Today was our last MC appointment with this MC. H moves to Iowa for his job Sunday evening. He is looking for us an MC up there but I am sure it will be at least a month or more since he hasn't even started his job yet. Plus I am down here still so to coordinate an appointment would be hard.
We ended the last MC session last week with the decision we would have to separate since I wanted more and he couldn't/wouldn't give it. MC asked how things were going this week, said there was a clear difference in the "vibe" we were giving off today. I explained in brief how Saturday sucked until H sent me the TMs. How I then felt like I had some insight into his problems. How the sermon at church Sunday was basically meant for us to hear. Told her I am more relaxed as H's opening up gives me reason to want to be patient with our M and not so demanding. She asked H how he felt then, and he said pretty much the same as me!
She asked if he noticed I had been backing off for a couple days and trying to be more patient. He said yes. She asked "How does that make you feel?" Then she apologized for asking "Such a therapy-like question"! Our MC rocks! But H answered, he told MC that when I back off and am patient with him, H feels more relaxed and less defensive.
HE SAID IT OUT LOUD!! I didn't have to guess!
Anyway the major issue she broke down for us was that we have these pre-conceived assumptions about each other that we have built for 15 years. H won't tell me something b/c he is afraid of how I will react. He bases this on how I have reacted "historically" (his word". She said the challenge is to leave history as history.
I told him that I may surprise him w/my reactions now as I am working on patience and understanding his side of things. He actually laughed but not in a mean way, a kind of "sure that'll happen" way. MC said, "Don't laugh, she is really trying and wants you to give her the chance to show you she has grown." He agreed with that. Then she said "You have been sharing more w/her the past few days, and that is a change for you, too". Your challenge going forward will be for H to continue to share things, and W to continue to react w/patience and understanding so H feels safe to share things. Of course there was more than that, we were there for an hour.
But nobody mentioned separation. I am not assuming we won't separate, in fact we are separating Sunday when he moves to Iowa. But that is job-based not marriage based. Once the kids and I are ready to go to Iowa too we will see if he wants us to live together as a family. I know I do. I am not going to bring it up until the situation occurs naturally (we decide it is time to move, whether I get a new job or the house sells or whatever). But as long as we make SLOW and steady progress I am not throwing in the towel. And the good part is he doesn't seem to be, either.
Also, HOORAY! Tonight is the LAST bowling night!! Good riddance!
