Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

[Underdog]

Cagzmom,

I think many of us were fuzzy on the boundaries and not very wise in knowing the difference between a threat and enforcing a boundary. I often sat around wondering why I would tolerate behavior from some people that I would NEVER tolerate from my children. Then I began to realize that if I didn't stand up for myself all of the time, nobody else would. Basically, I was teaching others how to treat me by the way I treated myself.

Just an example, and maybe this will hit close to home for some. Why would I allow someone to lie to me when I would hold someone else's feet to the fire?

Good for you in enforcing the boundary for friendship. That's a start. It's unfortunate that he chose the way he did, but it's better that you honored yourself by taking better care of you after he made that choice.

Where do you need more support in this regard?

Okay, now that you have identified some good things about yourself, what are a few things that you would like to improve?

One note about him having your power. You didn't make this distinction, but one can never steal power... we give it away. This is a very tough way to learn how to keep our power and how to be flexible.

I still catch myself in this struggle now and again. I'll whine to myself about being stuck in a big house, with bigger payments than I'd like, bigger taxes and bigger upkeep. Then I remind myself that not selling the house was MY idea and MY choice. It gets me off the blame wagon and reminding myself that I always, ALWAYS have choices. I may not like all of them all of the time, but I have choices nonetheless.

I'm not saying you do this too, but this is one of the big areas I tended to get stuck reliving. There's just too much temptation playing the victim, and honestly, every once in awhile, I feel I deserve to be one. But 10 minutes later, I'm honest with myself that it doesn't provide me with a solution, nor does it empower me. I get over it when I force myself to remind me that I choose what I choose.

I'm hoping you realize through all of this that your H's choices are not a true reflection of you and your worth as a woman and a wife? I'm pretty sure that IMP has said this in his own words, but I just want to say it again. His choices are about him and his own character flaws and hopefully he'll use this time as a chance to learn more about himself. It's probably doubtful since he's not here, but you are, and that has to be a good thing for you personally. After all, you're the one seeking to better yourself.

Progress is great, C - and you're getting this.

Betsey