Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Hi Mike,

I'm very hurt and confused by his lack of contact over the past few days. It seemed as though things were going, albeit slowly, in a positive direction. I was being patient and not pushing, not talking about R or M or asking many questions. Then this ski race volunteering thing comes along and he has disappeared, exactly the way he did when he was in the midst of his A. This leads me to suspect that OW has made a reappearance, since she has a place where the races were being held and she knows alot of the people in this ski racing community.

So to say think about how far we've come, right now it feels as though we are back to where we were a year ago. In fact, it was a year ago this week that H moved out (snuck out) without telling me the truth about why. The other thing is that next week will mark our 24th anniversary since we started dating. It's very difficult not to get emotional right now.

No, I don't know what's going on in his head. I suspect if he did not get the job, he's very depressed and perhaps he went to OW for comfort. Or he is alone. I though for sure he would call last night to let me know about the job, but he didn't even answer D's goodnight call. I finally left him a vmail at about midnite saying I was calling to say goodnight and to see how he was doing (pursuing a little) I've received no call or text in response. My gut tells me that his avoidance of me is not a good thing, that it has something to do w/ OW this w/end. No, I'm not a mindreader, but his was a long term EA/PA and you know what they say about no contact... I have to realistic.

And maybe it's time for me to face up to the fact that now may not be the time for me to be barking up this tree, if there will ever be a time for that again. Maybe I need to face the fact that he has way too much sh*t on his plate to deal with and I need to be away from him, for my own sake. I don't really know how to do that. I don't know if I should just show him by my actions that I'm done playing games and I'm getting off the roller coaster, or if I should let him know. Eventually I would hope he would ask what was going on in my head, but he is most likely not concerning himself w/ my feelings at all, nor his D's feelings.

And he has this weird, unrealistic notion of how mature D is - he told her he was going to buy her a cell phone. She is 7 years old! How wacked out is that? No concern about her emotional well being, just taking her skiing (I guess to get her involved in his new life and world w/ his new friends) and buying her gifts. He lets her watch movies that are much too old for her as well, leaving me to deal w/ her fears and anxieties b/c she can't talk to him truthfully about her feelings. No, it's time for me to go dark, except for communicating about D.

What I would really like to say to him is this:

"I love you, I will always love you. But I told you months ago that I am unwilling and unable to play these games with you anymore. I want to be your friend, if that's possible, but more importantly I want to be able to co-parent D w/ you. Whatever it is you need to do in your life has nothing to do w/ me. You need to do what you need to do to find your way, and it appears that you need to do this on your own as you don't talk to me about it and you need alot of space. I have always wanted you to come home and for us to be a family again, and if the time ever comes that you do want to talk about that with me, I will listen. But I need to move on with my life and find my own way.

I only ask one thing from you: that you do not bring anyone else into D's life right now, and I agree to do the same. D is too fragile and sensitive and is having a very difficult time dealing w/ our separation right now. She is not able to talk to you, even though I encourage her to, but she has talked to me at length about her anxieties and fears, her sadness and low self esteem. I really didn't want to tell you about it b/c I was afraid you would take it as my blaming you - I am not. But the reality is that she is only 7 yrs old and is very hurt and confused and she needs all the love and support we can both give her without making her life any more complicated than it already is. I would like to communicate with you regularly about D and other household and financial matters. I also think it's time we had a formal separation agreement and discuss finances and what we want to do with the house.

I am not saying there is no hope for us. I am simply saying that I cannot live my life this way. I will not try to guess what you are thinking or feeling, but if you ever want to talk, know that I will always be there to listen. I want you to be happy, whatever that means to you, even if that means living my life without you."

Okay, now I have to get back to work. But I needed to write that down so that I don't forget what to say when that time comes, which I think is very soon.

FA