There and Back: finding my feet #9

[SallyM]

yeah, saffie, that's the hardest part, isn't it? not pushing? I've been doing a lot of thinking on that and why I push myself and such. but I also seem to realize my limitations this time around and am doing a better job of accepting them.

okay, on to other news. I have come to realize that one of the hardest things for me to do is to let another person, my h in particular, to own his sadness/pain without trying to take it on myself/fix it. I've talked to my therapist about this a lot over the past couple of months, and I've definitely come a long way, but it far from natural.

for instance, on sunday h called from vegas (he was there on business) and I had just finished shoveling...literally was a puddle on the laundry room floor when he called. he sounded distressed and very very quiet for a bit. he talked to the kids, then I got back on the phone and he was bawling. literally just falling apart. I was surprised, asked what was wrong, he just said he missed the kids.

fast forward to last night. he came over to see the kids and when he got here he came to see me immediately. I was sitting on the playroom floor trying to make heads or tails out of the place, and we talked for a bit, then he just started shaking/crying/sobbing again. turns out he just felt like a total heel/rotten ass for not being here to take care of me/shovel for me. I think its more than the weekend thing...I think he is really coming to terms with his actions over the last year +. I just do not know what to do with the pain...I don't want him to be hurting, as crazy as that sounds. but I now know its for him to deal with, so finally I just held him for a bit. he broke down sobbing over and over again that he was so sorry, for everything, that I will never know how sorry he is for all that he's done, etc, etc, etc. And I guess my progress is that I just held him and said, "thank you for saying that."

so I didn't take his pain from him, I let him have it, but I did what I needed to do and did offer some comfort at the same time.

still, I ache for him. I know that seems twisted after all he has put me thru, but I do.

I talked to him about IC again, and asked if he had found someone. he hasn't yet, but we talked about some stratagies of finding the right person and such, and hopefully he will. His choice/his work to do. that right there, again, is huge for me. last summer I would have been on the computer finding someone for him.

anyway, just wanted to share. its all so hard, isn't it? Figuring this all out. keeping true to who I am while at the same time accepting who he is and letting him be that person, good or bad.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately...some sad anniversaries are coming up. I'm dealing with/processing them, but I am seeing they are likely hard for him, too.

at the same time I am being careful about not letting myself read into these breakdowns he keeps having. I still sooo want the sobbing "I'm sorrys" to mean he is ready to change course and try again. but really, all they are at this point are expressions of regret. nothing more, nothing less.

still, I'll tell you guys, it sure was nice to hear him say that he was sorry, that I didn't deserve any of this. because I didn't. and 6 months ago I kept hearing about all of this was my fault...affair and all. I knew it wasn't my fault (although yes, I do know/acknowledge/accept my issues in the marriage), but still nice to hear from him.

okay, enough babbling. see, I must be feeling better.