H - just a quick question for you, are you 100% clear on what it is that you want?
I'm just asking because going from "Let's discuss a D" to "We need to separate" to "You're free to leave if you want" (with no further discussion) to "let's go to Retro once you find a job" - it seems like you're kinda all over the place. The only thing I see that's consistent is that you want some kind of change, which makes sense, but are you clear on what it is that you want to be different?
Do you want to know what's going on in her mind to get an idea of where she stands on the M?
Hey Husband, I thought your conversation went very well. I just wanted to add something to NikB's earlier thoughts. As much as you are confused about what you want(see above), your W is probably just as confused with her own feelings as well as with your actions. I know in my case I thought my message was always consistent. I wanted to make the marriage work. But, my actions were not always in line with that. She was confused, I was confused and we were confusing each other.
Also, there was mention of OG not being the issue. This was mentioned at just about every R discussion I had with W before we began patching things up. Yes, I understand that initially the OG or OW is not the issue. There are underlying issues with the marriage that result in the OG or OW coming into the picture. But once that happens, OG/OW is very much an issue and will be until they are removed completely from the picture. I very clearly remember our conversation at the point where she made the decision to really work on things. She did admit that OG had been the problem with her being able to have any desire to work on the M. How can a spouse make a rational decision about fixing a marriage when they are heavily involved with another person? How can H be the right man if W is / was in love with OG? That is what is weighing heavily on her mind now.
Let her know through your words and actions that you want to work on the marriage. That you will be the stable, reliable, consistent person in her life. Get to Retro. Let her know that it is nothing like couseling. It sounds like neither of you had much luck with that avenue. My personal experience with counseling was also less than ideal and several times very negative. Retro is about communication and decisions.
