Sounds like you are feeling really good about the connection you established with you BF! This is excellent news, and it seems like he really welcomed your initiating /extending the contact in this new way. Good for you to have the courage to choose this on your end. Almost sounds like he's struggling more (and differently) than you are at this time. I want you to consider using that thought to further ground and strengthen yourself!
When I was reading about your dilemma about Berlin, going there just didn't sound like it was quite the right fit from your own words and feelings. I'm glad you chose to stay...but I agree that perhaps another trip elsewhere at some point could be a nice thing for you. After all, it needs to be doing something for you that helps you to be stronger and feel good.
Sorry to hear you are physically so sick. I hope you get better soon.
