I'm one week away from heading into D court, and I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I think in the back of my mind, I know that H isn't coming back. Even though he said he didn't want the D, he still continues to do nothing to show me he means it.
I wonder how I'm going to be. How will I feel walking into the courthouse next Tuesday morning? I'd like to think that I'll be strong, calm, confident. However, I think there will be sadness in me as well; I'm afraid that I might even cry. The thought of being D'ed is not a pleasant one. There's nothing to feel happy about. Never pictured myself saying one day, "I'm D'ed."
What could I have done differently? Was saving my M even possible? I must have done something right if H didn't file for D immediately upon leaving, and even throughout our S, he never filed. I filed when I just couldn't take anymore of his ambivalence.
Perhaps I should've set my boundaries much sooner. Perhaps I should've said enough was enough long ago. Then maybe I'd be past this mess. Maybe.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
