I'm in a good place this morning. I'm not sure why, but I feel really peaceful and that everything will be ok. I'm just not sure what ok will look like. Oddly, I have more hope this morning than I did yesterday.
The "talk": I said I was surprised by what H had told D's re his move (that it was to expedite his commute and he'd be home on the weekends as opposed to marital seperation). I went on to say I didn't know he had changed his mind on our marital status and asked if I had this correct. The answer was no, he hadn't changed his mind. That this deception was all my idea and that he didn't like it from the start. I wouldn't accept the blame for it. Yes, I was the one that suggested we live as a family so our D's would have him (also to give us time). He bought into it. His rational last night was so that I would see the error of my ways. I said that I thought (and still do) that we can co-parent our D's positively as as friends. ne of the issues as I saw it was that he had given "speach" about being friends and he was the one that couldn't be. Being friends required him to talk honestly to me about things in general and our D's specifically. That I saw him as still angry with me and not dealing with it. He said he wasn't that angry with me anymore. Can we say ...BS? We talked again about what to say to D's. His words were to tell them we're "trying" a seperation. I carded him on the trying part. I said we had to be real and what did he want to do. I offered him time to think about it. I was honest and calm. he said it ws good to see me angry. I said I wasn't really angry, that I was working on ways to deal with any anger I had. Alot was said.....mostly by me. I encouraged him to talk and let him know I am his friend and that he could call and talk to me always. I told him I hadn't changed my mind either and that this wasn't what I wanted and I wouldn't help with it. We talked about so of the issues involved in all of this. Alot more to cover. At one point I said I didn't hate him and he came back with nobody could hate him as much as he hated himself. I told him he was a good Father and a good man and I'd take anybody out that said differently. To which he replied I have to take him out.
Yes, I even threw in MLC and C for him b/c of his anger. There's no money was the response. I just told him it's something to think about.
It's sad to see him so lost. I think shame plays a big part in his inability to go back once he's made a decision. I brought this into the convo by relating it to someone else who really screwed up parts of their life b/c of this.
We are going to talk to D's Friday night (latest plan). He's done, the best I can do is to help them.
For those of you who know the story "The Oddkins", I see myself as Amos (the bear). He wears the letters alpha and omega on the front of his sweater. This is b/c he is the first to turn and face danger and the last to run.
I have more hope this morning than I did yesterday.
God is good.
Hold on to this, you said today, mamma. You may need it another day.
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The "talk": I said I was surprised by what H had told D's re his move (that it was to expedite his commute and he'd be home on the weekends as opposed to marital seperation).
Oh that speech. Hmmm My babies heard it too. I will tell you, that telling them that was not the truth, later on, was hard on them.
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His rational last night was so that I would see the error of my ways.
You are brilliant. I would not notice these things, till now. 2 years later. Niiice, the dad role, that try to pull with you isn't it? Glad you are so on top of things Ginger. Trust me this will help you so much in the long run.
You didn't let it get a rise out of you. Perfect.
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I carded him on the trying part. I said we had to be real and what did he want to do. I offered him time to think about it. I was honest and calm.
Ginger, i am so with you on this.
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It's sad to see him so lost. I think shame plays a big part in his inability to go back once he's made a decision. I brought this into the convo by relating it to someone else who really screwed up parts of their life b/c of this.
I am glad you spoke up. I know Dbing is against this, but sometimes we have to be real, and just tell the truth.
I will tell you what. I tried to be friends with Javier, but no it was not the time. I don't think your H is ready for the friendhsip you need to have with him
It will be a while. But I do believe it will come. It might be sooner than later for you, b/c you are calm cool and collected, and not throwing spanish curses at him
The talk with the children, is also something very personal. Pray about it, and have faith in your parenting.
I have been blessed that I have the talks with M&M by myself. I hated it at first. But Javier was so out there, that it would of been awful.
You and your H, at least speak to each other nicely, and don't want to stab each other soo , I have so much faith it will be ok
Love them dearly those babies. Iknow you do.
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This is b/c he is the first to turn and face danger and the last to run.
I'm not running.
HUGS dear heart.
We are all behind you. Praying.
Last edited by Lissie; 02/27/0802:05 PM.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
I didn't get upset at all which kind of shocked me. I practiced all afternoon (thanks Jack )with how I would open the convo (in the mirror when I could) and went over things I wanted to say. Of course, during the convo I ad libed and said things that are not considered good DBing.
I did not go into this convo with the hopes of salvaging anything for myself except my self respect. I am surprised at how I feel today and I don't understand why. I will think and pray on this. All I can say is I feel that I am being watched over in a spectacular fashion. My sense of calm astounds me.
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It will be a while. But I do believe it will come. It might be sooner than later for you, b/c you are calm cool and collected, and not throwing spanish curses at him
I don't know that it will come for him. He is so closed off. Maybe in my case Spanish curses would have helped.
One of the things that my DB coach shared with me is that sometimes when there's alot of arguing etc b/c of the passion involved there's a better chance than M's like mine. We didn't argue and I was his anger, he was my fear. I'm not afraid anymore. There is nothing else he can do to me that will put me back there. I've lost him. I no longer have to be afraid. I just have to look at my feet.
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You and your H, at least speak to each other nicely, and don't want to stab each other soo ,
He doesn't really talk at all. I'm the one that is nice. I told him last night that I expected him to talk to me and would card him (privately) about it. While I can't speak for him... there have been times when I want to physically beat him. Now there's restraint.
Where do you get your strength from? You are amazing women that is going to make someone very happy some day. Some one is testing you now but only because they know you can bare this cross. You know all that matters is the kids and the truth and you are sticking by that. I think this separation is going to be good for you. He is off the rails man. Maybe he will come out of the fog soon but maybe he will not and you have to decide how long you want to take this crap. Knowing you a long time.
Remember, you are wonderful. Why don’t you go back to that same mirror and tell yourself that 10 times, For me please.
I am surprised at how I feel today and I don't understand why. I will think and pray on this. All I can say is I feel that I am being watched over in a spectacular fashion. My sense of calm astounds me.
I think this says alot about the "work" you've been doing on yourself over the last few months. It's paying off. You know you can handle anything.
I have a feeling that his moving out will be good for your r in the long run. Your h sounds alot like mine- with his self-hatred and inability to talk/argue. When he's off by himself, he will have time and space to find out what the real problem is (and we all know it's not you). Hugs...
When he's off by himself, he will have time and space to find out what the real problem is (and we all know it's not you).
Grace, I agree with new. Let him ramble off on his own now while you just concentrate on you and your girls.
Your strength is amazing! I think this will bring your own growth to a whole new level.
You were asking about Ls on your last thread. I was thinking about that myself yesterday since I now feel like my H is getting his ducks in a row. The fact that my H is a L (not family law), makes it kind of tricky for me. And I don't have any friends who are separated or divorced for me to ask (and I guess I wouldn't ask any friends anyway right now since nobody knows about my sitch). I was also starting to think about trying to find a family C to talk to so that I can get my ducks in a row about how to talk to kids, if that time comes for me. Then I put those two ideas together and thought maybe a famuly C (who is pro-marriage and solution-oriented) may have ideas for Ls that would work with pro-marriage and solution-oriented situations.
Aren't D laws state-wide so that you can talk to one of those "free consultation" Ls from a different county and the info would still apply in your county? Are you sure that Ls can't practice across county lines in CA?
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Grace You do sound strong its so weird how these MLC can be aware of their self hatred, yet at the same time still think they can find happiness if only they can get away from us makes no sense self esteem happiness and peace comes from within-and from following gods will( I believe) peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Grace, After I read your newest stitch This song came to mind..... Your already doing it
Hold your head up.
And if it's bad Don't let it get you down, you can take it And if it hurts Don't let them see you cry, you can take it
Hold your head up, hold your head up Hold your head up, hold your head high
And if they stare Just let them burn their eyes on you moving And if they shout Don't let them change a thing what you're doing
Hold your head up, hold your head up Hold your head up, hold your head high
Peace and Hugs
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
It is and is not me. I have my own "stuff" to own, but regardless, even if I was the "perfect" wife (do they exist?) I could not have prevented this.
NG,
Sadly these L's tell me they do not practive in my county. I have gotten a referal from a friend of mine. After last night I think I will let him do what he needs to and be patient.
Peace,
It is wierd that H even says he's not sure that getting away from me will make him happy (of course he want to see though). He is insightful enough to know he is broken. What he does about it is up to him.
Gman,
If I do nothing else, I will hold my head up.
I think he was surprised to hear that I was not backing down even after I initiated last nights convo. Initially, I think he thought I was going to say let's do this as quickly and cheaply as possible (which, I intended to do). Somewhere in the convo I was lead in a different direction. I was surprised to hear myself say that I didn't want this and I wouldn't help. I know we all talk about that here, but I did not plan on going in that direction when I spoke with him. I was done. While I know he still is. I feel compelled to stand my ground in a way that I was ready to relinquish yesterday.
We'll see what happens. It's kind of a popcorn moment, you know? Like in the movies when you get to the part wher you can't wait to see how it ends and if you have popcorn the suspense can make you keep eating it kind of automatically.
