MLC BS/2?

[Punktmann]

Patrick, almost everyone here has dealt with infidelity.

That doesn't make anyone special, but it should get your attention that in this area, almost everyone here knows exactly how unbelievably hurt, angry, and vengeful you feel.

We are not posting as armchair quarterbacks, but as your teammate on the other end of the obstacle course cheering you through the next one. We just got through that one, and we want you to get through it too.


I'm not an expert on DBing, but I know a lot about this. (Pretend I am a podiatrist talking to you about your feet.)

Jack wrote,

We live in the day and age where the actions you want to pursue will hurt you, legally and financially.

You cannot imagine the legal, financial, and social ramifications this would have for you and your kids.

You simply can't unless you've been there.

The good old days of whipping someone's a$$ because they deserve it is OVER.

Let me put it in a modern cliche', (not sarcastic here.)

Your 2cents worth.....2 cents

Your kicking his ass.....feels great

Your ability to know exactly how much damage you are doing, and when to stop.....Darn near impossible



You commiting un-needed physical violence in front of your W.
The enormous damage to your M, if not total.
You giving her ammunition that you are "a violent and an unsuitable parent" at possible divorce proceedings.
The enabling factor of giving your W something to feel sorry for OM, fix, enable, and coo over the OM.

You comitting physical violence in front of your kids.
The psychological damage to your Ds of learning that's the kind of man dad is.

A rough or violent arrest by cops who are apprehensive about your capacity for violence.

The shame of being booked into a county jail like a common street thug.
The several days spent in a county jail with people MUCH more violent than you, who take very seriously the alpha male pecking order, and worse.

The shame of calling someone to bail you out.

The appearance in court before a judge, and the realization that you are no better than the common street thugs who are trying to extinguish the light of civilization in favor of "do what feels good to ME."
The extensive costs of a legal defense so that you will get less jail or prison time.

The possibility of prison time, different and much more violent and predatory than jail time.

The loss of your job because you are in jail and or prison. And not at work.

Explaining to potential employers why you were fired.

A felony conviction and a criminal history.

The shame to your father's name.

Priceless.


I'm not trying to be a smart ass, but this is NOT an option.

If you are assaulted, defend yourself until you and your family are safe, and STOP.

I think that unlikely though, or it would have already happened.


I have one goal...to save my family...

The advice you are getting is aimed at that, and that alone. Read other people's threads too, and study their actions, reactions, and transitions.

I know I can't let her have the power but I also need to figure out what will help or, at least, facilitate that. I mean, I could just throw caution to the wind and treat the two of them like [censored] (which is what I feel like doing), or I can try to figure out the best way to get her back.

She HAS the power. She has the power to destroy. As sleeper wrote,

"He (she) that can destroy a thing controls a thing" Muad'Dib

You do not have the power to snap your fingers and make this over and fixed.

But do not underestimate this.

You DO have the power to change yourself so that you will be an attractive alternative to this mess. As she comes out of this, will a violent, insulting man who uses cutting and biting remarks, digs, and insults be attractive to her?

More importantly, is that the man you want your daughters to see you as, and look for men like that when they grow up?

That doesn't sound like you.



I would love to just go about my business and forget this crap, but I have 3 kids and a 17 year marriage to think about.

Right now you are focusing on your loss. It is an overwhelming loss. It is nearly impossible not to do that, but you can.

I HATE the saying "It get's easier with time," but it does.

Controlling your anger and frustration around your W and kids is the most important thing you can do.



BTW, I still think of how much I'd like to kick the OM's a$$ sometimes, but I actively push those thoughts out of my head, b/c they aren't helping me treat her with lovingkindness.

Kindness could win her back.

But violence, anger, cutting remarks, and hateful replies will drive her further away as she comes out of this. It's long term damage.


BTW, you are doing well in a lot of ways, but many posts focus on "DON'T DO THAT!!!!" simply b/c some of us did "that" and found out what a mistake it was.

As you move along, you will see more and more posts about Yes, do that.


Best,

Punkt