Ah I really felt for yuo there...a little bit of honesty crept into your conversation with her and then you had that awful sickening feeling that you had ruined everything! I know how you feel. Its because you feel your life is on a knifes edge right now! Its over...but they still contact you/agree to meet. Its like they dangle themselves tantalisingly inside a glass box in front of you, with a "do not touch" alarm on the outside.
I am so impressed and a little envious you joined the running club, I was supposed to be doing this too ! I chickened out last week (it was one of my goals though !) and then I got ill, so still not done it. Well done yuo ! Are there people your own age to chat to and get to know? Also, I identify with your feelings of loneliness. I have some good friends and my sister who I can call every day, but I dont really have anyone where I live to see, so I spend most days by myself. I've got used to it, but I also worry my life seems a bit empty and sad compared to my BFs! I think in your case, your W is likely to have a lot of female friends and company, as woman do. I would have if we hadnt moved away. But if you manage to make one new friend and drop into conversation that you are meeting so and so for a run, or a beer, or coffee, whatever, it will be a 180 for you. So dont think volume..just one step at a time. Add one new friend to your life as an initial aim?
In the end though, after all your worrying, your W emailed YOU and even said we should go back to MC sooner..well, if it was purely to help you, or to "break up", why would she be so motivated to go back? I cant help seeing yuor sitch in a positive light, she seems committed to the MC and wanted to discuss a few issues outside of it. Did yuo get any pointers in the session to help you pull some drastic 180s?? I havent got a clue what my BFs issues were with me, he claimed not to have any! But I find that a bit hard to believe.
So next time you have that agonising panic, what have I done feeling, remember how bad you felt and then how surprised you were that she wasnt so freaked out, but emailed you anyway. Maybe you can be a tiny tiny bit braver (but, no pressure!) and it wont all collapse like a burning building. This is the point I am at now..I suppose its that thing about monitoring results hey.
Sorry you were in floods of tears. I know you lack a bit of support, but is there anyone you could open up to a bit? Someone in your family? A mates wife? I ended up talking to my aunties for hours on the phone in the weeks after the bomb and they were fantastic. As much as I love them, I normally only ever used to see them at Christmas and at a summer barbeque before! So you never know.
