one unfaithful's perspective

[GoingForward]

Yes, please tell us more about your sitch. We can all learn from each other.

Another great book (I can't stress it enough) to check out, if you haven't already, would be "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. MWD herself has referred to it as "a godsend."

There are some questions Glass poses for the UPs to ask themselves. I will post them, and perhaps you could share your thoughts with us.

**NOTE** - Glass states that "it's important that you do not make the mistake of deciding on the basis of comparing an exciting, illicit romance with a stable, long-term M."

1. Picture yourself with the AP (affair partner) in a long-term committed R.

* What would life be like 5 years from now; 20 years from now?

* Ask yourself whether the AP wants to have children. If you already have a family, do you want to be raising another family in the future?

* What would it be like for you and your AP to raise stepchildren together?

* How would your children handle your M to the person who broke up their intact family?

* What were the things that attracted you to your AP? If these traits were to become exaggerated, would you still be attracted? For example, if you like the fact that your AP is always frank and direct, imagine what it would be like to be with someone who's brutally honest.

2. What will it be like when the passion of a forbidden love wears off 10 years from now? Imagine how forlorn you might have been if something had prevented you from marrying your S. You probably would have believed forever that you had lost the one true love of your life.

3. Would you still want to D your S even if the R with the AP doesn't work out?

4. Visualize where you want to be in 10 or 20 years from now - where you want to be living, how you want to spend your time, and what gives you pleasure. What happened to the dreams you once had about what it would be like to grow old together with your S?

Other considerations -

Are you staying in the M out of guilt or duty? For the children? Do you feel you are too weak to end it and too afraid to be on your own?

Here's a reality check: Individuals often carry their psychological problems with them into the next R. Also, second M's (which have a 60% divorce rate - and even worse if you happen to M your AP) may have the added strain of blended families and stepchildren. "R's that began through betrayal and broken trust often end up having their own problems with trust."


I commend you for coming here. Not an easy thing to do, I'm sure.