Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

Thanks Glamgirl!

Actually, my problem was solved for me. While I was at lunch my H sent me a text to tell me he had his own car ins now and to take his car off mine (which I'm having to pay a HUGE penalty for! This is ticking me off to no end.) I told him ok and asked how he was doing today. He told me he was just relaxing today and asked if he was taking S13 to karate tonight. I thought a few minutes and responded "we could take him together". He said ok, I'll be there about 730p. I told him that sounded great and I'll see him then.

He sent the text to start with and not for anything personal but did agree to take our son to karate together. That was kind of nice. We'll see how it goes.

[missmyfriend]

Good idea. With all of the craziness it is so important to stay "even". You have God to help guide you and guide you "through this storm" while he twists and turns in the wind.

[mishka422]

He was supposed to come here to pick up son and I was going to ride with them. He called right at the time he was supposed to be here and said he was running late and could we just meet him there. No problem. Got there and we spent a few minutes just watching S13 and making a few comments to each other. I was very friendly and relaxed which I think put him at ease. He seemed VERY tense when I got there but relaxed I guess when he saw that I was. Don't get me wrong, flight of the bumble bees was going on in my stomach but he never had a clue! (The push up bra and low cut top probably helped me keep my confidence level up too!) H's eyes nearly popped out - pretty satisfying for me!

We just chatted all during class and then he went to the men's room and I stepped outside for some air. I was only out there a couple of minutes but the next thing I know the door is opening and there he is....looking for me. He came looking for me - totally unusual!!!! We stood outside and chatted some more. I had been thinking that maybe I would let him know that I was going to make dinner after class and ask him if he would like to join us. I didn't have to bring it up, he asked me if I was going to make dinner afterward and I told him yes, linguine with clam sauce. He looked like a starving man when I said that and I asked if he would like to join us for dinner. He said he couldn't (or wouldn't - I wonder which it really was). Later in conversation he mentioned having beans and weenies for dinner - EEEWWWWW!!!!! He hates that stuff! If that is what OW is feeding him he MUST be about to die hearing what I was making. When my friend was here visiting she was joking that H was certainly going to miss my cooking when she was eating my green chile shredded pork burritos. I LOVE TO COOK and H LOVES TO EAT. Too funny if he's eating that kind of yuck all the time! Oh well, he chose this path.....still, makes me laugh though.

No R talk at all which was good. I seriously didn't want to get into any of that. Just thought it might be nice to spend time together watching our son. I hope that he enjoyed the hour and would like to do other things together. I'm not going to contact him at all. He is going to have to make the next move. I already have put myself "out there" enough for one week. He's going to have to make the next move.

This is going to be more exhausting than I thought. I'm just glad he's not spewing ugliness at me like some of these WAS do.

Sorry this was such a ramble. I'm half asleep but too wired to actually sleep if you know what I mean.

[Punktmann]

Mishka,

I was very friendly and relaxed which I think put him at ease. He seemed VERY tense when I got there but relaxed I guess when he saw that I was.

Great DBing.


Don't get me wrong, flight of the bumble bees was going on in my stomach but he never had a clue!

Great DBing.

(The push up bra and low cut top probably helped me keep my confidence level up too!) H's eyes nearly popped out - pretty satisfying for me!

Great DBing.


Seriously though, sounds like you're doing fantastic.


Beans and weenies??? That's camp food. Or college, or teenager at home alone......

Good sign.



No R talk at all which was good.

If / when there is, let him initiate it, and cut it off if it goes south.


Awesome job.


Punkt

[mishka422]

Thanks Punkt! I'm working super hard at it. This is by far the toughest thing I've ever done in my whole life! I am fighting so hard for our M but trying to heal myself at the same time.

Not sure what to do about this weekend. H was supposed to have S13 on Friday night for 4 hours and I was going out with friends but now he is working a side job Friday night and wants to take S13 Saturday afternoon which means even if I reschedule with my friends to Saturday night it still won't work because S13 will be home. I don't see H keeping him more than 3-4 hours max. I'm not really sure how I should handle this without making it seem like I'm trying to control H. He has the schedule but picked up extra work on the night he knew he was supposed to have our son. However, I was counting on that schedule and made plans according to it.

What would be the most non-threatening, non-controlling way to handle this?

[mishka422]

^bump

Anyone have a suggestion on how to handle the above?

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I don't know if there is an answer that we can give on this. With an MLCer, they are very self-absorbed and feel that others need to consider their needs instead. During most of their lives, they have felt that they ignored their own needs and now it is their turn.

Your H probably feels that he has a right to change his plans at the last minute. The unfortunate part is that it is difficult to put your foot down without making it worse.

My sitch is where I always have the kids at some time or another, i.e. my W never has my D when she has my sons. So even if my sons are gone (2 - 3 nights per month), I have my D. When she had my D on a trip, it was my sons and me. I have been able to take off for a couple of hours at times but nothing substantial. My W is not even involved with their schooling or extracurricular activities. I will say my W has recently started to pick up our D after an activity at school (although she forgot to pick her up yesterday ) and she is going with us to a scouting event tomorrow night.

So, I am not giving you an answer or maybe I am. Maybe I am saying that you may need to weigh what is most important to you.

[mishka422]

mmf - She actually forgot to pick your D up? Oh heavens! How did your D react?

I really am glad that H wants to spend as much time as he does with S13. He spends more time with him now that he ever did when he was living at home. I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to control him. I guess changing the schedule without consulting me first is probably going to be the norm for him since everything is all about him anyway. I would love to take my son out for some fun but we're flat broke right now so I guess it's going to be popcorn and movies on the couch. He doesn't really like to hang on the couch for very long even watching a movie but we'll see how long he can make it.

I was planning on taking him to an arena football game(got my cousin's season tickets) on Saturday afternoon but if H wants to take him in the afternoon Saturday that is out too. Gees, all my darned plans for the weekend are messed up because of my darned selfish H! I just don't know what the heck to do about planning my life when I can't count on him to do anything he agreed to do. I don't want my son to suffer because of it either. He loves spending time with his dad - of course he's "fun dad" so he would love it - but does it always have to be on H's terms just so I don't ruffle his poor little MLC feathers?

I guess I just resent the fact that he walked out on me and our son and is still managing to exert control over my life. I can't even have control over my own time without him in the house! AARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just completely frustrated tonight.

[missmyfriend]

She reacted better than I thought although I could tell that it made her a little sad. We have discussed her mom trying to find out who she is and what she is supposed to do is overshadowing the important things in life so I think that helps her to feel this is a temporary thing. It really isnt like my W to be this way. She was very much into our kids before MLC struck.

About your H, you won't be able to count on him for anything right now. For me, if I need to do something, I have to make arrangements with others. For example, I am going to be more active in my two sons scouting activities so I have asked my mom to watch my D when I am gone.

I understand about the control issue of our absent spouses. My W has pretty much dictated that the house will remain so the kids can grow up in this house even though she has not provided a dime toward the mortgage, utilities, taxes or upkeep. This is her justification for "leaving" the kids with me. "You can handle the payments better than I could" according to her.

Frustration is understandable.

[mishka422]

This just makes me so mad! I'm pretty sure right now that I'm going to have to put my foot down about Saturday. I already had to cancel my plans for Friday so I'm not going to miss taking my son to the football game on Saturday. If H wants time this weekend he's just going to have to work it around our schedule. I realize he isn't thinking of anyone else right now but that is NOT my problem. I can't live in fear of making him upset. He will react however he's going to react, too bad.

I must say that I am really feeling strong right now. I have been doing so much work on myself and for myself and it's really paying off.

I dropped another clothing size...YEA ME!
I have been going to the gym more often....YEA ME!
I've been feeling very upbeat and positive and affirming myself when I feel really good.....YEA ME!
I've been consistent in my prayer and bible study....YEA ME!
I have had a PMA for almost a whole week.....BIG YEA ME!!!!
Working toward GAL....started writing a short story but had to leave off due to my crazed schedule lately. Can't start Tai Chi until one of my other classes ends.

All in all, good week for me. Just frustrated with H's scheduling issues. Not a HUGE deal though.