I agree that the OM does not belong around D. I express months ago that I didn't want H's EA1 to have any part of our Ds' lives and he has respected that. Hopefully your W will get some brain cells firing long enough to do the same.
So you screwed up and brought it up at the wrong time. Your W will probably withdraw for awhile. Given her history, I don't think it will be for too long. Although she wants time to herself, I don't think she has it in her to take care of herself.
I agree that the OM does not belong around D. I express months ago that I didn't want H's EA1 to have any part of our Ds' lives and he has respected that. Hopefully your W will get some brain cells firing long enough to do the same.
I don't think W has a clue at all - She took it as a direct attack on herself, and felt that I was trying to control her and her life.
Originally Posted By: lizzy
So you screwed up and brought it up at the wrong time. Your W will probably withdraw for awhile. Given her history, I don't think it will be for too long. Although she wants time to herself, I don't think she has it in her to take care of herself.
She is really hurting tonight - There was stuff on her mind before we started to talk tonight, particularly concerning losing D. We were talking about vacations, and she was concerned that I was going to 'run off' with D if I took her out of town on my own. At first I sort of laughed it off, but I could see that W was dead serious. I think she is feeling really, really unloved right now, and D is the only person that shows her love without putting pressure on her.
From a more practical perspective, her moods have REALLY been up and down lately - I'd say the last 4-6 weeks she has been all over the place. I asked her tonight if she had made an appointment with a psychiatrist, and she again took it as an attack. I've not seen her as out of control emotionally in a long time - Probably four months or so.
We'll see if she comes around again - We talked a little on IM earlier after I got home, but I'm just going to leave her alone for now. I don't think she has any capacity to deal with much anymore.
I was furious when I found out that my W took the kids and introduced them to the OM and showed physical affection with him. To me that was the last straw and was my primary reason for filing for a D. Demonstrating promiscuous behavior in front of the kids sets a very bad example.
However, as W had been out of the house for a while, I felt that the kids needed to spend time with both a mother and father. Since it seemed that our M was headed for a D, I caved in and we worked out a shared parenting plan. I also had a good talk with the OM and found out that I actually liked him and that he was good around kids. My W was very happy that I made this decision to allow for the sharing of time with the kids as she missed them so very much. I could have been an ass and went for full custody, but would that have been in the best interest of the kids? Also, I would not be where I am today with the possiblity of my W coming back to our M.
I just figured that if we were going to get a D, there was no way I could control what W does with the kids and who she introduces them to. I saw the same thing when my parents divorced because of an A my mother had. My father told her that she was never to have us see the OM. However, as my father started to date, he realized that he was being a hypocrite because we were present around his dates, so he too told our mother that it was ok for us to be around OM (who became my step father).
I am telling this to you because if your M goes to a D or legal seperation, I dont know that there is really anyway you can do to prevent your W from having your D around guys she is dating. Unless you go for something serious where you have full custody and she only gets supervised visits with D. That is possible with you W's behavior, however, do you want that?
I guess the difference between your situation and mine is that the OM is a loser that is much younger than your W and will probably end up dumping her in short time anyway. In my case, the OM has a very nice home, is old (67) and has raised his own kids to be successful adults.
As for your R with your W, I dont know what to say. She sounds so lost and lacking in confidence. I just want you to know that from all of your writings, you sound like a well adjusted man and your W should consider herself lucky to be married to you. Maybe a small portion of your M problem is your fault, but I think most of the blame can be layed on some mental condition your W has. I think it is best to go as dark as you can with her for some time. It is so hard doing this with your D.
You probably should consider talking to a lawyer about what to do for a legal seperation and custody if she goes the route of having OM move in.
As usual I'm at a loss. It's my opinion that you shouldn't believe what you hear about "your changes" or lack thereof. If you are satisfied with who you are, then no reason to go overboard proving your someone you're not.
What do you do to GAL? It sounds like every minute that you aren't at work is with her. Do you have even one single evening that's just you? Is this what life will be with her...one devoted entirely to trying to make her happy when she doesn't choose to be? To avoiding disagreements? You stated your points about OM and they were valid. If she has a problem with that then it's her problem and not yours. Even if you were happily married the amount of effort you put towards her doesn't make sense. You don't have to go dark, but you might want to take a step back. At least pick a couple days a week where you have a planned activity that does not allow for you to grab dinner together, etc. You might be in this for the long haul. You might want to find something that recharges your batteries.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
As for your R with your W, I dont know what to say. She sounds so lost and lacking in confidence. I just want you to know that from all of your writings, you sound like a well adjusted man and your W should consider herself lucky to be married to you. Maybe a small portion of your M problem is your fault, but I think most of the blame can be layed on some mental condition your W has. I think it is best to go as dark as you can with her for some time. It is so hard doing this with your D.
Well, I do have my fair share of problems - I'm not going to push this all back on my W. My W has a real difficulty with feeling unloved. Even last night she told me that she didn't really feel loved, just needed. Not specific to me - Been that way with all of her R's.
I can't put my finger on her real issue - Hopefully her therapist can help her work through it, but I really believe she needs medication to help her with the day to day. It doesn't seem like she has made any progress in the last 7 months in dealing with anything between us. Her way of dealing with it is to just run away and not face it.
I'm at home today, and W hasn't been on IM at all today. I don't even know if she made it to work.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
You probably should consider talking to a lawyer about what to do for a legal separation and custody if she goes the route of having OM move in.
Yeah - I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Last time I talked to W, I told her I'd rather try to deal with it without having to spend money on a lawyer, and she said she'd see how things go. I don't get why she is so afraid of me taking D away all of a sudden - Makes no sense to me.
What do you do to GAL? It sounds like every minute that you aren't at work is with her. Do you have even one single evening that's just you?
Recently I've just been working on stuff at my house and occasionally doing stuff with friends. The weather is horrible, and there doesn't seem to be too much to do that catches my interest.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
Is this what life will be with her...one devoted entirely to trying to make her happy when she doesn't choose to be? To avoiding disagreements? You stated your points about OM and they were valid. If she has a problem with that then it's her problem and not yours. Even if you were happily married the amount of effort you put towards her doesn't make sense.
Honestly, going back even before we were married, my W had lots of ups and downs. I initially just wrote them off (as you do), as being down to us trying to integrate our lives and dealing with the day to day 'living together' stuff. Pretty much a good chuck of our R has been me trying to 'smooth things over'. I wouldn't go as far as to say she doesn't choose to be happy, but she really has no idea how to be happy. This isn't something new - She has talked about feeling unfulfilled and has made numerous comments about suicide. I doubt she wouldn't do anything now we have D, but you never know.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
You don't have to go dark, but you might want to take a step back. At least pick a couple days a week where you have a planned activity that does not allow for you to grab dinner together, etc. You might be in this for the long haul. You might want to find something that recharges your batteries.
I agree - I'm going to try to setup some evenings out with friends on regular week days to break this stupid cycle we're in. Going dark never seems to work out too well, but I'm going to leave contact in W's court for now.
Well, today was a strange day - I didn't sleep much last night, so I ended up 'working from home' today. That means I sat on my couch, watching TV, while I did some stuff at the office. Probably more productive than my days when I'm actually in the office, but that's besides the point.
I ended up talking to a friend that I used to work with this morning, and she invited me out for lunch. She knew W pretty well, and we would get together a lot for dinner and stuff a long time ago. We talked for maybe an hour and a half or so - She knows all the details of my R with W and what is going on. It was really refreshing to talk to someone about it, and my whole afternoon was much brighter having had that interaction. She pretty much slammed W for being so flaky and told me that I needed to stop being so nice and putting up with W's crap. In part I agree - W really needs to have to deal with her own problems, rather than having me try to clean up the mess.
I picked D up from daycare and she didn't have any of her stuff with her. I didn't have much choice but to call W, since D wouldn't sleep if she didn't have 'Piggy'. W answered her home phone and said we could come over and pick the stuff up. W hadn't gone to work either, and she had made no effort with herself today - Didn't do her hair, no makeup and crappy clothes. She had stuff for D ready to go, so we took it all out to the car. I asked W if she was okay, and she just said 'yes'. She would barely even have a conversation with me, which I guess is to be expected. When we were in the house, she did say that she would come over sometime to help me work on the house (mostly painting), and when she put D in the car she said she might see her tomorrow - Not normally her night, but we've sometimes gone together to take D for fast food on Thursday.
Random things
1) W has not been on IM all day long. No idea why. The fact that she missed work also is curious. Probably some crap with OM. She's missed three days of work in four years and two of them have been in the last three weeks. Normally she'd not even take off work if she was coughing up a lung.
2) She went to Staples and bought one of those $30 divorce kits. Probably in reference to my comment last night about how I didn't want to waste money on lawyers.
3) When I called her to go and pick up D's stuff, I felt REALLY sick driving to her house. I had no desire at all to have anything to do with her right now. I was feeling kind of detached today until I saw her again - My natural instinct with W is to try and 'fix her', which obviously isn't going to work out too well.
She is obviously really down at the moment. She has a C appt tomorrow, so we'll see what happens after that. We have her birthday gathering scheduled for Sunday afternoon, so who knows how that will work out...
2) She went to Staples and bought one of those $30 divorce kits. Probably in reference to my comment last night about how I didn't want to waste money on lawyers.
She probably does not realize that she could get the same forms for free from the county court house. Also, it is not wise to do a "do it yourself divorce" when there is considerable assets and children involved. It could get thrown out after everything is done for a technicality. I am sure you probably already know that if your situation goes to a D that you will want to use a lawyer.
This is what I get from my W today - Not sure what to do, other than just go dark for the time being. She is obviously really hurt right now. How do I show her that I'm not trying to control her (and, tbh, I really didn't realize that I was, or if I really am).
(11:04:40 AM) W: I don't remember whose weekend it is, but I was planning on taking her this weekend (11:04:48 AM) W: I was going to take her to Chuck E. Cheese (11:05:06 AM) M: oh, ok (11:05:27 AM) M: we can make it your weekend if you like (11:05:42 AM) W: the weekends have been mixed lately, I know (11:06:01 AM) W: and I figure you'll need the break with her having a cold (11:06:35 AM) M: I really don't mind either way (11:06:49 AM) M: did you want me to come to chuck e cheese too, or were you going on your own? (11:07:02 AM) W: I'm going on my own (11:07:06 AM) M: ok (11:07:55 AM) M: did you not want us to do stuff with D together anymore? (11:10:49 AM) W: at least for right now (11:11:48 AM) M: okay (11:11:51 AM) M: it's up to you (11:15:34 AM) W: I don't think you have a lot of respect for me (11:15:47 AM) W: you seem to want to control me or to manipulate me (11:15:54 AM) W: and it makes me very unhappy (11:15:59 AM) M: I don't want that at all (11:16:15 AM) M: I certainly don't want you to feel controlled by me (11:17:53 AM) W: and I don't want to be controlled
