I am so confused, not sure what hand I am playing

[GoingForward]

... (maybe 1 night without r talk is ok)...

I think any night (or day) without any R talk is good. It gives both you and H a much needed rest.

Ok while I did not verbalize my boundaries last night... I did go over them a lot in my head.

What are your boundaries? Feel free to verbalize them here, and if you wish, we will gladly give you feedback.

I spent most of the time after I got home cuddling with my daughter on the couch(she is very needy and knows something is up) instead of on the computer, looking at phone bills, counting texts ect.

Neecy, I am VERY proud of you! A wonderful step in the right direction to regaining your sanity!

When he got home he told me that apparantly everyone at work is cheating the company (he had seen stuff from other people before) because he got an fax today that said look at the work email then delete it right away and it was info about another ee.

H is talking to you. He's telling you about his day. I think that's really good. Definitely a positive.

I said who sent you the fax, of course it was ow. He really thinks that it is ok that they remain friends at work. I said what part of you not talking to her anymore does this include? Don't you think it is odd he needs to tell me about the convos they have?

I see another positive here. Even though you had to ask, H told you about his contact with OW. He was open with you because perhaps he wanted to be when he could've just lied and said someone else sent the fax. Seems to me like he's trying, neecy.

Also, it looks as though continuing contact is unavoidable since your H and OW have to work together. It seems H wants to end the A, but he also has to continue the working R with OW.

Here's what Dr. Glass (author of "Not Just Friends") has to say on this very subject:

"In cases where professional collaboration is a necessity, the parameters of the R need to be carefully designed and communicated. Here are two suggestions for redrawing those lines:

1. Limit contact to business only. If you are serious about reestablishing safety in your M and sending clear signals to your AP, then you must become a polite but distant stranger to your AP. Going out for coffee, swapping stories about your kids, and trading office gossip are invitations to intimacy. Telephone strictly for business purposes, and if the OP steers the conversation into personal waters, say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to discuss that."

2. Do not talk about your M with your AP. If your ex-lover asks how your M is doing, you can demonstrate that there is a wall around the M that cannot be knocked down by answering, "I'm sorry, but it isn't appropriate for me to discuss that with you." Refusal to discuss your M tells your AP where the boundaries are. You won't be tempted to portray the M in a negative light to protect the feelings of the AP, who must understand that you now have a new commitment to the M."

If you haven't thought about it already, you should really consider getting this book. It's helped, and continues to help, me in many ways.

I noticed something last night, H brought his cell phone in the house and left it at the front door, he did this sunday morning too when he went for coffee he left it behind. This is odd for him as it was stuck to his side before. Not sure if this is a good sign or if it means there is another phone(it really is too bad i need to think this way)

Let's look at this as another positive! It could be a sign that he is letting go of OW. Maybe H left the phone behind so IF she tried to contact him while he was out, he wouldn't be tempted to talk/text with her. Or maybe he just didn't think about it at all! Maybe all he had on his mind was getting that cup of coffee!

I listened to the radio on the way to work today.

EXCELLENT!

Listening to music often helps me to clear my head. If a song plays that brings on negative thoughts, change the station.

You're on your way to getting your groove back!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Neecy,

I'm happy you're doing better today; I see many positive signs here.

I hope you know what great advice you're getting from GF -- you'd be wise to heed and follow!

Boundaries, Neecy -- more than anything else, BOUNDARIES.

Puppy

[Snow White]

I do realize what good advice I am getting from GF, and I really, really appreciate it. I am hoping that our EAP library has the book that she suggested as I have checked our local libary and bookstore for After the Affair as well as this and they are not available, I can order them online if need be.

I am doing better today but then again, I went to bed at 7:30 how much could I screw up :-)

"I see another positive here. Even though you had to ask, H told you about his contact with OW. He was open with you because perhaps he wanted to be when he could've just lied and said someone else sent the fax. Seems to me like he's trying, neecy."

I think he is trying too and then every once in awhile I am blown away and I have an internal struggle between whether I was just being led astray all along or if he just had a backslide as far as the "helping" of this needy friend.

[GoingForward]

I think he is trying too and then every once in awhile I am blown away and I have an internal struggle between whether I was just being led astray all along or if he just had a backslide as far as the "helping" of this needy friend.

What actions can you take to stop these negative thoughts from invading your mind?

How about trying something like -

* Closing your eyes and telling yourself to STOP.

OR

* Picture a red stop sign and focus on the word STOP.

OR

* Write out your thoughts, the way you do here. Post them, scribble them onto a piece of paper, or keep a journal. It's a great way to release your anxieties. Just be sure not to leave anything lying around for your H to accidentally come across.

Glad you're feeling better today.

[Snow White]

Last night was mentally tough again. H came home from work very quiet. Absolutely nothing to say, spoke only when spoken to and those answers were brief. Ate his dinner in silence and left the room while D and I ate ours 20 min later(he was having leftovers). Sat on the chair staring into space again. D was feeling sick again so we lay together on the couch. Finally after she fell asleep I put her in her own bed and went to watch tv in my room. H came in and spoke first for the first time all night, said the place that he is paying his loan off at wants post-dated cheques. I said that is not a problem - is that what has been worrying you that you didn;t want to tell me that(he sicks with money and keeps missing payments - I prefer the idea of post dated cheques). He said no, nothing is wrong. I need to go to the store do you want anything. Well I am sure I looked like I wanted to cry when I said no because he said What??? I said well pick up some pop for yourself. He said I will stop at my moms and grab some. So I looked at the clock when he left it was 7:23, at 8:15 I came out and looked at my phone, there was a text saying he had stopped for a beer and would be back at 9. I sent a text asking where - he repled, the local bar he used to be a reg at. Did I want a tea when he came home? Well I had already gone back to my room to watch tv and when I came back out to the computer about 20 min later there was 2 texts, the tea and then r u mad at me? Because I hadn't responded. So he came home at 9 with the tea, and all of a sudden was in a decent mood again, nothing spectacular but he could speak. It is hard for me not to think when he left he contacted ow and his mood prior to that had something to do with needing to talk to her.

[Snow White]

[quote=neecy22]What actions can you take to stop these negative thoughts from invading your mind?

How about trying something like -

* Closing your eyes and telling yourself to STOP.

Last night my mom called and wanted to know what time today to watch D, H said 10, last I heard he had to work at 12 so it should have been 11:30 but he said it got changed and he will get off early Sat. My immediate thought, wed are OW day off, what if now that she has her own house they are going to take this relationship to the next level. Worried about it, thought about leaving work today to drive by her house - told myself to stop. Realized as I was leaving at lunch time that this week is the open house and she doesn't even have a day off, when i bought lunch at the grocery store sure enough her vehicle was at work.

I know my h has done some stuff, but I wonder how much my imagination and lack of trust have put in beyond what is happening.

[GoingForward]

Hi again, neecy. Hope you're doing well today.

So H was rather quiet all evening until he came into the room and spoke about paying off his loan. When asked if that's what was bothering him, he said no.

Hmmm....I'm no expert, but I think it's possible that was exactly what was bothering your H. As you've stated, he's not very responsible with money, and I'm sure he realizes this. It probably doesn't make him feel very good about himself either, and this could explain why he becomes or appears to be distant - not talkative, sitting away from everyone else, staring off into space, etc.

I know I've had times where I doubted myself or just had something bothering me and needed space to gather my thoughts. When someone would ask me if anything was wrong, I would almost always say no, even when it wasn't true. It's possible that your H had the money issue on his mind and didn't really want to talk about it - he might've been feeling embarrassed or ashamed by it.

Next time H goes to sit in his chair and seems to be troubled, try approaching him with something like, "Hey there. What's on your mind?" If he wants to talk, let him. Really listen to what he is saying and validate. If he doesn't want to talk, then gently back off and let him be. Don't take it personal; this is just something he wants and needs to deal with on his own.

Well I am sure I looked like I wanted to cry when I said no because he said What???

What was on YOUR mind? Why did it look like you were about to cry?

... there was a text saying he had stopped for a beer and would be back at 9. I sent a text asking where - he repled, the local bar he used to be a reg at. Did I want a tea when he came home? ..... So he came home at 9 with the tea ...

One positive after another!

Your H is clearly being accountable for his whereabouts, and he's demonstrating caring behaviors (asking about AND bringing tea home for you).

AND he kept to his word - he was home when he said he would be.

Fantastic!

Well I had already gone back to my room to watch tv and when I came back out to the computer about 20 min later there was 2 texts, the tea and then r u mad at me? Because I hadn't responded.

Ok so H made an assumption. He assumed you might've been upset with him because you didn't immediately respond the second time.

Assumptions will happen. We do them ourselves sometimes, too, don't we?

Perhaps you could help H with a little reassurance by letting him know that you weren't upset with him at all. Just explain that you were simply away from the phone at that time.

So he came home at 9 with the tea, and all of a sudden was in a decent mood again, nothing spectacular but he could speak. It is hard for me not to think when he left he contacted ow and his mood prior to that had something to do with needing to talk to her.

Perhaps enjoying that refreshing beer is what lifted his spirits.

Don't assume it was anything else. Assumptions can often be bad, bad, BAD.

Remember, neecy - POSITIVE thoughts.

[Snow White]

[quote=GoingForward]

What was on YOUR mind? Why did it look like you were about to cry?

What was on my mind is that he had to leave the house to contact her, that is how I found out in the first place because he left to go to the store and took a long time to come back and was out in the driveway on the phone with her, it is not normal behaviour, prior to the last 2 months to get up at 7:30 and just randomly go to the store

I have made assumptions about what I think the realtionship my H was/is in. I really don't know what went on on the phone or in the texts, he claims all to do with her and her situation at home and then this month to do with the backlash at work. I guess only time will tell, hopefully in that time I don't chase him away with my well earned crazys

[GoingForward]

Neecy,

Every thought, every worry, every doubt you have is completely understandable. Going through all of these emotions is a very normal process. You have been deceived, in one of the worst ways possible, so naturally it is very difficult to not have upsetting thoughts about H's actions. It's really hard to trust and believe his intentions.

I don't want you to feel that you're wrong or that I'm telling you you're wrong for what you are feeling. You're not, and I'm not at all. I'm suggesting ways to help you cope with the obsessive thoughts and work your way to eventually ridding yourself of them. This is your imagination running wild on you; they are not facts.

If you want to overcome these intrusive thoughts, you have to find ways to get them out of your head. Easier said than done, I know it. But if you want your sanity back, not to mention your M, then you've got to be strong and try. Don't vent at home; continue to come here to do it.

I see so many positives in your sitch. Your H seems to be giving quite a bit of effort towards repairing the R.

Now, what have you done for your PMA today?

[Snow White]

I love that I can come here and vent. I do not think for an instant that you were telling me I was wrong for what I was feeling and I understand how hurtful those felings are to my own mental health. I am so happy to have someone to discuss things with other than those close to me who while very few know some, none know as much as I have written here.

As far as PMA today, well I can't say I have done a whole heck of a lot. I haven't been down but I haven't really done anything special either, D4 is already in bed with her neverending fever. H is working until 8. I am doing laundry! Tomorrow the EAP counsellor at work is supposed to call me to set up my individual sessions, I had asked to meet with him to discuss how to work on me in particular as opposed to the MC who we are seeing for the M. I did get an email from a friend in another office of my work today saying that I was right about the rumor mill(y I want no one to know) she heard today that I must be sick because I am getting so thin.

"I see so many positives in your sitch. Your H seems to be giving quite a bit of effort towards repairing the R." It is because of this that I am afraid to have the boundaries discussion which is going to seem controlling (see #1 complaint) It is hard to set the boundaries when i am not sure that there are any being broken. Yes the boudary was blown out of the water by texting from our vacation, but has it happened since? Who knows? As we discussed they do need to have contact at least at work, to my knowledge there is no contact outside of that. We have not ML since the whole cake eating boudary discussion earlier this week, but it hasn't come up yet either. I do know he should delete her as a friend on facebook, which he hasn't but he says she doesn't even have a computer now that she moved out. Doesn't want to be the bad guy.