H never came back from Iraq, part 3

[MichelleLT]

This week I have been dealing with a lot of graduation stuff. We are starting to get all the advertisements for class rings and graduation announcements.

It's got me kinda philosophical. I've been a student off and on for most of my life. I met my H in college, we got married when I finished college, and now as we both are coming up on graduation we are facing a huge crisis in our M.

At a time when we should finally have a shot at being a real married couple instead of being separated because of the Army or both working and going to school and trying to scrape out time for each other, instead my H is contemplating D as the "answer" to our problems. It seems so silly in many ways because so many of things that he wants to change ARE changing, because of circumstances if nothing else. It just seems like such a waste to walk away when he's finally getting what it seems he was never able to ask for.

I look at OW and have to shake my head. A lot of my reading says that people have As with people either very screwed up or very much like the LBS used to be like. OW seems to be a weird combination of both. In some ways she reminds me of myself (albeit at 17/18 instead of her biological age of 21) but with so many issues. I wonder if H isn't trying to go back and find someone that reminds him of me, but more malleable and more needy, that he can mold into the person he wished I was.

But then I shake my head over the whole thing, because he's got me in a position where he could set the terms for a R (other than going NC with OW since I have no interest in being part of some screwed up love triangle) and create the M he wanted, and he won't take advantage of it.

Anyways, like I said, it just seems like a huge waste.

And it's hard not to think about all this as I am facing a big transition point in my life in general, even w/o the possibility of D looming over my head.