I still come to this website almost 2 years later and realize how much I have grown as a person and also how much other people have to deal with and I continue to pray for others here and hope for the best.
I think we all want to see the best in our spouse thru this and work so hard because Family is so important to all of us here.
I personally worked really hard to scrape what was left of me off the pavement and begin to live again. I look at shirts that used to fit me and they now fit my almost 11 year old daughter. I cannot believe they fit me when I was seperated. I am D cup..... I WAS NO LONGER ME... I WAS LOSING MYSELF WHILE TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. I looked like I hadnt eaten in weeks and my soul felt depleted. I felt so sad and tired. I would look at my kids and wonder,,, when do I tell them and how can I break their heart like that.
So I worked harder,,,, and there was a day when I put the DB aside for a moment and felt like I ruined everything I had worked for and told him ... IT IS ME OR HER, NO MORE PUSSYFOOTING AROUND. YOU EITHER TELL HER TO STOP CALLING AND SUPPORT ME IN THIS OR GO TO HER. I WILL NOT SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS ANY LONGER. IT IS ONE THING FOR HER TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME... AND QUITE ANOTHER FOR HER TO BLATANTLY KEEP TRYING SO HARD TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN , NOW THAT YOU ARE HOME. THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE. MY KIDS WILL NOT SUFFER B/C OF HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember crying very hard when I got off the phone with him. That took a lot out of me.... but she wasnt going to have the last say. I was so tired of her calling and if he left then he left to go be with her,,,, but I was not going to sit by wringing my fingers anymore.
I honestly believe I am on the tail end of recovering this nitemare. AND ALL THE PAIN THAT COMES WITH IT....... I used to cry and sob so hard I thought I would break in half. I gave him years and years and he decided to one day just say it is over. Leave his Family to escape working on a Marriage that was still worth fighting for. when I started to detach and really work hard on me is when I felt better!!!!!!!!!!!~ I felt like me and it gave me my strength of a Woman back!!!!!!!!~
Even the other day when I posted that he argued with me on the phone. I told him ~"I would never forget that day or our seperation and I think of every day we have together as a gift but it doesnt mean I am going to walk on eggshells the rest of my life or allow you to throw it on my face that YOU gave ME ANOTHER CHANCE.
I am doing my best and I give you my all and if it isnt enough and you leave again , so be it. But I WILL no longer fight anymore and I know it wont be my fault cause I have given you everything I am and I have done my best. I cant guess what you want or need everyday if you dont communicate with me. I love you and will love you all the days of my life and I have tried my best at all times and it never seems to be enough for you, everything I do is wrong. So if you ever leave again it is on you. I ahev changed a lot and noone is perfect."
~Wow~ ( I wonder if I took a breath in there?~ ) I will say this ~he is a good ( fabulous ) listener. He let me say all that and I believe he only interupted once.
I have grown up so much and during this time. I have really let go of my EGO and they way things are "supposed" to be. As much as I can . I am still a work in progress. When you become aware of how much power you have on others by who you are and how you treat them it makes everything I do so important. And makes me realize that I am important. For a long time and I still stuggle with it... I felt very unimportant.
I see that when I am strong he reacts and grows...... and more important it makes me feel so Damn good. Yes he is very important to me , but I need to be important to me for this to work at all. I need to love me.... it is easy to love him flaws and all.......... but loving myself that is the hardest damn job I have.
It is the staying strong with love that gets tricky for me. I also used to think standing my ground meant I had to be a bitch. I was either super sweet or when he did me wrong just turned ugly. I am doing better at getting my point across with tact and strength. And I see it gets better results and he listens more.
I still come to this website almost 2 years later and realize how much I have grown as a person and also how much other people have to deal with and I continue to pray for others here and hope for the best.
I think we all want to see the best in our spouse thru this and work so hard because Family is so important to all of us here.
I personally worked really hard to scrape what was left of me off the pavement and begin to live again. I look at shirts that used to fit me and they now fit my almost 11 year old daughter. I cannot believe they fit me when I was seperated. I am D cup..... I WAS NO LONGER ME... I WAS LOSING MYSELF WHILE TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. I looked like I hadnt eaten in weeks and my soul felt depleted. I felt so sad and tired. I would look at my kids and wonder,,, when do I tell them and how can I break their heart like that.
So I worked harder,,,, and there was a day when I put the DB aside for a moment and felt like I ruined everything I had worked for and told him ... IT IS ME OR HER, NO MORE PUSSYFOOTING AROUND. YOU EITHER TELL HER TO STOP CALLING AND SUPPORT ME IN THIS OR GO TO HER. I WILL NOT SUBJECT MYSELF TO THIS ANY LONGER. IT IS ONE THING FOR HER TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME... AND QUITE ANOTHER FOR HER TO BLATANTLY KEEP TRYING SO HARD TO TAKE YOU AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN , NOW THAT YOU ARE HOME. THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE. MY KIDS WILL NOT SUFFER B/C OF HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember crying very hard when I got off the phone with him. That took a lot out of me.... but she wasnt going to have the last say. I was so tired of her calling and if he left then he left to go be with her,,,, but I was not going to sit by wringing my fingers anymore.
I honestly believe I am on the tail end of recovering this nitemare. AND ALL THE PAIN THAT COMES WITH IT....... I used to cry and sob so hard I thought I would break in half. I gave him years and years and he decided to one day just say it is over. Leave his Family to escape working on a Marriage that was still worth fighting for. when I started to detach and really work hard on me is when I felt better!!!!!!!!!!!~ I felt like me and it gave me my strength of a Woman back!!!!!!!!~
Even the other day when I posted that he argued with me on the phone. I told him ~"I would never forget that day or our seperation and I think of every day we have together as a gift but it doesnt mean I am going to walk on eggshells the rest of my life or allow you to throw it on my face that YOU gave ME ANOTHER CHANCE.
I am doing my best and I give you my all and if it isnt enough and you leave again , so be it. But I WILL no longer fight anymore and I know it wont be my fault cause I have given you everything I am and I have done my best. I cant guess what you want or need everyday if you dont communicate with me. I love you and will love you all the days of my life and I have tried my best at all times and it never seems to be enough for you, everything I do is wrong. So if you ever leave again it is on you. I ahev changed a lot and noone is perfect."
~Wow~ ( I wonder if I took a breath in there?~ ) I will say this ~he is a good ( fabulous ) listener. He let me say all that and I believe he only interupted once.
I have grown up so much and during this time. I have really let go of my EGO and they way things are "supposed" to be. As much as I can . I am still a work in progress. When you become aware of how much power you have on others by who you are and how you treat them it makes everything I do so important. And makes me realize that I am important. For a long time and I still stuggle with it... I felt very unimportant.
I see that when I am strong he reacts and grows...... and more important it makes me feel so Damn good. Yes he is very important to me , but I need to be important to me for this to work at all. I need to love me.... it is easy to love him flaws and all.......... but loving myself that is the hardest damn job I have.
It is the staying strong with love that gets tricky for me. I also used to think standing my ground meant I had to be a bitch. I was either super sweet or when he did me wrong just turned ugly. I am doing better at getting my point across with tact and strength. And I see it gets better results and he listens more.
I feel very calm today. I feel like I am getting beter within myself. I had fun with my kids last nite.... we sat in the living room listening to music and my kids were dancing, and I was laughing really hard. They are hilarious.
I am feeling optimistic about my future, like I am really going to be able to do this and do it well. Yesterday my H was a little under the weather, *( he has a toothache)*, and he snapped at me. Did not call me names he just was grouchy and normally something small like that would make my day blue but I took a deep breath and let it go and went back to cleaning my kitchen, and dancing to the music that was playing on the radio. I let him own it and keep it actually also.
He called a few hours later and I answered in a normal tone not my happy voice I usually answer in when it is him. HE IMMEDIATELY APOLOGIZED FOR HIS BEHAVIOR I WAS FLOORED * ( BUT DID NOT SHOW IT) ;). ~Wow~ is all I can say.. he is continuing to surprise me. And I am really working hard at not fixing him and all his feelings and taking ownership only for me and who I am. It makes my day so much more tranquil.
Sure if I affect his day with my moods or me I apologize, but I rarely hurt his feeling just cause. I ven teahc my kids, just cause you are having a bad day doesnt mean you take it out on everyone you encounter. You work on it within you and let it go and by all means if someone hurts your feelings you let them know that it wasnt ok what they did or said to you. I myself have been guilty of letting people hurt me and hurt me some more and when I cant take anymore then I let them know.
~Living like that so others would not be offended meanwhile they were being regular A$$'s hurt me more than I will ever know. Now I try as much as I can to keep irt real.
And especially with my Hubby, I used to let him hurt me so much and just swallow it all and then some more and I was stuffed at the seams with pain and hurt, and there again I thought I was helping by being quiet. When what I needed to do was say something...... say something so my heart wouldn't shut down and shut him out. It is 2 months away from the day he said " I dont think I can do this anymore, I think we should get a Divorce."
I wonder if I will ever forget that day???????? Dont think so , The pain feels so much cleaner now.. it is a slight hurt that stays with me. Back then it was an all consuming hurt. Looking back I realize I could have just put my hands up and said yeah I give up you are rigth honey this isnt worth fighting for. But I refused to give up until I gave everything I could.Some days giving up was on my mind and I flirted with it and then I kept on, took a deep breath abd tried harder.
I can still remeber him saying to me ..... " I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU BUT IT HURT TOO MUCH TO STAY....."
I never realized by shutting down like I do when I am in pain, I was shutting him out too.?!?!?!~ He has been an absolute angel for a bit again and I always hope he stays this way. Stays Human but on a sweeter level. One where he can admit I was wrong, where he can admit he loves me where he can admit he NEEDS ME once in awhile where he can admit that he WANTS ME and only me to share his life and his body and soul. The Human Being that can admit that he loves me and needs me to make his life a little sweeter. A REAL MAN who shows me he is vulnerble too and places his heart and , body and soul in my hands and says here I am be a part of my life and take care of me as I will take care of you. That is really all I ever have wanted from him. The Cadillac and the Jewelry sure they are real nice but his love is so muuuuuch better. ~Life is good and God loves me more than I can ever repay him. I am stronger now than ever, older and wiser. God bless you all ~Ali
Well not much new to update on... H is still In Mexico, my kids are well. And I am well too. I stopped dwelling so much on my weight and in the process have lost 4 pounds I am really excited about that. I have secretly been obsessing @ my weight for years. In the process not enjoying my life , my body nor my food ~ to be honest. I have let go so to speak and try to just put in what is good. ( chocolate cake with chocolate frosting is still my fave).
Treat my body like the temple it has always been, but I never chose to see. I have been using the affirmation of " do not overfeed your body" and crazy as that sounds it has been working. I also really enjoy my work. I Looooooooove giving Facials. It makes me feel awesome when I make someone relax and feel good too. I come home excited to see my Family.
My H has been so loving with me lately. I feel like he has set the armor down and he is trying to just feel the love. Like he trusts me more. Like he can be vulnerable around me.
I get an ILY almost 5 times a week now and you know what it still feels so special eevry time he says it. Like Angels start to sing around me when he says those three little words. The other day when I asked what he was up to.. he responded with. Loving you and missing you too~!!!!!! In this genuine matter of fact way.
Are you kidding me I am putty in his hands.......
So May 1st, will be the 2 year mark and it has felt at times like an eternity to get here and at the same time where did the time go?
As I work on getting my EGO more and more out of the way,, and look at my H presence in my life as a gift and not his obligation to me for being a Great Wife it seems so much more rewarding and real. And like it gets so much more loving between the 2 of us.
Lately this honestly feels so blissful. And the more I let go .. the more he loves me.
For soooooooooooooooooo long I thought if I held on really , really tight. And almost held my breath so to speak it would get better. But I see now it takes so much more strength to let go and love. The way I feel lately is amazing. I have so much more energy and my house is more organized and my heart is so full. I am truly rich and blessed and it all changed when I chose to change. God is good.
Just got off the phone with H and wanted to post here to keep it in my mind these next few weeks before he comes home. We talked for over an hour...............
~Wow I have a lot of homework. And this takes me back to square one just like every year. I have read Passionate Marriage 2 times already. Time to get it out and re read it and really change.
Ok so here are his points... 1. I need to choose him in sex ( initiate more) 2. be more creative. 3. choose him 4. Initiate more 5. choose him 6. show him the passion I say I feel in sex , not words. 7. choose him 8. Make him feel wanted ( he says I make him feel very lonely and not desired) ( I was @ to cry when he was telling me this part) I once again have no intention of hurting him and apparently that is what I am doing. OUCH! 9. Be more passionate during ML 10. feel sexy and show it 11. put him first and more PDA no matter who is around * ( MY MIL and SIL and my kids ) * I feel like I need to be very **DRY or ** proper when others are present. * I am not saying I am going to do anything graphic but I do need to be more touchy feely* during the day. It is like I am frozen until he sets me off. I need to set him off. 12. He said ~ * I deserve more than this and I want to spend the rest of my life with you , but not like this. This is not what I imagined. ~ So once again I feel bad cause I make him feel like this and it is not my intention to be *frigid* or come off that way. I once in awhile tap on my inner diva who can Ml so beautifully and more often than not I try too hard and the passion gets lost in my trying so hard. So I need to find me and not let go aqnd that is where I struggle.
also he has a hard time letting go even though he wants me to take over and be the dominant one a whole lot more. He fails to truly let go and tries to orchestrate the whole thing. Move like this no not like that and can you go faster. He wants me to flow but he seems to get in my way and then I just get mechanical... I do not go thru him I let him stop me dead in my tracks and then come off robot like.
I need to infuse more Passion In my ML.... and that is where I am failing in his eyes and yes if I would watch us I am sure I would see me more technical than just letting my hair down and really enjoying his body !~ HIM!!!! and myself...
I am really frustrated and I foolishly thought I had worked thru this....... I make him feel ugly and unloved by me not letting go and truly enjoying myself and him.
.............. not taking him and choosing him and initiating..................
So by me not taking him and feeling insecure I am hurting him. How can I infuse myself with confidence and passion and strength...???????????????????????????????? I dunno but I am going to have to work on this.
I am sorry if I make no sense I am just typing as fast as I can to remember what he tried to get thru to me..... this is like a gift to me him opening up like this ,, so as much as it hurts to see I am failing in his eyes I appreciate his honesty and I see now why he is afraid of me. he says I have all the power in my hands and I dont see it and I am not choosing him by my actions and THAT BREAKS MY HEART. I have worked so hard for this and now I see I have to work even harder on me so I am beautiful for him and make him feel the love I have for him................
He even asked me what he was doing wrong that I dont want him... that he felt so ugly next to me..............that he is only here to please me. And even though it seems so exagerative IT IS HIS PERSPECTIVE AND HOW HE FEELS. I tried to soak every word in.
I need to stop feeling so damn weak and insecure even more and really embrace who I am and the beauty in me. I have to stop being so scared of me and him rejecting me.. he is dying for me to take charge and I am frozen by my own choice.
~Wow * this is %^&*()) ...... I dunno the word. But I am blessed with this vulnerabiltity and now I need to change some more and grow some more. I can do it... I just need to prioritize myself and put me first and organize myself. God bless............
Any suggestions / comments are welcome. I feel like I am scared I will never get to where I need to be and I will keep hurting his feelings w/o actively trying to do so. I know this is a Piecing forum and not ML forum but I would really appreciate any suggestions. Love, ~Ali
~wow I was re-reading my first post in this thread. Pretty scary......... of what I used to put up with in a day...
he thinks he is scared I am terrified. I am doing so well on not being codependent anymore but that took me a loooooong time. Can I really get past all the cobwebs in my head and move forward and not stay stagnant? God bless, ~Ali
Well I am here once again posting and I feel very relieved and tired at the same time. I have once again spoken to my husband. He is rerally surprising me and he is being boldy honest. I am amazed at his strength and his vulnerability. He said these things to me.... I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to understand me.... I want you to think real hard about our R and how we can make it better.
( the " we " part amazed me cause yesterday and almost always it has been my fault alone...)
He said I need you to talk about this and tell me what you think will help and what I can do to change too. If you change I will change too. I want you to show me you need me , you want me and you desire me. I never see it or feel it , you just sit there and dont show me anything and it gets me soooo angry and FRUSTRATED. and all I can do is wonder why........... It is so strange but it is af is this was one of the few times when my mind really heard what he said, it hit me like a ton a bricks. I sobbed. I alone have had the power ,cause he loves me really , to let him down when he was waiting for a crumb from me.
I have been working so hard to get thru and was always trying so hard to figure out why he acted the way he did and when we had our conversation earlier today he actauly told me so much.
I can also say I have realized that I was so hard trying to somehow fix me when what was needed for us was for me to grow and allow myself to love him. I did need fixing but even more than tweeking me I needed to just let go and love. When you see children they just love from a pure place, they dont question should I give a hug right now? Should I say I love him? Will he reject me? they just love and run up to you and make you feel thier love. I am / was giving my love from a genuine place but also from a place of fear of not being sure I was "doing " it right. Is there really a right way to love? I dunno? But I need to let my guard down and really do this and let him in. For so long I have been searching for him to be this and he was waiting too, only he did a lot of soul searching in the wrong ways... but anyway .
I am committed to working harder and to keep posting. Most of my posting will be me thinking out loud and just blogging here. I am trying to find a solution a way to get thrhu to my own heart and say to my heart: he really does love you Alicia take the risk dive in head first and love back w/o worry. I think it thru too much and I also am so afraid of him rejecting me that it is safer to stay than to risk. I also have ben trying so hard to get into his heart and tell him how I feel and yet I dunno if I was really doing that somehow I was not reaching him.
I WANNA SEE YOU WITH MY HEART.... FROM THE MOVIE WINN DIXIE
) 
I WAS NO LONGER ME... I WAS LOSING MYSELF WHILE TRYING TO HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE. I looked like I hadnt eaten in weeks and my soul felt depleted. I felt so sad and tired. I would look at my kids and wonder,,, when do I tell them and how can I break their heart like that.
) listener. He let me say all that and I believe he only interupted once.
is all I can say.. he is continuing to surprise me. And I am really working hard at not fixing him and all his feelings and taking ownership only for me and who I am. It makes my day so much more tranquil.