Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

[Underdog]

Cagz--I know you have great mentors here and I applaud you for working on the tough issues that face you. Go you!

It's a fine line to walk the path of self analysis and using the information to form some semblance of self awareness vs. self castigation and assessing blame (which you undoubtedly have assigned most to you, would that be correct?). I used to fall into this trap often myself. I would tell myself that I was really happy when I know I wasn't, and then I'd wonder how on earth he could have been so miserable and not talk about it? I'd identify all the red flags and then beat myself up for not pressing the issues when we were living together under the same roof.

Five years later, I still think about this stuff from time to time. I wonder what the truth really was, but in the final determination it really doesn't matter. What mattered is that I showed up to fight the good fight and decided to focus on the things that I could ultimately control or fix. None of them required him to show up, you know? I worked on my control issues and honestly, Meredith, Pam and I held each other accountable for making those changes on a daily basis. Sometimes it was tough to hear their comments, but in the end, I knew that we were doing each other right in the grand scheme of things.

So, right now "the truth" is where you sit at this very moment. Your truth is facing you in the mirror. You can change what you control and nothing else. If you could focus squarely on those issues and commit to changing those things for one purpose and one purpose ONLY--because you WANT to change and not because it's what he or everyone else thinks you should do. I promise you that it's the key to your own happiness, and once you unlock that door, there's no stopping you.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't obtain feedback from others as you go forward. True friends will be honest with you and you'll gain insight as you make those changes. But ultimately, your own self worth hinges on the goals you set for yourself and then holding yourself accountable in meeting them.

One of the things that used to be very prevalent on this BB way back when was the suggestion of making small goals and then recording the data as a means to see if those goals were worthwhile. I honestly wonder why there is not more help nowadays?

For instance, if identifying and supporting your own self worth is truly a goal for yourself, how do you break this rather broad mission down into truly bite-sized and achievable chunks? We can definitely help you here, but I think it would be a beneficial exercise to undertake... I think you might be able to see where you need help and support, where you are already strong and where you need a good dose of a$$ whooping.

One hint:

Yes flaw #1 when I love evidentally I give up what is good for me....

Um, we could start here? It might need to begin with some thoughts on why you place others needs on a pedestal and then give your voice away to the lowest bidder? There are a lot of great boundaries that you could make and we could help you work on strategies to enforce them.

I'd love to hear more about what you feel is good about you! Do share and let's help you focus on the positive. What you focus on expands... so make sure you're focusing on the GOOD in you and everyone else will see it. Maybe not the bozo you married, but why give one person in 100 all the power of the group?

Back to the task I'm working on avoiding!

Betsey

p.s. Meredith, I hope you're feeling better!