Feeling better today. Sometimes I think I get so caught up in moving forward with my life that I don't give myself time to work through certain emotions, and then bam! All of a sudden it all hits me, and I emotionally crash.
I suppose the real issue is H's ambivalence, which puts me in a state, too. It's a big problem for me, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Furthermore, I'm not sure that I really want to.
It hurts to see and hear his evident confusion and pain, and I feel like telling him I don't want him back when he's clearly showing these signs. I can't make him happy, only he can do that for himself, and at the same time, I feel as though I shouldn't turn my back on him either.
I really wish H would get help. I feel like it could make all the difference in the world, M'ed or not.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Yesterday when he told me about the basketball game he would be attending tonight, he said he was hoping that there would be an extra ticket so he could take me along. Seemed like a nice thought.
Tonight, found out there actually was an extra ticket, but did he call me up to invite me? Nope. Even though he knew I would be available, he chose to call someone else instead.
He's really meeting me halfway, isn't he?
Talked to one of my sisters earlier this evening, too. She thinks I should just move on without him. I'm really feeling like I should.
Last edited by GoingForward; 02/23/0807:48 AM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Got to sleep in a little today since the kids were with MIL. That's always nice! Took a long, hot shower before it was time to pick them up.
Dropped S12 back at home (he hates shopping ) and took the two younger ones to the craft store. S8 needed some things to add to his diorama for school. While there, H called, asked where we were, and wanted to know if I could give him a ride to work later on. He left his car at work yesterday and rode with his friend (who is also the guy he rooms with) to the basketball game. I said sure, then told him where we were so his friend could drop him off there.
H met us at the store about 5 minutes later. He said he was hungry and asked if we would like to go out for some lunch. S8 said yes. I did, too, then drove home to pick up S12.
We all had a nice lunch together. H and I didn't talk about much, but we still had a decent time, and the kids really seemed to enjoy it. H was having fun joking around with them, which made me feel good.
After lunch, I jumped on the freeway, and when I passed the exit to take for our house, H asked where was I going. I said I thought he wanted me to take him to work. He said yes, but it wasn't time yet. So I got off the freeway, and then I noticed that I needed to get gas. Pulled into the station and H said, "I got it." He got out, paid for and pumped the gas.
Came back to the house. I had some dishes to clean up, so I did that while H played with the boys in one of the other rooms. When I was done with the dishes, H went to the living room and watched some TV, and S8 and I worked on his diorama in the kitchen. About 45 minutes later, H said we should get going, so we all packed into the car again and headed out.
We stopped before getting on the freeway again, and H bought the kids some ice cream for the trip (only a 25 - 30 minute drive). H talked a little about SIL. She applied for a position where H works, and he said, "Honestly, I hope she doesn't get it." I asked why did he feel that way, and he said she's made a couple of BIG mistakes where she's currently working - the kind of mistakes that cost big money and could even cost lives; she's not safe. He said he didn't know what was going through her mind for her to make such errors. This is serious stuff, and I guess SIL left him a voicemail while we were out to lunch today (he must have had his phone turned off or on vibrate because I didn't hear a ring the whole time we were together). H said it sounded like SIL was worried that she didn't pass the test she had to take for the new position, and that she messed something up, again, at her current job and is afraid she's going to get fired. H told me that her chances aren't looking too good right now, and on one hand he feels bad for her, but on the other, he doesn't.
Anyhow, after talking about SIL for a while, H said, "So when are you moving (S3)'s bed back?" I didn't really know what to say; he kind of caught me off guard with that. Finally, I said, "Well....I don't know. I don't know if we're going to still be there much longer." H quickly said, "You know you are." I said, "No, I don't know." H said, "I told you."
It's almost like we were talking in code because the boys were right there in the backseat, and we didn't want them to hear specifics.
Anyway, I said, "Yes, I know what you told me, but that's it. You 'told' me. Nothing's been done though." H asked, "What do you mean? What am I doing wrong?", and I said, "You're not doing anything wrong. I'm just saying that I haven't seen anything happen with - ", then H finished, "Moving in." I said yeah. H said, "Alright.....Alright."
We got to his workplace, H said bye to the kids and thanked them for joining him at lunch, and gave me a light tap on my hand, saying thanks for the ride. I said no problem.
So in all, today we spent a few hours together. Nothing major but it helps with getting along and feeling more at ease around each other. Well it helps me at least.
H just called now. He asked me to check his soccer schedule online for tomorrow. He also asked if I had a nice time today. I told him that I did, and I thanked him again for lunch and putting gas in for me. Told him I appreciate it. He said ok, and he had to get back to work, so I said I'd talk to him later then we said goodbye.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I'm one week away from heading into D court, and I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I think in the back of my mind, I know that H isn't coming back. Even though he said he didn't want the D, he still continues to do nothing to show me he means it.
I wonder how I'm going to be. How will I feel walking into the courthouse next Tuesday morning? I'd like to think that I'll be strong, calm, confident. However, I think there will be sadness in me as well; I'm afraid that I might even cry. The thought of being D'ed is not a pleasant one. There's nothing to feel happy about. Never pictured myself saying one day, "I'm D'ed."
What could I have done differently? Was saving my M even possible? I must have done something right if H didn't file for D immediately upon leaving, and even throughout our S, he never filed. I filed when I just couldn't take anymore of his ambivalence.
Perhaps I should've set my boundaries much sooner. Perhaps I should've said enough was enough long ago. Then maybe I'd be past this mess. Maybe.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
It sounds like a lot is going on! You're one week away from divorce court! How are you doing???? I imagine I will be a wreck b/c I think I will be in that situation later in the year. I do think you sound like you are blaming yourself way too much, I know I do that myself. Everyone makes some mistakes but I know everyone here has done everything they can to save their marriages, including you. Karen43
You're right though. Oftentimes, I do tend to blame myself for how things turned out. It's hard not to. For quite some time, H frequently cast blame onto me for having decided his life for him....his actual words....by having children, buying a house as our family grew, etc. Sometimes I'm successful at thinking, 'Ok, whatever, H.' and let it go. Other times, I am not so good at it.
Many words from my H have left a lasting impression, and unfortunately, not a positive one.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
GF, I am sorry I have not posted in your thread yet, and you have been so helpful to me. I don't think I have anything to offer other than my support. I just noticed that you are 32 as well. Had I not seen this I would have thought you were older you seem to have everything so together.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Not older in age, but perhaps older in DBing. I only joined the site about a month ago, but I had been DBing years before then. I've been through the worst part of the emotional storm, and now can see things much more clearly.
It's been no easy journey, that's for sure, and if there's anything that I have together now, it's my life and being able to accept that I cannot change anything or anyone other than myself. I accept my sitch for what it is, and although it's not what I originally hoped for, I am still ok with it.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
H and I talked a little yesterday. He came by to say hi to the kids and took S12 and S8 to their martial arts class for me.
Anyway, with the D date coming up this Tuesday, and taking into consideration that H hasn't moved back in, I asked him if he was going to be there (in court) since he'll be coming off graveyard that very morning.
He looked a bit stunned and said, "Yeah....I'll be there.....So this is it? There's no way now?" I again went into how he hasn't come back, that all I receive are words. No actions have been taken to show me that he really wants to move back in.
He said ok then left to take the kids to their class.
H called shortly after leaving and dropping off the boys, and we basically had the same discussion. Nothing resolved.
H called again this morning, wanting to talk about the sitch. He asked me if it was too late. I said no, it wasn't. It's never too late, but maybe we should just go through with the D for now, and IF we both still wanted to try, while putting in a conscious effort, then we could do that. Who knows? If things turned out well, and we wanted to remarry one day, perhaps we could have an actual ceremony this time with family there (we M'ed in one of those all night chapels up in the Tahoe area ).
H said he doesn't want this D to happen. He doesn't want to go through with it and have to worry about who gets what and blah, blah, blah, and he doesn't like the thought of earning six figures and then having nothing to show for it because of the D.
I didn't really have much else to say other than I understood how he felt and was sorry.
After a short while, H talked about us doing things together on the weekend of March 8th. I reminded him that I already had plans for that weekend; I've had these plans for a few weeks now. He said ok and continued talking about how he wants to spend time with the kids, with me, all of us together as a family again. He wants to take the boys to the snow on the 8th. I said there was nothing wrong with him taking them himself (my plans are for that day), and he said yeah but he still wanted me to be there.
Silence for a moment, then H said, "Well I think I'm going to give (friend) next month's rent. I can't just give him 2 days notice and move out without giving him anything. It wouldn't be right." I said, "Yep, I agree," while of course thinking to myself, 'Ok, but I'm not counting on it.' (Sorry, but I've been through these types of convos sooooo many times. I will not believe any of it until I see it.)
Then he said alright and had to get back to work, so we said goodbye.
When I got back home earlier from picking up the kids from school, I found this e-mail from H:
Sorry xxx(my nickname), I thought the clean sweep day was this Saturday. As you can see, it is not. This sucks, if I could of worked this Saturday it woulda set me up for 7 days in a row, big mutha f n money. I don't think I will be working Saturday but I will let you know b4 this weekend. You are very very pretty. I want to make you happy. I want to make the kids happy. I want us both to be happy. I am sorry I have taken so much time. I don't want this divorce to happen. I still love you very much. Please try to be happy every second of every day. It makes me sad when you are not. You are still very beautiful. You are a very good Mom too. Enjoy the rest of this beautiful day. I will talk to you later.
I haven't responded. Don't think I really need to.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Wow, have you recieved emails like this before too? I mean it brought tears to my eyes. I don't know what this means to you but I am happy for you receiving it.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Took a long, hot shower before it was time to pick them up.
) and took the two younger ones to the craft store. S8 needed some things to add to his diorama for school. While there, H called, asked where we were, and wanted to know if I could give him a ride to work later on. He left his car at work yesterday and rode with his friend (who is also the guy he rooms with) to the basketball game. I said sure, then told him where we were so his friend could drop him off there.
I asked why did he feel that way, and he said she's made a couple of BIG mistakes where she's currently working - the kind of mistakes that cost big money and could even cost lives; she's not safe. He said he didn't know what was going through her mind for her to make such errors. This is serious stuff, and I guess SIL left him a voicemail while we were out to lunch today (he must have had his phone turned off or on vibrate because I didn't hear a ring the whole time we were together). H said it sounded like SIL was worried that she didn't pass the test she had to take for the new position, and that she messed something up, again, at her current job and is afraid she's going to get fired. H told me that her chances aren't looking too good right now, and on one hand he feels bad for her, but on the other, he doesn't.