Journal..... ( very long )


I still come to this website almost 2 years later and realize how much I have grown as a person and also how much other people have to deal with and I continue to pray for others here and hope for the best.

I think we all want to see the best in our spouse thru this and work so hard because Family is so important to all of us here.

I personally worked really hard to scrape what was left of me off the pavement and begin to live again. I look at shirts that used to fit me and they now fit my almost 11 year old daughter. I cannot believe they fit me when I was seperated. I am D cup..... I WAS NO LONGER ME... I WAS LOSING MYSELF WHILE TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. I looked like I hadnt eaten in weeks and my soul felt depleted. I felt so sad and tired. I would look at my kids and wonder,,, when do I tell them and how can I break their heart like that.

So I worked harder,,,, and there was a day when I put the DB aside for a moment and felt like I ruined everything I had worked for and told him ... IT IS ME OR HER, NO MORE PUSSYFOOTING AROUND. YOU EITHER TELL HER TO STOP CALLING AND SUPPORT ME IN THIS OR GO TO HER. I WILL NOT SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS ANY LONGER. IT IS ONE THING FOR HER TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME... AND QUITE ANOTHER FOR HER TO BLATANTLY KEEP TRYING SO HARD TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN , NOW THAT YOU ARE HOME. THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE. MY KIDS WILL NOT SUFFER B/C OF HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I remember crying very hard when I got off the phone with him. That took a lot out of me.... but she wasnt going to have the last say. I was so tired of her calling and if he left then he left to go be with her,,,, but I was not going to sit by wringing my fingers anymore.


I honestly believe I am on the tail end of recovering this nitemare. AND ALL THE PAIN THAT COMES WITH IT....... I used to cry and sob so hard I thought I would break in half. I gave him years and years and he decided to one day just say it is over. Leave his Family to escape working on a Marriage that was still worth fighting for. when I started to detach and really work hard on me is when I felt better!!!!!!!!!!!~ I felt like me and it gave me my strength of a Woman back!!!!!!!!~

Even the other day when I posted that he argued with me on the phone. I told him ~"I would never forget that day or our seperation and I think of every day we have together as a gift but it doesnt mean I am going to walk on eggshells the rest of my life or allow you to throw it on my face that YOU gave ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

I am doing my best and I give you my all and if it isnt enough and you leave again , so be it. But I WILL no longer fight anymore and I know it wont be my fault cause I have given you everything I am and I have done my best. I cant guess what you want or need everyday if you dont communicate with me. I love you and will love you all the days of my life and I have tried my best at all times and it never seems to be enough for you, everything I do is wrong. So if you ever leave again it is on you. I ahev changed a lot and noone is perfect."

~Wow~ ( I wonder if I took a breath in there?~ )
I will say this ~he is a good ( fabulous \:\) ) listener. He let me say all that and I believe he only interupted once.



I have grown up so much and during this time. I have really let go of my EGO and they way things are "supposed" to be. As much as I can . I am still a work in progress. When you become aware of how much power you have on others by who you are and how you treat them it makes everything I do so important. And makes me realize that I am important. For a long time and I still stuggle with it... I felt very unimportant.

I see that when I am strong he reacts and grows...... and more important it makes me feel so Damn good. Yes he is very important to me , but I need to be important to me for this to work at all. I need to love me.... it is easy to love him flaws and all.......... but loving myself that is the hardest damn job I have.

It is the staying strong with love that gets tricky for me. I also used to think standing my ground meant I had to be a bitch.
I was either super sweet or when he did me wrong just turned ugly. I am doing better at getting my point across with tact and strength. And I see it gets better results and he listens more.

God bless , ~Ali