Mixed Signals - version 13...

[minkerman]

Sorry to hear how things have turned in your R, catfan...but you'll be fine because you have "you" figured out.

You will find someone who appreciates that, and it will be so great!

[Broken Tree]

Cat,

I feel reaaly bad for you but feel really great for you. I can not wait to get where you are. I feel good but am still struggling with the loss of her love for me.

Your words are great and inspireing. Listen to your words!

"All that I do, all that I am, all that is in me is love, compassion, optimism and Faith."

"So a new chapter now begins and there is so much to look forward to!"

"She helped turn me in the direction I had been seeking for some time, a direction that would take me on a journey to rediscover the man I really am."


"I am that man! A man full of optimism, passion, compassion, respect, responsibility, hope, love and above all Faith. A man that let's those qualities drive and direct my every thought, deed, action and words."

I have great respect for you!

[catfan]

BT, you and everyone else can get to the same place. It's simple to say yet very difficult too implement. All you need to do is have Faith, look at the positives, look for things you are grateful for and focus on these things. Honestly just getting to that positive place is liberating in itself!!

[catfan]

Well another example of mixed signals.

First, I moved into my new apartment over the weekend which meant getting some of "my" things out of our house. It felt great moving into a new place!

I had dinner with my wife and kids last night as usual. Got the girls loaded up in my truck and my wife and I chatted a few minute or so while standing outside the truck. We were talking about a number of things she still needs to do that she's required to do in our separation agreement. Call it a backslide if you want but as we were finishing up the conversation I said to her, "I've said it before and I'll say it again, I take my word seriously. One issue you said you had with me was being able to depend on my word. Well the vow was for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, for better or for worse. We've done them all now and are at worse and I intend to keep my word. I don't mean pressure by this just hope it can provide you comfort." Her response, yes it does, thank you. Then with a big smile she gave me a big hug.

This morning as the girls were getting ready for school D9 said to me. Mommy was smiling really big last night, I like it when I see you too smiling at each other like that. It's been a while since I've seen Mommy smile like that with you.

So now I feel like D9 has all of the sudden gotten a false sense of hope. I tried to tell her that Mommy and Daddy where just having and nice conversation and nothing else. But she wasn't going to believe that.

Ugh, I hate mixed signals and all the things they bring.

[cat03]

But after 15 months of separation and honestly 3 years of relationship challenges knowing what it seems the future holds is liberating. The burden of stress that limboland creates is gone. I have a calm sense of relief and an excitement for the future.

Thanks only to God, I'm there too. I expected constant crushing heartache but like you, being out of limbo has freed my spirit. We have fought and suffer so much these past months, we left no stone unturned, and that in itself is a victory. It took a bit but now I can walk without that heaviness in my heart, H and I still have to share kids so it's like we are heading in the same direction but taking different trains, if you will, I know he is there but he's on his own agenda and destiny, and I have grown to accept that. Took me pains yes, but now that the cat is out of the bag I'm free..

[catfan]

CAT03, I'm not sure we've left every stone unturned. For one we've never seriously tried counseling. Although she's made indications several time that she's open to it. In the end she seems to avoid it because "not sure of the value in it". She said the same thing about Retrouvaille even though she knows communication was a big problem in our marriage for both of us. We both could stand to learn more about how to communicate more effectively, listening, processing and speaking. But honestly I think she's avoided counseling and such because she's avoiding addressing her personal issues head on.

There have been times when it seems she's realized she needs to address them, even shown some desire to but in the end she turns away from them. In the end I don't think she realizes she's driving the wedge between us now, not me. My never say quit attitude helps and hinders us. It probably has more to do with why we aren't divorced yet even though legally either of us could have filed as of Nov. 9, 2007. But I am moving forward with life now and am excited about all the opportunities it holds for me!

[cat03]

yeah, a lot of good came out of C for my H, it only works if one FOLLOWS what is said at C, otherwise it s a waste of time, H saw his own T, then our MC, and all the while kept going down the same crooked path on purpose, unwilling to change. You were open to C right? well, if she wasn't then it's on her.

Everytime H says "I just want to stop hurting you (while talking about D) I just think he is saying he doesn't want to keep trying because "it never works"-- well, it could work IF he were determined to make us work, but he isn't.

[FLTC]

Cf,
I can't help to think that you keep throwing out the net hoping to pull back something, but all you pull back, like me, is an empty net. I got tired of throwing out the net. It's exhuasting and FRUITLESS. They KNOW how we feel, they know we don't want to break promises, etc. None of that matters, and you know that.
Has your wife actually TOLD you what she wants? I can't seem to find that in your thread. You're right. Last time I checked in, you were certain you were heaed fro a D. Now wife is hugging you? Last time I checked in you also thought there might be "another pair of shoes in the closet".

[catfan]

You're right I do and sometimes I do when I don't even mean to! Honestly I can't tell you why I said what I said on Sunday. I hadn't planned on saying anything like that. Shoot I'm not even sure what I was expecting as a response. I do know her response came across to me as very positive.

So I guess really I just want her to say "yes it's time to see if this will work." Really I feel like when I look at her, look into her eyes, see the way she acts, reacts and responds around me, that deep down she really does want to reconcile, she wants me to be "the man", wants to know and believe in me and us. I mean come on, she's not filed yet and has said she still doesn't have a plan to at this point. So what is it she's expecting? Am I reading too much into it all?

Maybe so but I do know I need to keep moving forward for myself and that's exactly what I am doing. I can't and won't let the faint desire keep me in limobland, keep me from moving forward in life.

[Dom R]

CAT03, I'm not sure we've left every stone unturned. For one we've never seriously tried counseling. Although she's made indications several time that she's open to it. In the end she seems to avoid it because "not sure of the value in it". She said the same thing about Retrouvaille even though she knows communication was a big problem in our marriage for both of us. We both could stand to learn more about how to communicate more effectively, listening, processing and speaking. But honestly I think she's avoided counseling and such because she's avoiding addressing her personal issues head on.

My personal theory on this:

She knows it will "work". She doesnt care.
She doesnt feel like your marriage is worth her putting in the effort. Which is why she doesnt want to do it.
She wants you to do all the work.