I was furious when I found out that my W took the kids and introduced them to the OM and showed physical affection with him. To me that was the last straw and was my primary reason for filing for a D. Demonstrating promiscuous behavior in front of the kids sets a very bad example.
However, as W had been out of the house for a while, I felt that the kids needed to spend time with both a mother and father. Since it seemed that our M was headed for a D, I caved in and we worked out a shared parenting plan. I also had a good talk with the OM and found out that I actually liked him and that he was good around kids. My W was very happy that I made this decision to allow for the sharing of time with the kids as she missed them so very much. I could have been an ass and went for full custody, but would that have been in the best interest of the kids? Also, I would not be where I am today with the possiblity of my W coming back to our M.
I just figured that if we were going to get a D, there was no way I could control what W does with the kids and who she introduces them to. I saw the same thing when my parents divorced because of an A my mother had. My father told her that she was never to have us see the OM. However, as my father started to date, he realized that he was being a hypocrite because we were present around his dates, so he too told our mother that it was ok for us to be around OM (who became my step father).
I am telling this to you because if your M goes to a D or legal seperation, I dont know that there is really anyway you can do to prevent your W from having your D around guys she is dating. Unless you go for something serious where you have full custody and she only gets supervised visits with D. That is possible with you W's behavior, however, do you want that?
I guess the difference between your situation and mine is that the OM is a loser that is much younger than your W and will probably end up dumping her in short time anyway. In my case, the OM has a very nice home, is old (67) and has raised his own kids to be successful adults.
As for your R with your W, I dont know what to say. She sounds so lost and lacking in confidence. I just want you to know that from all of your writings, you sound like a well adjusted man and your W should consider herself lucky to be married to you. Maybe a small portion of your M problem is your fault, but I think most of the blame can be layed on some mental condition your W has. I think it is best to go as dark as you can with her for some time. It is so hard doing this with your D.
You probably should consider talking to a lawyer about what to do for a legal seperation and custody if she goes the route of having OM move in.
