MLC BS/2?

[Drew]

Patrick,

Want my advice? You might not like it.

[sleeper]

I want to hear it Drew, the suspense is killing me!

[Drew]

Patrick,

You have GOT to stop choosing your actions, or in many cases reactions based on "how you think she'll react" or "what will she think about me if I do this" or "will this hurt us getting back together."

My gawd man, she's got you like a little puppy on a leash, and does she ever enjoy pulling on that leash.

Man up. Find your you-know-whats. You don't have to kick his butt to be a man. Why stoop to his level? Sometimes a strong silent walk away is infinitely more powerful. As a younger man, I ran into a guy who stole my girlfriend, and halfway through sweeping the sidewalk with him, stopped, let him go, and told him, "You know, you're not worth the time it'll take to kick your @$$." And walked away.

And my ex-girlfriend? Trust me, she found out about it.

Start acting and making decisions based on what's good for you.

And yes, this is solution-based.

[Patrick325]

I know what your saying but I have one goal...to save my family...I know I can't let her have the power but I also need to figure out what will help or, at least, facilitate that. I mean, I could just throw caution to the wind and treat the two of them like [censored] (which is what I feel like doing), or I can try to figure out the best way to get her back. I would love to just go about my business and forget this crap, but I have 3 kids and a 17 year marriage to think about.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

We live in the day and age where the actions you want to pursue will hurt you, legally and financially.

You cannot afford it.

OF COURSE YOU FEEL EMASCULATED. Deal with it, honestly are you any less of a man because of this guy?

Tell you what, if this guy kidnapped you wife and held her hostage, then yes, you'd be a whimp. If she was saying rescue me, or save me, I'd tell you to man up and kick his a $$.

Thats not what is happening.
The days of the strongest and most pyhsically capable man being the alpha are over. She isn't going to appreciate or fawn all over you if you beat him down, more than likely her name is going to appear on a police report filed against you.

Weather the storm, as long as you can.

Are you better than this POS? Sadly you prove that by ignore them.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I can try to figure out the best way to get her back.

Yup, you can try to figure that out, or maybe listen to some of the posters here. And tricks are not the way.

I have one goal...to save my family

You fix yourself to fix your marriage. The only person saying 'save' round your parts is...you.

[Drew]

Patrick,

Listen to Jack.

BTW, I have three kids and a 17 year marriage.

[Punktmann]

Patrick, almost everyone here has dealt with infidelity.

That doesn't make anyone special, but it should get your attention that in this area, almost everyone here knows exactly how unbelievably hurt, angry, and vengeful you feel.

We are not posting as armchair quarterbacks, but as your teammate on the other end of the obstacle course cheering you through the next one. We just got through that one, and we want you to get through it too.


I'm not an expert on DBing, but I know a lot about this. (Pretend I am a podiatrist talking to you about your feet.)

Jack wrote,

We live in the day and age where the actions you want to pursue will hurt you, legally and financially.

You cannot imagine the legal, financial, and social ramifications this would have for you and your kids.

You simply can't unless you've been there.

The good old days of whipping someone's a$$ because they deserve it is OVER.

Let me put it in a modern cliche', (not sarcastic here.)

Your 2cents worth.....2 cents

Your kicking his ass.....feels great

Your ability to know exactly how much damage you are doing, and when to stop.....Darn near impossible



You commiting un-needed physical violence in front of your W.
The enormous damage to your M, if not total.
You giving her ammunition that you are "a violent and an unsuitable parent" at possible divorce proceedings.
The enabling factor of giving your W something to feel sorry for OM, fix, enable, and coo over the OM.

You comitting physical violence in front of your kids.
The psychological damage to your Ds of learning that's the kind of man dad is.

A rough or violent arrest by cops who are apprehensive about your capacity for violence.

The shame of being booked into a county jail like a common street thug.
The several days spent in a county jail with people MUCH more violent than you, who take very seriously the alpha male pecking order, and worse.

The shame of calling someone to bail you out.

The appearance in court before a judge, and the realization that you are no better than the common street thugs who are trying to extinguish the light of civilization in favor of "do what feels good to ME."
The extensive costs of a legal defense so that you will get less jail or prison time.

The possibility of prison time, different and much more violent and predatory than jail time.

The loss of your job because you are in jail and or prison. And not at work.

Explaining to potential employers why you were fired.

A felony conviction and a criminal history.

The shame to your father's name.

Priceless.


I'm not trying to be a smart ass, but this is NOT an option.

If you are assaulted, defend yourself until you and your family are safe, and STOP.

I think that unlikely though, or it would have already happened.


I have one goal...to save my family...

The advice you are getting is aimed at that, and that alone. Read other people's threads too, and study their actions, reactions, and transitions.

I know I can't let her have the power but I also need to figure out what will help or, at least, facilitate that. I mean, I could just throw caution to the wind and treat the two of them like [censored] (which is what I feel like doing), or I can try to figure out the best way to get her back.

She HAS the power. She has the power to destroy. As sleeper wrote,

"He (she) that can destroy a thing controls a thing" Muad'Dib

You do not have the power to snap your fingers and make this over and fixed.

But do not underestimate this.

You DO have the power to change yourself so that you will be an attractive alternative to this mess. As she comes out of this, will a violent, insulting man who uses cutting and biting remarks, digs, and insults be attractive to her?

More importantly, is that the man you want your daughters to see you as, and look for men like that when they grow up?

That doesn't sound like you.



I would love to just go about my business and forget this crap, but I have 3 kids and a 17 year marriage to think about.

Right now you are focusing on your loss. It is an overwhelming loss. It is nearly impossible not to do that, but you can.

I HATE the saying "It get's easier with time," but it does.

Controlling your anger and frustration around your W and kids is the most important thing you can do.



BTW, I still think of how much I'd like to kick the OM's a$$ sometimes, but I actively push those thoughts out of my head, b/c they aren't helping me treat her with lovingkindness.

Kindness could win her back.

But violence, anger, cutting remarks, and hateful replies will drive her further away as she comes out of this. It's long term damage.


BTW, you are doing well in a lot of ways, but many posts focus on "DON'T DO THAT!!!!" simply b/c some of us did "that" and found out what a mistake it was.

As you move along, you will see more and more posts about Yes, do that.


Best,

Punkt

[Drew]

Great post, Punkt.

-Drew

[Patrick325]

That is some good advice...it's weird how you can start to feel like it's all falling apart and you are doing everything wrong and how these posts can change your perception. But you go through cycles of these feelings and every time you think you have it kicked it turns back around on you. Thanks for helping see some daylight...it has been getting mighty dark lately!