I think you need to be strong and ask him about his music now and then. Not every time you talk to him, but occassionally. My DB coach told me to find some neutral things to talk about (the upcoming elections or something in the news) and ask what he thinks about that. The whole being my H's friend has been what I have been trying to do lately.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
hello all I've had a turblent weekend. H's OW emailed me telling me how happy they are, how is such a part of her family, her kids love him etc, and advising me to stop being so bitter as I am preventing him from moving on because I am making him guilty. As you can imagine I went nuts - how can someone be so cruel. My kids are longing for their dad everyday and she rubs it in my face that he is with hers. I phoned H in tears - he came over. Said it was rubbish and he had already told her that he was not comfortable being part of her family as he missed his own. Said she is desperate because he is trying to pull away. I don't know if he is telling the truth. Said he doesn't know how to break up with her because if he does he has to pay her back all the money that she put into his music and he doesn't have it. He stayed with night with me which was probably a big mistake on my part. I really can't take this anymore. I feel like I am having a tug of war with her over him - it is so demeaning. For all I know, he is telling her the same thing i.e. that he is trying to get rid of me. How on earth do I figure out what is true and what to do next - is it worth hanging in through all this drama. Any ideas anyone?
Me: 39, H: 37 Married 12 yrs EA 01/07, bomb 07/07. He moved out 09/07. Lived alone for some time, moved in with OW in 2009, moved out again Mar 2010 S:8 D:11
Said he doesn't know how to break up with her because if he does he has to pay her back all the money that she put into his music and he doesn't have it. ... Any ideas anyone?
"has to"?
what, did he sign loan documents and offer collateral to her? I'm guessing not.
if that is truely is "only reason" (which it probably isnt, but...)
he does not "have to" pay her back. Besides which... she's his manager. She got her "percentage" out of it. And musicians change managers all the time, when their manager doesnt mesh with what they want to do. If "what he wants to do" is be with his family and look after them... seems like his path is fairly clear.
if he raises the issue of "well, i feel morally obligated to..." I think she forfeited any right to be treated morally well, after she deliberately shows her own LACK and CONTEMPT OF morals, by specifically going after a married man, and trying to knowingly destroy your family.
The email she sent you, is perfect demonstration of that. How about you print it out, frame it, and any time he makes any kind of "moral indebtedness" claim about her, show it to him.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dayana, Sounds like you're sort of in limbo ... he says he's trying to "pull away", OW says the opposite. Who knows if either of them are telling the truth. We've all seen our spouses tell as many fibs as they need to cover their a$$es ... and some of us have had dealings with OW trying to drives wedges between us.
Can you see a lawyer to discuss any legal consequences of your H leaving this manager? I'm sure he has a contract. Does the contract mention anything about that? If your H is serious about leaving her, then he'll be open to this suggestion. If not, then, he either still doesn't know what he wants or is simply feeding you a bunch of bunk.
I don't post much anymore due to differing opinions as to how certain circumstances should be handled but your post caught my eye and I want to tell you that you are mistaken. You have children and more than decade of the warmth that having a family brings a man. Those things aren't replaced by the mistress. They are merely DISplaced. The times the two of you woke with the kids early on Christmas morning, the nights you were both up, or taking turns when a child was sick, all the times you've been together and shared that look that passes between a mother and father that ONLY you two can share - that KNOWING...all of this, and countless other times and trials that you went through together...she can't touch one second of any of that. She doesn't come close to holding a candle to you. Other women are a distraction, from lifes circumstances, from marital issues they don't know how to face, and from growing old. This isn't about you and the tramp doesn't have anything on you.
Realize that and take your dignity out of her hands. Your husband is very likely to follow.
He stayed with night with me which was probably a big mistake on my part.
Not necessarily a mistake.... obviously he still feels connected and attracted to you. There is information on this website about sex with the "ex" or rather WAS. You might want to read further on this and see how it applies to you. I think the main thing with this is emotionally protecting yourself (and health wise too! Make sure you use protection), and not expecting anything from your H. He may be very confused and not know which way to go. Just try to be patient and try to be "his best friend." Always be the "best choise" even if he ultimately becomes too blind to see it.
Originally Posted By: Dayana
I feel like I am having a tug of war with her over him - it is so demeaning.
Demeaning to who? You are legally married to this guy!!! She's just spending time with someone else's husband. She's the one who comes across looking like cr@p. Not you. He is your husband. He is still part of your family... even if he's really confused right now (But keep in mind, nothing you say can change his confusion. He has to work though it on his own...).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks all for your encouragement and the reality check. I guess he really isn't ready to give her up, at the moment anyway. In fact, I think he has started redirecting his mail away from my address so it doesn;t seem he is on his way home soon. I just don't know how to feel whole again without him although I know it's what I have to do.
Me: 39, H: 37 Married 12 yrs EA 01/07, bomb 07/07. He moved out 09/07. Lived alone for some time, moved in with OW in 2009, moved out again Mar 2010 S:8 D:11
