Karma happening all over the place..

[Holly06]

Well I had a fabulous weekend. D 21 had the swimming weekend of her life. She blasted all her swims for personal best times, something that happens now and again, not all in 1 weekend at the old age of 21 for swimming women. It was a historic weekend for her. Her boyfriend was there, but more importantly..... TJ was there to witness her success. It was SO sweet.
He was patient and kind about the long waits, something he was never good at before.
The cell phone was no where to be seen, and I guess that means that OW is still bothering him. Maybe welcomed, maybe not.
But that is not entering into my mind or our relationship.
The physical side of our life is great, I am happy. There is a few new "moves" that I don't get any enjoyment from, but he is still in the fog of MLC confusion ( I think...) so I am not ready to enlighten him. I think he confuses me with her, and well,... no damage being done. I know it will all straighten itself out.
We enjoy our time together, although he still wanted separate rooms.
I am "letting go and letting God" very nicely. I was toying with the idea of asking for our rooms to be on the same floor. Then I let it go, and decided that what will be will be. Guess who was on my floor?
I did text him to try and get a room on the side of the hotel away from the expressway, as it was noisy. He is very sensitive to noise when he sleeps. Very contolling. I do not see my suggestion as anything but a kindness I would have extended to anyone else who would be checking in later than me. So I think I still passed my own measurement of letting go......
There were a few instances where I could see some subtle changes on his part. When I introduced him to others, it was as " D21's dad"....... there was this one father who has been following his daughter's swims everywhere, without his wife. He sat next to us at the parent's table for dinner Friday night. TJ indicated that he was with me, and D21's father. Can you say, "staking his territory?" For the story's sake lets call him Brad Pitt. (far from the truth but makes the story more fun. He actually wore a bad toupee.)
A few weeks before, as I hosted a team dinner at my house, the parents were invited to join us and he did come to my home. I enjoyed this very nice man, among the other parents that joined us. Fast forward to this past weekend.
A few dear Mom's offered to take a picture of TJ, D21 and I, I quietly put that offer aside. I think TJ overheard it once and seemed more than willing, but I did not bring it up.
He stole a public kiss, twice. Very nice.
He rested his arm on the back of my chair in the bleachers.... did not touch me, but this was a bit possessive, I think.
The last morning I went to have a healthy breakfast of fruit from the breakfast buffet. I have mastered the art of eating at a table by myself. TJ was not around. But Brad Pitt sat at the table in back of me. I was going to ask him to join me, but he did not hear my first Good Morning, but we struck up a convo over coffee.
He ask if TJ was joining me,,,, I said I did not think so. I was not sure if he was aware, but TJ and I have been separated, although we were working on a reconciliation,,,,,,
I live in D, and he lives in N, but things were coming along....
Brad Pitt, put it all together quite nicely, and ventured, " so last night when I told him I had been to his house, he might have been a little confused?......"
Almost spit my skim milk!!!!!!

So things were fun, and nice, and no relationship talks. No self contol needed to avoid these, it just did not happen.

But I do alot of reading. I have many people who care about me and offer advice. We have to have a R talk, before this thing can move past a certain point. I do not know if we are at that point, I can be patient longer. As necessary for him to set the pace.
But.....
what if he thinks he can skate by this without satisfying my need for answers and closure? I have no evidence that he has been at the bottom at all. He could have been, out of my view, but I have to consider that he may have not bottomed out.
OW has moved away. According to my SIL he seems to be moving away from her, and is done with her. I am fairly confident he has not seen her since she moved out.
She did have a meltdown about 1 week after she moved 1/2 way across the country, back where she came from (Sorry Texas. 1 more skank to the count!!!) She threatened to call me, the girls and his family. She never did, but to threaten his girls, (and me???) Did not earn her any points.
I am assuming that he misses her, and talks to her. I am patient and quietly understanding of that possibility. It will end on it's own merit.
I choose not to let her become an issue.
I will not live without trust of those in my life. TJ does not have to earn it, it is just there, because I CHOOSE to never live with that monkey on my back. If he screws up, then I have to rethink my choices about trust in regards to him. I just can't live in misery any longer.

So that is where I am. I have lots of questions, but only one answer. Get out of the way, and let God do his work.
TJ has already said he does not want counseling.
OK.

But the big void belongs to TJ having to look within himself for his answers about faith, and God, and how to be happy with himself. I will let those answers unfold in His time, in His way, with trust in God to do what is right and good.
And I will do my part to do the same with myself. That is all I can control.

I have learned so much from this journey. I am truly grateful for where I am now.
I know that this journey had to happen for me, and I hope TJ learns his lessons too. That is the only way I think we can build our life back together.

He did open up to me about a few disappointments in his life recently. I just listened. I told him he was 100% with me. Very little reaction.

So now for a little question.
Our anniversary is March 1st. In what way should I acknowledge it?
For Valentines Day I sent a cute, funny and a teasing card.
He send an e card, and follow up text and call. ( I missed the call and did not call him back till morning)

I will be honest. Out life right now is 2/3 great. We have a great companionship, we have a great physical relationship.


No emotional intimacy. No R talks.

I know they are coming. I know he has to trust himself and me, first.
But frankly I think a little strategy would be a good thing for our anniversary.
I was thinking just follow his lead, and not send a card, or anything. I know I risk missing the opportunity, but I have already done the cute teasing card, and light approach. I just don't know the right package to wrap the secret code of "I love you" , cause typically, he has not said this yet. I have, very rarely, but I don't want to pressure this.
He has plans next weekend with our daughter and her husband. He is flying them in to visit him for the weekend.
He made sure I knew about this. I am grateful he feels he needs to let me know what he is up to on the weekends.
Subtle but impressive.


So that is my view from the shelf. I am here. Waiting for the next level of intimacy. The sharing of the heart.

I do not know how God is putting the pieces of Humpty Dumpty TJ, but I trust his plan. God has provided for my every need so far.
I just still struggle with those last strands of trying to contol, such as making a good choice about our anniversary.

Karma, all over the place friends.