I realize it may not be about the sex. I just find it funny (in a dark and twisted kind of way) b/c I was the one who always wanted sex, not him. Could be he needs to feel needed and appreciated in a way he didn't get here. He isn't a talker so he leaves you guessing (always has) as to what he needs or would like.
Oh, the Irony! Same thing with me. I wanted and enjoyed sex, she never initiated, and often declined. She always enjoyed it when we made love. We talked about it. I never understood why she didn't want to do it, more often.
I am no expert on the topic. There is a forum here for the sex-starved marriage, maybe there is good insight there. But, ... I've done some reading. The way I understand it now, the difference in desire can lead to or catalyze feelings of inadequacy. Which can lead to distance. Which opens the door to an affair.
In my wife's situation, I don't think the sex was fulfilling at all. In the early days, after I found out about it, she was forthcoming, she used to discuss it with me. This was before she developed her suspicion of me, and I felt she was being honest in those days. I was concerned about the risk of pregnancy. She told me "he never came." What?!? What kind of affair is that? She explained further that he couldn't keep it up. He didn't have staying power. How ugly a thought that was in my head. I kept thinking - why the hell would you want sex with a someone like that? (I never had such problems)
So it seemed to me it was not about the sex, for my alien. It was about the rebellion, the secrecy, the flouting of rules, the breaking of taboos.
For me, sex was never like that. Good sex was just good sex, pure and natural, an expression of love and intimacy between two adults. How silly of me!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
