My husband told me on Sept. 6th that he wanted a divorce. I had no ideal that anything was wrong except that he had been distant to me over the last couple of months. I have discovered since that he met a woman on a scuba diving trip the end of June & they started emailing & now they think they are in love with each other. His plans are to quit is excellant job in Nashville & move to Austin, TX to be with her. I'm so devastated, we were so much in love at one time. He adored me as much as I adored him but he is 48 years old & I believe is going through a mid life crisis. Although he won't admit it. He was bored with our marriage & I had gotten laid off work 3 years ago & only worked part-time which he did not like, so he blamed me for bailing out on our marriage because I didn't go back to work. He thinks this woman has money & I know she had been married several times & is a little older than he is. I don't know what to do. He has filed for a divorce & I countered him by trying to get our house. He is very mad at me right now because of that & also I am going after alimony, but I still don't want this marriage to end. We will be going to mediation on Monday, March 3rd. We dated 3 years & then have been married for 15 years. He acts like he hates me at this point. He has been staying in the same house (in the guest room) with me up until about 3 weeks ago & he took his clothes & said he was going to stay with a friend for a few days, so I don't know if he has moved out or not. He does come back every now & then, will stay a couple of minutes then leave & not say a word to me. I found out he went to Austin over the Thanksgiving holidays & also for 12 days through Christmas & New Years. He came home & acted like he had only been to work, I didn't asked him where he had been. He has also been out there one weekend since & I know he is going again tomorrow through Sunday night. I don't believe it will work with this woman but I don't know how long it is going to last. I really don't know what to do to save this marriage at this point. I know my family would be very upset with me if I took him back but he is the love of my life & I am having a hard time giving him up plus I realize it is a mid-life crisis & that's why I hope I could forgive him. He is or was such a good, kind & caring person but has seemed to change over night. Now he is so mean & cruel to me, not abusive but hateful & very hurtful saying he just wants to be away from me & he doesn't love me anymore. He did tell me that he didn't know what love was until he met me. I have a lot of stuff on him that will probably come out in mediation & I'm sure I will have to use it if I'm going to get alimony & the house but he is going to be very mad. Can you help me figure out how I need to handle this situation? Do you think there is still hope? I cannot imagine my life without him.
I am sorry that you are here but you have come to the right place if you are hoping to try to save your M.
Originally Posted By: nlt
I really don't know what to do to save this marriage at this point. I know my family would be very upset with me if I took him back but he is the love of my life & I am having a hard time giving him up plus I realize it is a mid-life crisis & that's why I hope I could forgive him.
You have to figure out what YOU want. Families and friends mean well. They see you hurting and want your pain to end and they think the only way that will happen is by ending the cause of the pain. First get the book Divorce Remedy. There is a wealth of information on things you can do to save your M. Some things you should NOT do are pursue H, cry, beg, plead. These things will push him further into the arms of OW. Try to detach from your H but be pleasant when around him. Read as many posts on this board as you can - you will learn a lot from people who are in a very similar sitch.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Have you read Divorce Remedy? I recommend you start there and jump to the Last Resort Technique....and then Read Chapter 10 Infidelity, and then statt at the beginning.
Stay here on Newcomers...it's a great place for support and advice. Read the success stories, stories from piecers, and of course, anything by Michele, Jamesjohn, and the Coaches (Laurie, Dotty, Vernetta, Chuck, JoAnn, et al).
Stay solution-oriented. The key to Divorce Busting....is to keep doing the things that work....bringing more love in your life, and do less of the things that aren't working. Hang in there!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
addie & sgctxok! Thank you so much for responding & your wonderful support & advice. I will definitely get the book & follow your advice. I'm so worried about mediation on Monday because I'm sure my lawyer will use whatever it takes to get the house, insurance & alimony. He didn't tell me about th OW I found out by being nosy & I've become a pretty good PI in the process, I had to know what was going on. But I still love my husband & can't imagine life without him. In your experiences will I be able to forgive & forget this infidelity?
Nlt, Most Sp do not admit to an A until they are caught and even then many continue to deny anything is going on. Most betrayed Sp have a feeling that something is definitely not right and start to investigate. Now that your suspicions have been confirmed, you may want to stop the snooping because you are only hurting yourself (I am still struggling with this myself). You cannot control what your H is doing. The more you try to make him see that what he is doing is wrong, the more you will push him towards OW. Right now he won't listen to anything you have to say. He is holding on to his fantasy with OW and that's all he can see. I am going through the same thing with my H who is involved with someone 20 years younger. Although this is probably one of the most difficult things you will ever go through, the A will end eventually. Try to detach from H and be pleasant around your H - this is very difficult to do but becomes easier as you keep doing it. Do not bring up any talk about the M, do not get into any arguments. If H brings up anything, just listen and validate his feelings (you don't have to agree but say I'm sorry you feel that...) GAL - find things you enjoy doing - this will help to get your mind off your sitch and will help you to feel better about yourself. Start reading the book today - it explains it so much better than I can. You will never forget the infidelity but many sp do forgive and go on to have a happier M. It is very hard work to get to that point.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Addie, Thank you for you advice! It's been a couple of months since I've been able to be nosy because he figured out I was going to his room & he has put a lock on it. He has been gone from the house for about a month now so the only thing I can do is check his credit cards on line & I did check the airlines & found out he was going to see this OW leaving tonight. I haven't spoken to him about the affair in a long time, he realized I discovered it, he told me then he wasn't proud of some of his decisions but he never apologized for cheating on me, he only said he was sorry that I was hurting. We haven't really talked since he cussed me out in January (I have that on tape & my lawyer has it now) he was mad because we were going to mediation & it is going to cost so much money. I've been nice to him when he comes in, we mostly say hi & that is it. The last couple of times he came we didn't even speak because he didn't ever come into the room I was in & I didn't make an effort to see him either. I've order the book & hopefully it will be here in a few days. Again, thank you so much for your support & it's good to know someone else is going through this also. I'm not glad you are going through it but at least we can correspond. I hope things will work out for you also.
nlt, glad you are here. This place will help get things on the right track. Read the books. I have read them a few tiems so far and the advice is wonderful.
Addie is right. Stop snooping!! I am struggling with this now myself. I have access to both my WAW's email and cell records, but it is through sheer will that I am not doing anything about it. It is very important not to snoop. What good will it do you? If you don't find anything, you will keep doing it and you will not feel any better. If you DO find something, you will feel worse and then possibly confrontational. Neither of which will do you any good. Trust me, it is a lose/lose situation. AVOID IT!!!
Try and stay positive and make baby steps to improve. Do not pursue him. His silence is probably because he is having feelings of guilt about this whole situation. Take your time. Do it right. Do it for YOU!!
Ken Me: 37 Her: 38 Son: 8 (spina bifida) Son:2 M 6/24/1994 S 1/21/2008 Original Sitch
Welcome Addie,you are deffinetly in the right place.Reading the book will HELP,For yourself and your sitch.About the snooping its only going to make things worse for you emotionally.You dont need that right now.Its time to dettach.You have to screw your head on.Move forward for yourself.Good luck Tom
Me:42 W:41 Married 22 seperated12-31-07,served papers 2-29-08 S21-S20 partialy disabled S17 Divorce sighed 10-7-08 final 90 days after
Thank you all for the advice, it sure is nice to be here & I sure hope it will work out. I miss him so much & I'm have been tempted to call him but I've been strong & have not called. I don't imagine I'll see him again until Monday at mediation which I dread! My lawyer wants to see all the money he has spent going out to see the OW, that's why I've been checking the CC's. Do you all really think there is a chance we can get back together? I cannot wait until I get these books I've ordered!
The mediation is not going to get you any closer to getting him back. But you need to do this to protect your interests. Your H is probably in for a shock in regards to how much the D is going to cost him financially. Since you have been married for more than 10 years, you have a lot of spousal support (alimony) time (maybe half the time of marriage). Also, all the assets including retirement get split 50/50. You never mentioned if you had children.
The snooping is tough to not do, but you have to stop it for your own emotional sake.
I can tell you to not give up as anything can happen. In my case, I was pretty sure it was over and I filed a D. My W was cruel towards me, had our children observe her A with OM and continually threatend a D. Since that time, my W has given indications that she may desire to come back to our M. We have put our D on hold. I am fairly confident that she will come back, but if not, I am happy enough with myself to be able to move on (with a lot less money).
Make yourself happy in the meantime. If it ends in a D, you are much more prepared to move on in your life.
