but, you can't take back words of that nature, he's never hurt me like this before, he just thinks I'm mad about the other woman, the A pales in comparison to what he spewed out of his mouth.

Something broke inside me, I truly want nothing with him and told him so, that i didnt' want him, that the person I had in front of me wasn't not someone I wanted to be with.

My H's dad was almost a psychotic angry awful person who'd beat their family and abused them verbally, made the mom's life heck, at some point left, had an ow, she had an abortion, but came back and put a front until he died 9yrs ago. H's mom told him he had outdone his father by a whole lot by the way he's behaved.

This section of the board is for you who have lots of hope and millions of chances to have a solid M, I have nothing to do here anymore, I love you all for all the support you have given me, but now I'm only a horrible example of how awful a sitch can get. But remember, not all of you married in the circumstances I married and not all your Ss have the deep issues and self inflicted scars and mental problems my H has.

I've been blessed by your support, one day when this awful world comes to an end I hope to meet you face to face, for I know this suffering on earth is only for a little while, I will feel better eventually, will still lurk of course. Love you all)))))))))))))