Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
I just need to keep my interest level up. She is starting to win the game of being nasty to me so I react in a bad way so she can justify her decision and make me lose interest. Sometimes I look at her and love her so much and other times I look at her and want to spit!
I do love her and even more love my kids more than anything in the world. I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I deserve love and compasion.
There are times I expect to see Rod Serling standing in the corner introducing my life as an episode on "The Twilight Zone". If it gets to the "Night Gallery" phase, I may run screaming from the state.
I can totally relate to your swing in emotions when you look at her. I've had times when I physically want to just pummel my H. We all deserve love and compannionship. We will all have it. Right now our choices have lead us to fight for these lost souls that we love. it sux esp not knowing how it all will end. I do know that in the end I will be cherished. So will you.
Thanks for your thoughts. Do you also sometimes feellike you are being used. I hate when my wife wants something and can be so sweet, you feel like OK, what does she want now and just the day before she said she would have to drink a whole bottle of vodka to make love to me and has lost all feeling for me.
Sometimes I think she keeps telling me she has lost her love just to convince herself. She goes over and over the same miserable stuff all the time. It is getting so old.
BT, if you go back to one of my old threads from a few months ago you'll see that I sounded just like you do now...way too wrapped up in what W is doing. So don't be too hard on yourself...it takes time to learn to detach. Before long, you'll be secretly laughing at her craziness while projecting a calm, cool, friendly demeanor.
MLCers repeat things over, and over, and over, and over, and...you get my point. I can't count the number of times I've heard:
"I just don't know what's going to happen to us." (One of her favorites for instilling doubt and fear)
"Maybe we can just be friends." (In other words, sex is out of the question)
"Now it's time for me." (There are several variations of this overall selfish theme)
The MLCer will keep repeating this bile more to convince themselves than to convince you. I just nod my head, smile, and say something empathetic.
You're doing a fine job BT. Started those flying lessons yet?
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between lies and half-truths, between confusion and deception. And it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his patience. This is the dimension of obfuscation. It is an area which we call....
...The MLC Zone.
OK, Grace...maybe it is a little weird that I have the entire opening monologue of Twilight Zone memorized. But I'm still a pretty cool guy...really...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
You've pretty much got this exactly right... she's being nasty so that you will react so she can justify her actions. Try to think of it this way... She is probably much more confused, scared, and hurting than you are about this situation. She likely questions everything she does that she knows brings pain to you, and to herself. If you react badly, it DOES help her justify that what she's running from is you, and that it's the best thing for her to do.
You are actually in a position of empathy, because you do know the pain, and you do know the confusion. Difference is, you have no control over the source of the pain and confusion, so you can't do anything about it, except leave it alone and empathize.
You ARE living a nightmare. We all are or have. None of us signed up for this when we got married. It's not fun, but it's possible to wake from it. For now, you have to get all your love and compassion from yourself, your friends, your kids, and here. You can do this.
Yes, you are a good person. If you weren't, you would not be here and you wouldn't care so much.
Grace, Z and Bomb, I gotta tell you guys, I love you! You never let me down and have such great insite and lift me up everyday. you are truely great people and will be going straight to heaven. You are all so rock solid in the face of complete crisis. I also want to let you know that I really look forward to you responses everday to the point where it may be a little crazy.
Bomb: I heard this one just the other day for the first time when she bought herself the Diamond. "Now it's time for me." (There are several variations of this overall selfish theme) All the other I have heard a thousand times before.
All of those are so dead on.
Guys & Lovely Grace. I have to confess something. I went to the Gym for an unusually hard work out (50 cardio, 25 streching and 30 minutes of strenthing) My endorfins were releasing and were flying and I felt spectacular. I also had some very negative feelings toward my marriage. Kinda like why am I doing this, why don't I just move out and start over. She is miserable, I am somewhat miserable, Life is short. Maybe it had to do with my Pysc meeting yesterday who basically said "Boy, you got some hard decisions to make. What are you really leaving behind, at the end of the day you are going to be in great shape but now you are living in a sh** storm". It makes you think twice. I know it is not what i want but boy it's the first time i have thought seriously and hard about packing it in. I also have a bit of a problem in that everywhere I go (I have lived in the same town, except for 5 years of college in Mass, for 47 years) people stop me to tell me how great I look with 20 pounds off, new hair do, dressing nicer and PMA all over. This happens to me 5 time a day, I swear, and I am no box of chocolates. Very ordinary and borderline boring. If they had an award for most ordinary and boring i would win in a landslide.
Is it ok to feel like you want to give up, throw in the towel? I know I don't want to but it was the strongest feeling I have had in that direction.
Little more news: I went to my GP doctor today to go over my physical results. She is a buddy that I really love that knows my whole sitch, she took one look at me and said "my Tree is back". She loved seeing my smile instead of tears and my PMA. Plus my Physical was unbielivably healthy from head to toe, not bad for 48. I went home to shower after the gym and Doctor and was so happy after all the positive reinforcement, my W noticed my mood and was down right perturbed. She reinforced that she was going to Philly for the weekend and I said great, I asked If I could drive her to the train.
Sorry for being so long but I wanted to thank you guys and Gals and tell you how great I feel.
Is it ok to feel like you want to give up, throw in the towel? I know I don't want to but it was the strongest feeling I have had in that direction.
Sometimes you go there. You can't fix normal (but you can talk more gooder fastly ). It times like this when I sit quietly and try to figure out where that's coming from. Today it's time for me to have a convo with H. He's done and I am not willing to play games anymore just for the "chance" of putting this back together. It's something we all have to decide for ourselves. i think when it comes from a place of peace (even if there are tears) then you'll know what to do.
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I swear, and I am no box of chocolates.
Oh yes you are. and I will take down anybody that says otherwise...grrrr
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my W noticed my mood and was down right perturbed. She reinforced that she was going to Philly for the weekend and I said great, I asked If I could drive her to the train.
