I'm in a good place this morning. I'm not sure why, but I feel really peaceful and that everything will be ok. I'm just not sure what ok will look like. Oddly, I have more hope this morning than I did yesterday.
The "talk": I said I was surprised by what H had told D's re his move (that it was to expedite his commute and he'd be home on the weekends as opposed to marital seperation). I went on to say I didn't know he had changed his mind on our marital status and asked if I had this correct. The answer was no, he hadn't changed his mind. That this deception was all my idea and that he didn't like it from the start. I wouldn't accept the blame for it. Yes, I was the one that suggested we live as a family so our D's would have him (also to give us time). He bought into it. His rational last night was so that I would see the error of my ways. I said that I thought (and still do) that we can co-parent our D's positively as as friends. ne of the issues as I saw it was that he had given "speach" about being friends and he was the one that couldn't be. Being friends required him to talk honestly to me about things in general and our D's specifically. That I saw him as still angry with me and not dealing with it. He said he wasn't that angry with me anymore. Can we say ...BS? We talked again about what to say to D's. His words were to tell them we're "trying" a seperation. I carded him on the trying part. I said we had to be real and what did he want to do. I offered him time to think about it. I was honest and calm. he said it ws good to see me angry. I said I wasn't really angry, that I was working on ways to deal with any anger I had. Alot was said.....mostly by me. I encouraged him to talk and let him know I am his friend and that he could call and talk to me always. I told him I hadn't changed my mind either and that this wasn't what I wanted and I wouldn't help with it. We talked about so of the issues involved in all of this. Alot more to cover. At one point I said I didn't hate him and he came back with nobody could hate him as much as he hated himself. I told him he was a good Father and a good man and I'd take anybody out that said differently. To which he replied I have to take him out.
Yes, I even threw in MLC and C for him b/c of his anger. There's no money was the response. I just told him it's something to think about.
It's sad to see him so lost. I think shame plays a big part in his inability to go back once he's made a decision. I brought this into the convo by relating it to someone else who really screwed up parts of their life b/c of this.
We are going to talk to D's Friday night (latest plan). He's done, the best I can do is to help them.
For those of you who know the story "The Oddkins", I see myself as Amos (the bear). He wears the letters alpha and omega on the front of his sweater. This is b/c he is the first to turn and face danger and the last to run.
