Listen to the advice you are getting about dropping the rope, etc. I can echo what Bomb. and others are saying. It's a long road to get to that point, but you must get there. Save yourself, for it is the only thing you can rely on in the end. Spouses, jobs, family, friends, etc. are nice and they are important, but use this time to get to know yourself, fix what needs fixing, and live for you--GAL is the mantra on these boards, but I tell you it is essential to do. It will come for you like it came for all of us, and you will likely backslide even after it comes, but I've started to believe that is OK too.
You might try some books by Pema Chodron. She's a Buddhist nun who writes great stuff about living in the now, not the past, not the future. Now. She wisely advises us to face the pain of now, rather than trying to medicate or deny it. Only then can real growth and transformation take place. I've been there. Still working on it, but I read her often when I need to push through regrets I have about the past or when I need to wrestle with some hurt right now. Stretch yourself, Purr. You will like what you see. Maybe not at first; it's hard work, but the reward of growth in terms of a new outlook on yourself and life makes the hell of MLC somewhat redemptive. At least for me, the key has been trying to find something positive (new outlook, insight, hobbies) to come of all this suffering we're going through.
Live now, and go forward. Try to minimize thinking about what you said/did yesterday, last week, or five years ago.
